Plastique Fantastique vol. XIX

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Bishop: This is a brilliant concept. I think they should make an ongoing tv series out of this.
Actress: You could be onto something there. I ayam filled with the POWER!!!
Bishop:
He fights against the powers of Satan… using karate!!
Actress: Busting through concrete has to be handy as a preacher, you have to admit.
Bishop: It’s a skill ALL preachers should learn! Although he doesn’t seem to be having a good time of it. Most karate experts make it look so easy. I actually think he broke something.
Actress: His pinky looks a bit wonky….
Bishop: Yeah, he’s not doing too well. Upon first glance, I mistakingly thought he had smashed a stack of Bibles. I guess that doesn’t make much sense, does it?
Actress: Hmm.. no, not a lot of sense. Although in my experience…
Actress:
Something tells me he’s not actually Asian.
Bishop: “Crain” isn’t Asian? Next you’ll tell me that “MacGregor” isn’t Kenyan.
Actress: I swear he’s made up to look Asian. I mean, he could be half cast, but…..
Bishop: Yeah, he’s trying his damndest. Talk about playing to stereotype. Jesus, they even have the subtitle set in “Chinese” font style.
Actress: Because God would WANT you to bust through 6 blocks of concrete. I can see that prayer paying off in front of my very eyes.
Bishop: Right. It’s God’s will that you smash concrete blocks. Obviously.
Bishop: I have to say: God’s power doesn’t look so impressive. I mean, you’d think he’d be a little more confident in his block-smashing if he were really charged with the power of God. That pained expression on his face communicates to me that he was rushed to the emergency room as soon as this picture was snapped.
Actress: Not forgetting the wonky finger for a second, I do have to wonder what is on this record? Obvoiusly Mike Crain speaking of God’s power, but by the looks of this cover, I’m not entirely sure he’s someone I’d be taking seriously…. but then again, he does have that Beatlesque haircut….
Bishop: He could be performing on the Ed Sullivan Show with that hairdo.
Bishop: I’m still trying to determine the connection between martial arts and preaching. Does one help the other? We may never know.
Actress: Conflicting philosophies, I would have thought, but you can never know…
Bishop:
The truth is that these blocks are fake and pre-broken. I just refuse to allow that this guy is a black belt. It can’t be.
Actress:
I want to see Mike in action. Can we visit his church? Pretty please? I just want to see him break the blocks in person. Mike has the charisma of a rock star to me now. I’m attracted to him.
Bishop: If we went to his church and he didn’t break blocks, it would be the most disappointing thing ever. And please don’t make me fight Mike Crain for your love. I will embarrass this guy so thoroughly, it will be shameful.
Actress: After your dessimation of Satan, the Spaghetti Monster and all the rest, I wouldn’t dare. You don’t need violence to have my victory, my love….
Bishop: C’mere, you… *kisses*

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Plastique Fantastique vol. XVIII

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Actress: I can make no sense of this. Supernature of…. what? Bad Halloween masks?
Bishop: I have no idea what I’m looking at, except to say that if they’re trying to give me nightmares, they’re doing a great job.
Actress: Is the guy grabbing Cerrone’s foot sucking on a dummy… er, pacifier?
Bishop: I… don’t… know. I think the guys on the floor are Slipknot. Correct me if I’m mistaken.
Actress: A poor man’s Slipknot, if that is possible. IS his name Cerrone? You know, that rings a bell. I think I’ve heard of that guy. However, it could be recognition via my vast collection of bad album covers. I suspect he is a serial offender…
Bishop: If we’ve seen this guy before, then he owes us TWO apologies… I’m officially pissed at Cerrone.
Actress: I’m still trying to work out exactly what he is doing. He looks like he is trying to stand up off a table with what on it? That thing looks like something straight of my Year 9 science class.
Bishop: What’s it doing there? Why are the guys under the table attacking him? Maybe these are the doctors, and he’s just got really shit health coverage.
Bishop: If you need a checkup and the guys helping you are mental patients with rubber animal face masks, look out.
Actress: They’re doing a pathetic job of it. They don’t look remotely scary to me. Just idiots in stupid masks. Call me a cynic.
Bishop: Just like Slipknot. I think I’m onto something.
Actress: Hah! Indeed. I’m still puzzled by the guy on the left, however…
Bishop: He’s going in for the tackle. It’s a pig-doctor about to knock over a Latino musician… What’s not to understand?
Actress: I suspect Cerrone may be caught. He looks distracted. Disturbingly like he’s about to sit down on the lavatory, in fact…
Bishop: This cover is making my eyes bleed… I need a doctor. But not an evil pig-doctor. No wolf-rabbit-doctors, either.
Actress: Maybe if I dressed up in a sexy nurse’s outfit, I could ease your pain, my love?
Bishop: That would do the trick.

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Ad Nauseam vol. XII

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Bishop: Ahhh! What the hell am I looking at? These just keep getting creepier and creepier…
Actress: You are looking at one of a slew of “dance bands” that were (and possibly still are) very, very popular in Sweden in the 60’s and 70’s…
Bishop: Are you kidding? That sounds about right based on the appearance, but the thought of it being a reality is so, so painful.
Actress: This is no joke, baby. Bjorn from ABBA was quite the popstar in one of these very bands before ABBA hit the world’s stage.
Bishop: I know I’ve joked about the annoyance of bands dressingly uniformly before, but this is beyond the pale (and that’s not a joke about the Swedish lack of skin pigment).
Actress: Electric blue velveteen is a beautiful thing… c’mon….
Bishop: It’s good to see racial diversity in music, isn’t it?
Actress: Hey, one of them has brown hair.
Bishop: I’m not at all kidding when I say I think the four in the front are clones. Seriously. Clones.
Actress: There is a serious family vibe going on there, no doubt. What I want, is to see those flares in full flight.
Bishop: Be careful what you wish for.
Actress: Be careful how you tempt me. I’ll be off to YouTube before you know it…
Bishop: Nooo!! Any guesses as to what “Musikanterna” means? The band’s name? The album title? Possibly?
Actress: I’m under the impression this is a band poster. I have a bunch of them ready to go, you’ll be pleased to know, all in glorious technicolour. So, I’m thinking, band name…
Bishop: Wow.
Actress: Unfortunately the trusty Babel Fish doesn’t cover Swedish…
Bishop: I’m assuming it means “terrible music”. Or possibly “the muskrats”
Actress: Or, maybe “lapels are GO!”
Bishop: Go and enormous… True fact: if you stitched together the material used to make lapels alone in the 1970’s, it would cover the Pacific Ocean 1,356 times.
Actress: Wow, that’s handy to know. You’re so smart. I love you, baby.
Bishop: I love you, darling. Now let’s never speak of Musikanterna again.
Actress: I’ll agree, but only if you agree to wear a pair of blue velveteen flares for me. Please. I insist.
Bishop: The things I do for you!

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Plastique Fantastique vol. XVII

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Bishop: Obviously, “pussy” refers to a domesticated feline. I don’t get why you told me this photo would be racy. What’s wrong with that?
Actress: I agree completely. I love my pussies. Yes, I have more than one…. Aren’t I lucky?
Bishop: I heard that most women have only a single pussy.
Actress: Not me, baby. I have multiple pussies.
Bishop: Apparently, her cat is on loan from her father? Did he rent it to her?
Actress: Well, I hope he’s giving her a family discount, if that be the case. At least she’s giving him credit.
Bishop: Yes, the ownership of the pussy is not in question.
Actress: One would hope that Daddy is not in the room.
Bishop: I hope not.
Bishop: Look at the names on the side of the album cover. Those titles are more sophomoric and offensive than the album title proper (if that’s even possible)
Actress: Yes, I was going to get to those… A few of my favourites: “Sadie’s Still Got The Rag On”, “He Forgot His Rubbers”, “Things Are Soft For Grandma Since Grandpa’s Eighty-Four”, and of course, “Tony’s Got Hot Nuts”…
Bishop: Tony needs to see a doctor. Nut-related inflammation is no laughing matter.
Actress: You’re quite right. I’d want that seen to. I’m guessing and hoping that Tony isn’t Daddy or Grandpa…
Actress: So, how’s about them tits then, eh?
Bishop: I… um… the..tits… what? I was distracted. I was thinking about balancing my checkbook.
Bishop: Trust me, I don’t even notice tits that aren’t yours. Was this woman topless? I didn’t notice.
Actress: Good answer, baby. Nice pussy though….

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Enfant Terribles vol.V

 

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Actress: I was a deprived child. Why didn’t I have an ugly plastic wig? WHYYY??!!! I need to talk to my therapist about this…
Bishop: Any kid would love those wigs. They look so LIFELIKE.
Actress: Eric Bana used to wear one of those wigs when he was a sketch comedian impersonating Australian media personality/journalist Ray Martin. It looked disturbingly like the one in the middle, except black. Eric Bana must have a small head.
Bishop: It claims to fit all head sizes, but I’m not so sure about that. We’ll get Philip Seymour Hoffman (the man with the world’s largest head) in there to test that claim.
Actress: Good idea. Stay tuned folks…
Bishop: I’m glad they’re soft. Not only do they look EXACTLY like real hair, but they have the same texture. Wow, what a simulation.
Actress: I wish I had one now. Perfect for those bad hair days…
Actress: I’m particularly taken with the blonde wig on the right. I know if I was to choose a blonde wig, that would be the hairstyle I would be after…
Bishop: Definitely. It’s like a little hair plateau that sits on your head. How stylish.
Actress: You could serve food off that wig. Send little Sally with the blonde wig around at parties with hors d’oeuvres.
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, I think that’s what it was designed for.
Bishop: The important thing is that it’s SAFE. Because if your kid was somehow injured with her own plastic wig, it would be five times as sad as if they were merely injured.
Actress: Yes, because if you were standing under say, a falling tree branch, or piano for instance, you would be well protected.
Bishop: Exactly! If your kids don’t want to wear a helmet during playtime, trick them into wearing a helmet by painting hair on it.
Actress: I’m feeling crafty and inspired. I think I’m going to dig out my cycle helmet and delicately paint fetching “redhead” strokes on it with my acrylics. Yes. Yes I am.
Bishop: And everyone will just think your hair looks a bit different.
Actress: As I said, perfect for those bad hair days…

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Plastique Fantastique XVI

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Actress: Geez, neighbours can be bastards, can’t they? “I told you I would keel you if you played any more of that Gordon Lightfoot music!!”
Bishop: It makes me wonder what neighborhood this is in… or country… or alternate dimension….
Actress: You mean you didn’t wield a machete at your neighbour today? I’m surprised.
Bishop: Are these two hunting one another? Is this like that Stephen King dealie where man is hunted like prey?
Actress: Either that, or they’re on a co-op, chopping bamboo to make way for the new yoga centre.
Bishop: That could very well be the case.
Actress: Although the mutually aggressive stance indicates otherwise…
Bishop: For the record, I never fight my neighbor with a machete… only a pair of rusty hedge-trimmers.
Actress: Oh, that’s alright then baby. I love you for your pacifism.
Bishop: Of course. Guess which one is the mayor…. I’m stumped.
Actress: And what the hell is on this record? A machete duel? Or a political debate?
Bishop: I wish mayoral debates were this exciting outside of Mexico.
Bishop: They’re DAMNED serious about municipal waterways and make no mistake!
Actress: Notice how the Mexican’s machete is rusty as hell, and the white guy’s looks like brand new, like he just moved into the neighbourhood and thought he ought to be suitably armed for the area. Home Depot to the rescue. I’ll bet his guitar is shitty though, if it is his guitar.
Bishop: I’m guessing neither play. It almost looks like the guitar got thrown in there as an after thought.
Actress: It has to be the white guy’s guitar. The other guy already has a hat.
Bishop: They almost forgot this was an album cover. Hell, I’M forgetting it’s an album cover.
Actress: Er, yeah… me too.
Bishop: As for what’s ON the record… I’m guessing it’s the aural version of human insanity.
Actress: Right up my alley. Let’s listen.
Bishop: I’ll crank up the turntable.

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Comix Remix vol. VI

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Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

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