Plastique Fantastique vol. XIII

 

Bishop: One of Roger’s facets isn’t a last name, sadly…
Actress: Or dress sense, so it seems…
Bishop: Or subtlety. Between the ham-fisted histrionics, and the outfit that has nearly blinded me, I’m already deducting Roger some major points.
Actress: I’m deducting points for his name, also. I mean, it’s one thing to have Roger as your given name, that’s all well and good… but it’s not very showbiz, is it? Think Roger Whittaker…
Bishop: Exactly. With that fashion sense, we can presume his music is deeply fonkay (yes, spelled “fonkay”). Therefore, why not go with Dr. Thumpalicious or Captain Interstellar-LoveMotherShip? That would be MUCH more appropriate than “Roger”
Actress: Indeed. But then again, he is a moody guy. Who can know what really goes on in the mind of Roger?
Bishop: Maybe he has multiple personality disorder. I wonder which one is the REAL Roger?
Actress: That’s exactly what I’m getting at. I’m guessing it’s the bottom, middle shot. I think that photo is the key to his very soul. Roger is but a sad clown. Just hazarding a guess, but correct me if you think I’m wrong…
Bishop: No, that’s what I imagine, as well. Roger has a deep soul and you can tell by that contemplative picture. “I think that I shall never see a poem funky as a tree…”
Actress: Hah! I think the other clue is the photo at bottom left. He’s trying to point the world toward his pain…
Bishop: Yes, as if to say “The real me is right over here. Have a look, won’t you?”
Bishop: Either that or he’s encouraging someone to pull his finger, in which case, I’m way off…
Actress: Well, there’s always that, too, but I think we’ve found the key to Roger’s soul. I applaud us for our perceptiveness and sensitivity to Roger’s plight. If we could just work out exactly what that plight is…
Bishop: He’s feeling sorrow because his clothes are SO shiny they blind unsuspecting passers-by, turning him into a social pariah. Much like Quasimodo, no one can look upon Roger. I mean that literally. They CAN’T look at him. He’s reflecting the sun’s rays.
Actress: Somebody needs to tell him. Do you think we can find his address? I feel a social duty to save him from his sequinned segregation…
Bishop: We might have a hard time tracking him down. Only knowing his first name isn’t helping. I imagine Googling “Roger” returns thousands of hits.
Bishop: A small problem I have with the album’s title: The use of the word “many” is a bit much. I count six. That’s “a few” at best.
Actress: Well, it could be “Several Facets of Roger”, at best…
Bishop: Maybe he doesn’t want to give ALL his facets away right off the bat.
Bishop: At the end of the day, it’s good Rog has a sense of humor. Look at that last picture (the one in the bottom, right-hand side). “Don’t go there, girlfriend!” See, it’s not all gloom and introspection!
Actress: Several facets, indeed. I don’t think any number of expressions will ever convey the complexity that is ROGER….

Enfant Terribles vol. III

 

Actress: Should we be calling someone about this? Child Protective Services, perhaps?
Bishop: This is genuinely frightening. Should children be bound to the bed?
Actress: Well, you never know… They might come and axe murder you in the night. You can never be too careful.
Bishop: It’s best to keep them in place in that situation, I suppose. However, I can’t help but wonder how many innocent kids are put in a fire hazard because of this. It’s a sombering statistic.
Actress: Maybe the kid IS a fire hazard. Did you think of that? Huh? Huh?
Bishop: Good point.
Bishop: They’re really adamant about statistics, aren’t they? They just beat you over the head with those numbers. Holy crap…
Actress: I believe those are knitting instructions, o’ manly non-knitter of mine….
Bishop: Oh! I thought this was an overly pedantic ad… wow, is my face red. But now I know they’re instructions… for how to make your own baby-trap. Very nice.
Actress: Of course you’re forgiven for thinking so, my love. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d never laid eyes on anything resembling a knitting pattern. They even do my head in.
Bishop: I guess whoever is making this baby-trap has to be really dedicated. It’s not just a way of binding a child to a crib, it’s a work of art. How sweet.
Actress: I just wonder how comfortable it can be for that poor child to spend the night in a starfish pose. I don’t think they’ve thought this through…
Bishop: Yeah. God help you if you want to turn over.
Actress: Or… move. In any way.
Bishop: “Tie ’em in and keep ’em warm… and if they want to lie on their side, too bad!”
Actress: Hey, she still has use of her legs. It’s not all bad…
Bishop: This is depressing. I feel scarred.
Actress: So do I. I feel like I need regressive therapy after this, and it wasn’t even me.
Actress: Shall we move on?
Bishop: Yes, let’s.

Comix Remix vol. IV

 

Bishop: Dr. Bobbs! I’m sure this comic is action packed and full of excitement, but why is the center shot him on the phone? That’s the least exciting picture to showcase his amazing adventures.
Actress: Paging Dr. Bobbs… Paging Dr Bobbs…. Life saver, lab genius, drug addict. Brilliant. Not to mention that right hook…
Bishop: It just looks like such explosive excitement. Kids should be warned in advance that Dr. Bobbs does’t represent most doctors. I mean, a big part of the job is filling out paperwork.
Actress: What? You mean you don’t become a doctor to raid your own medicine cabinet?
Bishop: Speaking of drug abuse, should we be concerned he’s a heroin addict?
Actress: Well, according to this comic book cover, it’s all part of a day’s work.
Bishop: Yes… shooting up is just part of doctorhood.
Actress: How else would he deal with the stress of bandaging elbows? I ask you…
Bishop: Almost as disturbing is the fact that he’s hitting a guy. Since when do doctors ever need to punch people?
Actress: And since when do heroin addicts become violent, unless their stash has run out? Not likely in his case…
Bishop: I don’t know. I get the feeling they’re related.
Bishop: Tell me something… was there a time when doctors affixed compact discs to their own foreheads using black electrical tape?
Actress: I was wondering the same thing…
Bishop: I’m not sure he knows it’s there. Someone should tell him.
Actress: Maybe we should write a letter.
Bishop: OR maybe whoever is on the other end of the phone is letting him know. The look on his face is dawning realization… “So THAT’S where my ‘Best of Pat Boone’ CD’s been!”
Actress: Hah. That’s what you get for taking too many drugs. Silly Dr. Bobbs.
Bishop: Haha. Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re out of your mind on smack.
Actress: You can see he’s mixing up his own stash in the bottom right corner. He’s in deep. I hope I don’t get Dr. Bobbs next time I visit Emergency.
Bishop: When was it that cars looked and sounded like that? I’m not a car buff, but I don’t recall a particular model that made noises like a monkey.
Actress: I believe that’s an ambulance, rushing Dr. Bobbs to where the elbows need bandaging. He’s very good at that, you know.
Bishop: That’s his area of expertise. He’s an Elbow Bandagologist.
Actress: *checks own elbows* Nope, I’m good. No Dr. Bobbs for me. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Especially as he seems to have just administered an overdose to one of his patients.
Bishop: I just now remembered where I’ve seen Dr. Bobbs! This is Thomas Dolby! The bottom middle picture, where he’s punching that guy, is from the “Blinded Me with Science” video!
Actress: Oh, good god… you’re right. Maybe that’s why he needs the injections, since he was blinded and all… He’s having trouble with that microscope.
Bishop: Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Dr. Bobbs
Actress: Trust him. Bloody Dr. Bobbs…

Plastique Fantastique vol. XII

 

Actress: Oh, hello boys!
Bishop: Ahhh! I don’t want to hit this jackpot!
Actress: I dunno, all that satin is doing things to me…
Bishop: What’s the group’s name? Jackpot again? Or is that the album’s title?
Actress: Maybe it’s like Led Zeppelin II, III, IV etc…. it’s Jackpot… Again!
Bishop: Jackpot… The Return!
Actress: Have you noticed how only the guy in the green is really getting into the glam spirit? I think he’s the group stylist. “Those stars look FABULOUS on you, Merv! Oh, Barry, I really think you need some kind of floral motif… in 3D!”
Bishop: Ha ha. The other guys seem like straight guys who got dragged into Mr. Green’s “World of Gay”. They seem a bit out of place.
Actress: Yes, indeed. Ol’ Bruce on the end with the medallion looks like he’s having a good time, but that could just be that he’s struggling for breath because his pants are too tight.
Bishop: The tightness of the pants is simply unacceptable. This picture causes me physical pain to look upon. Do you know how bad these clothes must HURT? I mean, testicles aren’t supposed to be treated that way.
Actress: Oh, sweetheart, you’re talking to a woman here. Talk to me again when you’ve walked a day in high heels, or worn an ill-fitting bra…. Although, I am concerned for their sperm count.
Bishop: I can’t stop laughing because I just noticed that the background is a candle store. They’re shopping for scented candles. Talk about furthering a stereotype.
Actress: Hey, nothing wrong with scented candles, darling. Although I was wondering where the hell they were… I thought it was some kind of gift shop. What gives with that?
Bishop: Why would you stage the photo shoot for an album cover there? It’s a really poor choice, but I get the feeling Jackpot made many career blunders.
Actress: … and most of them crimes against fashion, I daresay… but then again, I haven’t heard the record.
Bishop: OK, take your best guess… what’s the music sound like?
Actress: Well, I’m getting a pretty strong Bay City Rollers/Gary Glitter vibe from the outfits… I’d be surprised if they’re not singing in English either. I’m guessing, Swedish?
Bishop: Ha ha. Why does so much strangeness in the world originate in Sweden?
Actress: Those crazy Scandinavians strike again. It’s something to do with the weather, I’m sure. That, and their strangely insular culture…
Bishop: Yeah, this has Sweden stink all over it. But I mean that in the nicest possible way…
Bishop: And I’m sensing a strong disco vibe, for the record.
Actress: Sweden or Finland. God bless the Scandinavians. Where would our blog be without them?

Far-Out Flicks vol. V

 

Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Actress: *waves*

Ad Nauseam vol. IX

Bishop: What the hell? They made a horse?
Actress: I think this blog has suddenly become unsuitable for children….
Bishop: Whatever’s going on here, it’s unsettling and wrong.
Actress: Yes, and I think it scares me more that it comes from a sewing pattern.
Bishop: Eeek. I don’t want to ask.
Bishop: An alternate theory: maybe the caption belongs to the horse.
Actress: Oh. My. God. I may puke. I think they may be clones. Are they the same woman? Look at them. It’s weird.
Bishop: Maybe he made a couple of blonde 70’s stereotypes… Could he be a mad genius horse who’s cloning women? Who knows?
Actress: Is this from an Amish fashion catalogue?
Bishop: Yes, it is from an Amish fashion catalogue. The Amish do in fact have their own fashion culture.
Actress: I say, that bonnet is rather fetchingly tied at the side. Very subversive..
Bishop: Hey, if there’s a subversive way to tie a bonnet, that must be it.
Actress: All the Amish ladies are doing it (said the actress to the bishop)…
Bishop: Ah! I fall more in love with you with every double entendre.
Actress: Would you still love me in a bonnet and pinafore with cherries on the bib? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: Of course. Wear it to bed. Be my Amish Aphrodite.
Actress: What about the frock underneath? That neckline is so sexy…
Bishop: The whole outfit is great. It gets my approval.
Actress: Not to mention the puffy sleeves. The safari pantsuit, isn’t nearly as comely….
Bishop: Yeah, it looks a bit stiff. No guesses as to what they made? And who made what?
Actress: Whoever made it, couldn’t help themselves, and that in itself screams a dire need for some deep psychotherapy.
Bishop: Yeah, talk about needy. It’s a compulsive desire for attention.
Actress: Although it may be a little more comfortable for riding (ahem) the horse…
Bishop: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Actress: Oh, you don’t really mean that… *smiles*
Bishop: Ah, who am I kidding? Go ahead and keep your mind in the gutter. I wouldn’t have it any other way *grins*.
Actress: Aw, just my mind? *winks*

Plastique Fantastique vol. XI

Bishop: Oh. my. god. I have NEVER EVER in my life seen anyone who was more ill-equipped to rock out than this guy.
Actress: I think his mother has been asking “where’s wally?” for some time, judging by his effusive greeting.
Bishop: If “effusive” means “bat shit crazy” I would have to agree.
Actress: Oh, he’s just happy.. Will you begruge Wally some happiness? Look, how could you when his tongue is hanging sideways from his mouth like that?
Bishop: Yeah, we’ll let him have a good time. I have to say, though, I can’t imagine this guy being terribly creative if that’s the best album title he can come up with.
Actress: Hah! I’d like to hear his version of “1913 Massacre”. Then again, “Don’t Send My Mother to Prison” could be a corker, and the answer to all our questions…
Bishop: Yes, there’s some skeletons in this guy’s closet, I think.
Bishop: Why isn’t he pictured playing the guitar, as is the norm for musicians? He looks like he’s dropping it and leaving it.
Actress: Wally by name, wally by nature…
Bishop: I think he wants to give his mom a big high-five. The high-five is not dead for Wally Whyton.
Actress: Well, wouldn’t you if your mother was going to prison? Err… hang on… that’s not what I meant…
Bishop: Wha’?
Actress: Nevermind. I’ll bet he does a wicked cover of “Greenback Dollar”. I dig that song.
Bishop: I wouldn’t trust him to cover “Hot Cross Buns”. Look at how awkwardly he’s holding that guitar.
Bishop: I’m beginning to think Wally isn’t really a musician at all! This is all too awkward and wrong. Just look at him! He’s more like some guy who wandered into someone else’s photo shoot.
Actress: It’s folk, baby. Folk musicians are a special breed all of their own. Skivvies and corduroy and all.
Bishop: I should have known… explains the 12-string.
Actress: Indeed. Will you wear a skivvy for me? Fawn coloured pants would be a bonus…
Bishop: Absolutely! Who could have guessed this of all album covers would have inspired romantic requests?
Actress: You’re so adventurous. I love you. *kisses*

Ad Nauseam vol. VIII

Actress: Ahhhh! My eyes..!!
Bishop: Dial keeps you dry but what will return my vision after I’ve gone blind from the commercial?
Actress: I don’t think they mentioned a guarantee. You could sue.
Actress: This commercial gives me spiral eyes…
Bishop: It makes me wonder what the “secret ingredient” to Dial is. If you catch my meaning…
Actress: Oh, I catch it. I could be persuaded to join a cult led by OJ Simpson, I am so transfixed by this commercial. There is a secret ingredient, alright…
Bishop: The OJ cult is a sham, but I see what you mean. This commercial is hypnotic. I have no choice but to buy this deodorant. It’s wedged itself into my brain.
Actress: I feel I’m having severe acid flashbacks. This is doing strange things to my head. I am really starting to think I shouldn’t have done all that acid in my misspent youth… man…
Bishop: Don’t feel guilty… at least your experiences didn’t lead you create psychadelic deodorant commercials. If LSD has harmed anyone, it’s the good people at Dial.
Actress: Yes! Take acid and work in advertising. Ought to be more of it, I say…
Bishop: More interesting commercials, that’s for sure. I think the talking gecko in the Geico ads was created by heads.
Actress: I swear to god, I have watched that commercial about 48 times, and it NEVER fails to stop me in my tracks and turn me into a spiral eyed zombie. And that’s not an altogether unpleasant feeling…
Bishop: I’m glad you enjoyed it so much… or are you now addicted to the Dial commercial?
Actress: Must… have… dial… dry……

Plastique Fantastique vol. X

 

Actress: Holy crap, is that a real child? In the pink, I mean…
Bishop: I have no idea… Do I see one lifeless doll, two, or three?
Actress: I’m counting three. This is like something out of a creepy doll horror movie.
Bishop: OK, Whichever of you are flesh and blood humans, raise your hand!
Actress: Anyone?
Bishop: *crickets chirping*
Actress: …………………
Actress: Ok, so we have to assume that Little Marcy is Chucky’s sister in the green… Is she a ventriloquist doll? I ask only because that woman doesn’t appear to have her hand anywhere near her arse…
Bishop: Ahh! This cover keeps getting creepier… The doll sings on its own!
Actress: And I don’t like the look on the woman’s face. I’m waiting for her eyes to glow red. Actually, I’m waiting for ALL their eyes to glow red…
Bishop: Yeah, bare minimum
Bishop: Who dresses their kids like that? Is that Laura Ingalls?
Actress: Oh, my… I think it’s Nelly! It would explain the sadistic vibe…
Actress: I think the other child has been kidnapped and forced to participate in blondie’s “little dolly” fantasies. She looks like she’s in pain.
Bishop: God, they all appear in pain… emotional pain.
Bishop: It makes me long for a nice monster movie poster. One where people are being attacked by vicious space aliens. At least then, the horrors are overt
Actress: This IS a monster movie poster.
Bishop: You’re right! This is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel if I’ve ever seen it.
Actress: I’m frightened to go to sleep now. Will you stay up with me, baby?
Bishop: Yes. I may never sleep again.
Actress: As long as we never, never sleep together… *wink, wink*

Enfants Terribles vol. II

Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

Ad Nauseam vol. VII

 

Actress: This is how my living room looked in the 60’s…. if I was alive in the 60’s.
Bishop: If we were to go back in time to the 60’s and become surrealist interior decorators, this would be our living room in the 60’s.
Actress: I was lying about this is how my living room looked, if it existed. This is horrible. What a mess. Although it has some pleasing elements…
Actress: You’re sweet to take my bait though, baby .. *wink*
Bishop: Hey, don’t mention it.
Bishop: My favorite part of this room is the door… it allows for speedy exit.
Actress: Door? There is a door? [peers closer]….
Bishop: Oh no… there’s no door? In that case, it’s not even a room… it’s a cell.
Actress: with big purple turds on the floor. I always wanted purple turds. They make me happy.
Bishop: Giant purple turds… they accentuate any room. I’d love to make fun of the objects in this room, but I have no idea what I’m looking at. Is this FURNITURE?
Actress: I think most of the decor, coloured orange, comes from my playroom, circa 1974… I was a bit behind the times…
Bishop: You’re right! I was just about to say that those plastic orange chairs remind me of the little baby table you have in your playroom. I picture myself sitting down at a table like that at the age of 4 and messing around with Play-Doh or action figures.
Actress: Yes! I used to like screwing the legs off the chairs.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop…
Bishop: Oh, you’re too good! *kisses* I love it when you make double entendres.
Actress: *curtsies* Thank you, baby. I aim to please…
Bishop: So… the question remains… WHO is to be using this room and for WHAT purpose? Any guesses? Any at all?
Actress: I think it’s the living room on a spaceship. I know that’s what they want us to think, but I think it’s for REAL. What other environment could be so utterly cold?
Actress: The plants are a nice touch, though..
Actress: As completely 60’s/70’s as they are…
Bishop: It is. This was created by a cold, inhuman, alien sentience. In other words, it’s probably Scandanavian.
Actress: Indeed. I think you may be entirely correct. However, I’m still trying to work out what’s going on to the righ of the “picture” window…
Bishop: I’m still trying to work out ANY of it… describe what you’re looking at. We probably won’t crack the case, but I’ll take a look.
Actress: I can’t get past the purple turds, but did ANYONE on earth actually have a living space that remotely resembled this? If so, I’ve been hanging out in the wrong crowds…
Bishop: No, this is not the picture of a livable room, this is the picture of an art student losing his mind.
Actress: With plenty of flat surfaces to draw lines of… things on. Right.
Bishop: Yes. Let’s not ponder too long. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.
Actress: I still want to sit on one of those turds. They look kinda comfy… Made for two, perhaps? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: I’ll join you then. Nothing’s more romantic than a giant, purple turd. Which sounds like the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. This is why I mustn’t work for Hallmark.
Actress: I think you’ll feel differently when we are sucked into that big purple hole….What I’m thinking about that is not fit for public consumption, I assure you…
Bishop: C’mere you…

Dance Fools Dance! vol. III

Bishop: Wow, that was completely low-budget.
Actress: Way to dress up for the part, buddy…
Bishop: I think it was shot on video and features about 40 seconds of footage that’s cut together and repeated over and over. His wardrobe is just PART of the problem.
Actress: He looks like he slept in his clothes… Actually, scrap that, he looks like he hasn’t slept for a decade.
Bishop: Ha! That’s never more apparent than when he attempts to dance.
Bishop: They keep cutting back to that shot of him on the boardwalk… Extending your arms and wiggling your wrists does NOT count as a dance move.
Actress: Oh yeah, he’s got that sleep-deprived delirium. Utterly without rhythm…
Actress: HAH! And slurring into the microphone is NOT singing!
Bishop: This guy just half-assed every step of the way… except the shot at the end, which was his WHOLE ass.
Actress: That was pure class. I was hanging to see his ass. Why is this clip making me rhyme?
Bishop: Nicely done
Actress: I like how he keeps emerging from that changing cubicle, like he’s modelling the outfit of all time. Wtf?
Bishop: In his own mind it IS the outfit of all time. This guy clearly has a nasty case of Thinkyourecoolitis
Actress: And what a surprise he’s alone on the dancefloor…
Bishop: Yes, that club is completely barren. His hand wiggling won’t win him any friends tonight, apparently
Actress: (Note for the reader: This song is called RITUAL DE AMOR, by CHIKO 10, and inexplicably it was a HUGE hit in Spain…)
Actress: I fear that I’m going to be “singing”, “Danzzzaaa Danzaaa” in my sleep now… It really is disturbingly catchy, in that Eurotrash novelty song kind of way…
Bishop: Yes! Eerily catchy…
Bishop: I feel I can relate to the lyrics during the chorus… “Ba da da da daaa, ba da da da da da”… Who hasn’t been THERE? It’s universal.
Actress: Indeed. Danzaaaaa danzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…. oh, shit.
Actress: It’s stuck now.
Bishop: Sorry. You’ll never get it out.
Actress: Obviously nobody’s ever told him that he really oughtn’t be on camera, in any sense. Do you think we should write to him? To save him from himself (read: and us), you know….
Bishop: I think he would appreciate that. You’re right, he’s completely unable to see himself. He’s really really happy and he sounds and looks like crap.
Actress: I think I’m off tequila for life…
Bishop: “Dear Mr. 10: You need to stop pretending to be a musician. For the good of humanity and our ears…”
Actress: You have such a way with words, baby…
Bishop: Thanks, sweetheart. And don’t worry: tequila could never make you act as embarrassingly as this guy.
Actress: Yes, and it will never make me wear sunglasses on a cord around my neck. Thank God.

Ad Nauseam vol. VI

Actress: Is it completely ironic (or something) that I bought a bottle of Wella shampoo today?
Bishop: A bizarre coincidence. I’m sure you were influenced by ads just like this… I mean, how could you resist wanting hair like that?
Actress: Well, I didn’t want to say… but am really quite envious of his smooth lines and shine…
Bishop: The ad says at the bottom: “Be sure you get WELLA Balsam…” as a reminder not to buy their competitors brand. You have to laugh at the lack of subtlety there.
Actress: Hes obviously not using it on his moustache…
Bishop: You’re right: his moustache is completely unkempt… he needs a Wella product for that mess… or just to get rid of it would be much better.
Actress: That is not a moustache. It is a scraggly bush. It may make him quite popular with the ladies, however… ahem.
Actress: Not that I’d know…
Bishop: Are you in love with the Wella Balsam guy? I will fight him for your love, so help me God!
Actress: Honey, are you really up to it? So far we have the Spaghetti Monster, Satan… and who else? I only really want you, and I’m worried for your welfare and weaponry against such smooth tresses. Which shampoo are you using again?
Bishop: Generico brand generic shampoo-ish hair soap. Why? Is that a good one?
Actress: It’s not a good match against Wella. I call that you win, by default. Reason being that you are the most adorable man on the planet. There. No more fighting scraggly moustachioed dandies or sloppy spaghetti monsters.
Actress: You can never tell what might come up in the future, however…
Bishop: Ha! I win! I will take them ALL on! Ha ha ha!
Actress: Funny how there are no products proclaiming balsam these days….
Bishop: Yes… there seems to be a dearth of balsam-based products on the market. I have a feeling they stopped using after it mutated some kids and turned them into little flipper-children… just like what happened with asbestos.
Actress: That’s it! I think you’re found the sole reason for male pattern baldness in middle aged men. Too much WELLA BALSAM. God. Do you think we should alert the authorities?
Bishop: I want to know what this guy looks like NOW… knowing the effects of Wella Balsam, he could be in a bad way…
Actress: That’s what I’m talking about….
Actress: He has NO HAIR.
Bishop: That’ll teach him for messing with balsam. That shit’ll kill you man!
Actress: Slosh it on in the shower, indeed.

Plastique Fantastique vol. IX

Actress: Oh, you can’t be serious. Where do we start with this??
Bishop: This appears to be Bryant Gumble and Tommy Chong in speedos and neckties
Actress: Hah! And rather fetching speedos, I must say… You might have some competition there, honey…
Bishop: D’oh! I will fight them both at once if need be! For your love!
Actress: I’m a sucker for the nautical look.
Bishop: They don’t look very at home at water, I have to say
Actress: WHY are they wearing ties? Is this stage attire? Or did they just need to strip off really quickly because they needed to duck into the water for a pee?
Bishop: Ha ha! You might be onto something. To be honest, they remind me of homeless guys who are pretending to go work because they’re somewhat schizophrenic. They put on the ties because they have a big meeting today (in their minds).
Actress: Yes, that kind of explains the “vision” of an “angel” in a pyramid….
Bishop: Hey, there you go! Although I have to wonder why they’re not looking at said angel. It seems as if they’re deliberately ignoring her.
Actress: She doesn’t look happy about it, either…
Actress: She’s getting her frock wet.
Bishop: She looks as lost and sad as they are… get these poor people to dry land, someone! They’re clearly miserable
Actress: What impresses me most about this record, is that it’s AUTOGRAPHED. That is awesome (and I don’t use that word often, or lightly…).
Bishop: Yes. Duduca & Dalvan have FANS. Think about that for a second.
Bishop: It boggles the mind
Actress: Oh. My. God. It comes with a calendar!
Bishop: Holy shit! TWELVE pictures like this!
Actress: a poster calendar, no less..
Bishop: I’m afraid… I’m scared now.
Actress: I want it. Take me back to 1986!!
Bishop: Time to hit up eBay.
Actress: I’m still transfixed by those nautical themed speedos. They are stunning…and so well fitting.
Bishop: Ugh… no. This album cover is so horrible I’ve denounced God. There can be no Superlative Power in a world where Duduca & Dalvan strut about nude….
Bishop: for what God could allow THIS?
Actress: Are you saying their little angel is not of God?
Bishop: If she’s come to unleash these two on the world, then, no… she’s something far more sinister.
Actress: I think you’re right. Either that, or she just wants some ice cream.
Bishop: I’m disconcerted by the image of an angel on this cover. Are there religious themes? I don’t like the vision of serenity juxtaposed against these creepy, hairy guys and their tightly-bundled sausage links.
Actress: She doesn’t look very serene to me…
Actress: Someone’s a little grumpypants…
Bishop: Upon closer inspection, she does seem a bit disgruntled.
Bishop: Again, it probably has to do with being in the cold water in that outfit. She can’t be comfortable.
Actress: Exactly. I want to hear what’s on this record, as always…
Bishop: It’s in Spanish. Which is good, because I’m almost afraid of what the lyrics sound like.
Actress: I’ve run the title through a translator, and apparently it means “Massa Falida”, which explains everything, don’t you think?
Bishop: Yeah, makes sense to me
Bishop: This cover has been rated HW (Horrible & Wrong)… Listener discretion is advised.
Actress: You have been warned….

Ad Nauseam vol. V

Actress: Poor Mary’s been left in the moonlight because of her stinky breath. A condition she condemns in others! Judgmental cow…
Bishop: Judgmental and cold. The moonlight means NOTHING to her! She’s so unfeeling.
Actress: What about all those other poor bastards with bad breath? Serves her right, I reckon…
Bishop: Yeah, Mary’s getting off on the wrong foot with us from the outset. You need a character in your ad who’s less of a buzzkill. She’s a bit bitchy right off the bat.
Actress: They haven’t painted a pretty picture of her, that’s for sure. Why is it always women who have the hygeine problems in these ads?
Bishop: It’s the 50’s! Men are gross and manly! Only ladies need to look good! That’s their only aim, after all!
Actress: Yes, of course. We’re only here to cook, look good and wait on our man hand and foot. My bad…
Actress: Oh, and not have stinky breath…
Bishop: I think the statistic that 9 out of 10 people have bad breath seems to be a bit high. Was the problem really that severe back then? That’s like an ad that says “98% of people have explosive diarrhea!”
Actress: I thought the same thing. I know I don’t wake up smelling like roses, but surely morning breath doesn’t count?
Bishop: Morning breath shouldn’t count.
Actress: Mary doesn’t have morning breath. You can’t have morning breath in the moonlight, Mary… Hey, I’m digging the alliteration…
Bishop: Very nice.
Actress: Well, look at the toothpaste, sorry Dental Cream tube. I’m thinking the entire concept was quite new before then. What on earth did they use?? Like, they have to CONVINCE us to use toothpaste… and not just Colgate..
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, toothpaste was brand new at the time. Before that, you had to rub pieces of coal on your teeth. That’s all we had and we liked it, dagnabbit!
Actress: The funny thing about this, is that even after Mary uses Colgate, her suitor still looks like he’s trying to avoid being anywhere near her open mouth..
Bishop: Yeah, they need a better “after” picture.
Bishop: “You too can avoid open-mouth kisses at all costs after using COLGATE!”
Actress: I’m thinking about switching brands…
Actress: Oh, one more thing. Does her bad breath have anything to do with the fact she’s wearing an empty plate on her head? What has she been eating?
Bishop: HA! She’s serving hors d’ouvres on her head. That’s connected to the bad breath somehow, I just know it.
Actress: I think Mary got a bit carried away with the ol’ cocktail onions and cheese on toothpicks. Just a hunch…