Bishop: Oh, good. Finally a machine with feelings! Most of my appliances are such jerks.
Actress: Of course a machine with feelings has to be female. A male machine couldn’t possibly…Unless he was a robot called Andrew in some crappy movie called Bicentennial Man.
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, if anything, movies need LESS machines with feelings.
Bishop: I’m still not sure if the machine to which they’re referring is HER or that thing on her back.
Actress: I think it’s the gun… It looks like one of those vintage vibrators from the early 20th century. Now that will give you “feelings”…
Bishop: Hey! That would make for a really good movie, indeed.
Actress: Well, you never know your luck with this one, starring none other than Playboy Playmate of the Year, Dorothy Stratten…
Bishop: This was the film that finally won her the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Dramatic Role
Actress: Oh, my god… it’s THE Dorothy Stratten! She was murdered, you know, and has become the subject of many a made-for-tv midday movie since…
Bishop: By the critics?
Actress: No, by her husband. She was only 20.
Bishop: Oh, great, now I have to feel slightly guilty laughing at her.
Actress: Yeah, that sucks.
Bishop: Let’s pretend it stars Farah Fawcett. EVERYONE laughs at her.
Actress: Yes! Farrah. Brilliant.
Actress: I’m just assuming that the feelings she has are emotional feelings and not physical feelings, because I think she’d be getting a bit of a chill in her kidneys in that outfit…
Bishop: That outfit’s a bit chilly for deep space, isn’t it? I think the feeling is “brrrrr”.
Actress: I wonder why she needs that battery pack thingy on her back? Maybe it would have made her boobies a bit misshapen if it was internal…
Bishop: Ha ha! Yes, it must be an external battery pack. She also comes with optional A/C adapter plug.
Actress: And an antenna.
Bishop: She gets good FM radio reception.
Actress: Oh, that’s excellent news. She can listen to some easy listenin’ soft rock while she’s blasting the crap out of aliens.
Bishop: I could be wrong on this, but I think advertisers always like the subject of a picture to be making eye contact with the audience. Galaxina looks very confused, lost, and surprised they made a movie out of her.
Actress: She does, you’re quite right.
Bishop: No wonder she’s surprised, though. Imagine seeing your own name appear in giant lettering above your head. That would weird anybody out.
Actress: I think that’s what she’s looking at…
Bishop: She’s probably wondering where that description came from. Nobody likes to be called a machine with feelings.
Actress: Especially with an exclamation point.
Bishop: I enjoy the use of the word “finally.” As if we’re sitting around counting the minutes. *Sigh* Have they created a machine with feelings YET?
Actress: And it’s been done already!
Bishop: Where? Are you counting Dick Cheney? Oh, wait… he NEVER had feelings!
Actress: Har har…You funny!
Bishop: Nyuk, nyuk.
Actress: Speaking of feelings, all this talk of battery packs and vibrators is making me a bit hot under the collar.
Bishop: Wow! Hey, not a bad way to end this column. That’s the first time a cheesy sci-fic poster inspired female arousal.
Actress: I may need counselling. If you volunteer, I promise I’ll wear my skimpy space-robotgirl-with-feelings costume…
Bishop: I’m there! Say no more!
Actress: [is silent]
Actress: Oh, what the hell…?
Bishop: Ha! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk…Where to begin? I knew we’d get to some really trippy, fucked-up acid artwork sooner or later…
Actress: It stands to reason that the devil wears a wife beater, no?
Bishop: Yeah, the devil’s got the fashion sense of some guy on “Cops”.
Actress: Yeah, and he’s yelling like some idiot who’s just about to get arrested, too…
Bishop: As it turns out, he’s NEVER worn Prada.
Actress: Hey, it could be a designer wife beater. Don’t be so judgmental.
Bishop: When I see this out of the corner of my eye, I imagine that his staff is a mic stand and he looks like some sort of nightmarish stand-up comedian.
Actress: I just translated the title, through the dodgy Alta Vista babel fish… and it says “Hot Rates to Dance”
Bishop: Who could have guessed a translation would yield a title making even LESS sense?
Actress: There’s a naked lady in the background who looks like she’s hopping on hot coals… or is it dancing?
Bishop: Your guess is as good as mine. And her tits are fake.
Actress: So are his fingernails…
Bishop: And I hope on all that’s holy that his legs are, too.
Bishop: His dad was a chicken! Don’t laugh!
Actress: Oh, you really shouldn’t have said that…. bwahahaha!
Bishop: Sure, be insensitive. No sympathy for the devil
Actress: Hah! Shit! The devil is after me now..! What shall I do?
Actress: Let us pray.
Bishop: Just hope to escape his hyper-fast chicken legs
Actress: I’ve got no chance. I’m counting on you, my knight in shining armour… *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: Having conquered the Spaghetti Monster from outer space, it’s now my duty to defeat Satan himself!
Actress: And you get bonus points for Satan, because then there’ll be no more McDonalds….
Bishop: Woohoo! Bonus points!
Actress: You always score with me, baby….
Bishop: Danger! These girls are hot!
Actress: If they’re so hot, why haven’t any of these men removed their jackets?
Bishop: Good question. I like to play a game when I see these old B-movie posters… it’s called “Guess the Plot”
Actress: Do you see how the woman standing is not actually pointing at the person with the gun? She’s pointing at the woman in the ballgown, “Oh, look, Martha! Your nail polish is chipped already! I told you not to snag your nails on denim after I give you a manicure!”
Bishop: Ha ha. Something very interesting is happening on her hands. You’d think she’d notice the guy with the gun….
Actress: Is it a guy..? A guy with manly hands and a prominent chest, perhaps?
Bishop: I can’t quite figure out what’s going on in this film, but I think it has something to do with gun-toting mummies chasing underage girls. Possibly hermaphroditic gun-toting mummies? Those are even worse!
Actress: I think it’s really a woman who’s just had a facelift, and she’s returned to wreak havoc in the surgery where she heard the reception staff making fun of her behind her back. Medical receptionists are notoriously rude…
Bishop: I don’t think you’re far off, that could explain the gun.
Actress: Disgruntled patient.
Bishop: Is that Norman Bates in the background?
Actress: I think it’s his even more psychotic younger brother….
Bishop: Seems it. I have a question: Where’s the jailbait?
Actress: That’s what I was wondering… None of these women look remotely under age…
Bishop: Exactly. This movie has let its audience down. It’s failed to deliver on the promise of its title. Imagine going to see Snakes on a Plane with no snakes and no plane.
Actress: Are you disappointed there is no jailbait? Go on, disappoint me by telling me you’re disappointed…
Bishop: Actually, no. Not at all. But I do appreciate truth in advertising from an ethical standpoint. They should have called this movie “Gun Toting Mummies” and it would have been a lot less confusing.
Actress: Indeed. That’s why I’m still going with the disgruntled patient angle, and speaking of confusing, what is going on in the bottom half of the poster? It looks like it comes from a different film…
Bishop: Now, I’m confused. Does Ed Wood think he can gain respectability by calling himself “Edward”?
Actress: Using his middle initial and all…
Bishop: Wow… Someone’s gunning for an Oscar.
Actress: The lady on the left has a lovely frock and I’m sure I saw that balaclava whilst I was out shopping in that army surplus store the other day…
Actress: It always comes back to fashion…. women! *wink*
Bishop: Hey, I approve.
Actress: You ought to…
Actress: Food fight!
Bishop: Ha ha! He seems to be the victim of a drive-by spaghetti-ing.
Actress: Yes, complete with the bread rolls stuck to his head. How very authentic.
Bishop: It’s an Italian food monster.
Actress: This is making me hungry. I love Italian food, don’t you?
Bishop: Yes, I do! And he’s got it in spades. Ironically, he’s the one eating everyone.
Actress: If he can cook, I might have to marry him instead, baby….
Bishop: Noooo!! I will fight IT for your love!
Actress: You are my hero… *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: *Puffs up chest*
Actress: He probably smells like processed parmesan anyway. That stuff stinks like vomit.
Bishop: I don’t even think it’s food, I think it’s some horrible Yarn Monster
Actress: A knitting monster! If he can knit, I might have to marry him instead, baby ….
Bishop: D’oh! Would you please stop fawning over movie monsters? You also threatened to leave me for the Creature From the Black Lagoon, and my ego can’t take anymore.
Actress: Oh, women can be so cruel… Speaking of which, why is it that frightened women on movie posters are always lying terrified, in a comely position, in pretty matching underwear?
Bishop: Women only get attacked while in a partial state of undress.
Actress: Yeah, that’d be right… *rolls eyes*
Bishop: He must have an enormous appetite. How does he put it all away? I mean, if he can eat some people, that’s one thing, but to eat EVERYBODY? He’s going to have a belly ache….
Actress: I think he’s a bit like cookie monster. Not much of what he was eating ended up in his belly.
Bishop: Ah! He’s really just mashing everybody into his face, while not consuming much of anything.
Actress: Yes, that’s it. It’s veins, arteries and intestines he’s covered in, not spaghetti.
Bishop: Yuck. Do you still want to marry him?
Actress: No, I think you’ll do. You smell nicer.
Bishop: Why thank you.
Actress: I love the obligatory flying saucer with regulation green ray of light in the background.
Bishop: We can assume he is of alien origin…Unless that’s not really a UFO, but a stage light. I think he’s on Broadway.
Actress: No, he must be from Mars. Only Martians have flying saucers with green rays of light.
Actress: This film has a stellar cast, I have to say…
Bishop: Yeah… this cast has some Oscar-caliber names.
Bishop: And I’d just like to add that this could very well be a parody of a cheesy sci-fi movie and not actually a cheesy sci-fi movie and IT DOESN’T MATTER. We’re still making fun of it as if it were genuine.
Actress: Hmm… good point, baby. It could well be a fake, but it’s still a cracker, either way.
Bishop: Speaking of crackers, I’m kind of hungry. This poster is making me crave pasta.
Actress: Me too. Wanna go eat?
Bishop: It always gets back to food. I nominate we break and get something to eat.
Actress: Yes, lets. Your turn to cook…
Actress: Oh, I’m having flashbacks….
Bishop: Ahh! revenge of the 80’s stereotypes!
Bishop: They’re called Chattanooga… Are they a country group? Some sort of country/glam-pop hybrid, maybe? My head hurts now…
Actress: I made a jacket just like that one in the middle in sewing class in my first year of highschool, except it was tartan (plaid).
Bishop: Cool. She’s stealing your style..
Actress: I think she stole my hairspray, too.
Bishop: You set all the trends, baby… She just wants to be YOU.
Actress: Well, what can I say? I always wanted one of those feather necklaces….
Bishop: It looks like it tickles…
Actress: Tell me you aren’t jealous of those sunglasses…
Bishop: “I ahm the Terminator… Ah’ll be bock”
Actress: Just after I stick my finger in this light socket…
Bishop: Ha ha!
Bishop: Question: Were there photos taken during the 80’s that WEREN’T in fuzzy soft-focus?
Actress: Hey, it was a new technology. Wanna talk about microchips?
Bishop: lol… Are those things in those computers everyone’s talking about? Radical!
Actress: Oh, crap… The woman in the sunnies, isn’t wearing a JACKPACK is she??
Bishop: I don’t remember what a Jackpack is. I’m afraid to have my memory refreshed…
Actress: Jackpacks were cotton multicoloured jackets, mostly white, that you could fold up in to a little package and seal with a zip. They were big, lemme tell ya…
Bishop: They sound sexy!
Actress: Ooh, they were. I have photos of me in my jackpack…
Bishop: *rowr!!* You sexy little minx…
Actress: *flutters eyelashes* The band name just doesn’t fit with the photo, or the graphics.
Actress: Yup… like I said… I’m guessing they’re some sort of country/glam-pop hybrid.
Bishop: I can’t imagine that taking off, though, call me crazy…
Bishop: The soft-focus is making me ill! Dear God! Every photo from the 80’s I see makes me think the entire decade was fuzzy soft-focus, as if the entire world existed in some dreamy fugue state. Well, I can tell you that it wasn’t! This isn’t an accurate representation!
Actress: No! The 80’s were blindingly colourful. God help me if I ever see another pair of fluro socks… I am scarred…. *cries*
Bishop: There, there. It’s all gone now. The 80’s will never hurt you again.
Actress: *sniff* Promise?
Bishop: I promise. *kisses*
Actress: Why does it say “Stoppa Presarna!” at the top there?
Bishop: I think “Stoppa Pressarna!” is either A) the album’s title or B) Spanish for “stop pressing”, being a note from the record company to the vinyl publishing plant to stop printing copies entirely.
Actress: Yes!! You’ve nailed it with B.
Bishop: See, I studied my Spanish and it paid off.
Actress: Fuck, you’re good. No wonder I love you…
Actress: Hello Mr Blue!
Bishop: Yikes. Um… What the?
Actress: It’s Orion, didn’t you know?
Bishop: THE Orion?
Actress: Yes, he is a star, after all. Although, he might be kidding himself if he thinks he’s a constellation…
Bishop: His “costume” looks one of those masks you cut out of a paper plate when you’re in kindergarten
Actress: He’s been reborn. Are we in the presence of a cosmic miracle?
Bishop: Reborn as what? I can’t figure out what look he’s going for… It’s like part KISS and part Pat Boone.
Actress: Hah! I think he’s auditioning for the Venice Carnival. They are fond of such masks and blue, come to think of it. But somehow, I don’t think his outfit is going to cut it.
Bishop: No, the outfit won’t work at all. He’s like a cheesy, country-western version of Cirque du Soleil.
Actress: Why is he hiding??
Bishop: I think he’s so ashamed of the music, he has to cobble together a ridiculous disguise as a means of hiding.
Actress: Yes, that side buttoning on his trousers was a bad idea. I think he should fire his stylist.
Bishop: I think he already fired her.
Actress: I would hide if I had a haircut like that…
Bishop: It’s not a good style, no. I have to give him credits for camouflage, though.
Bishop: He has a miraculous ability to blend into his surroundings like a human chameleon.
Actress: He’s very macho, or at least trying to be as much as he can with that hair. I think he’s going for the Phantom of the Opera air of mystery, probably with good reason…
Actress: He’s a superhero!
Bishop: He’s a really lame superhero…
Actress: No cape…
Bishop: He’s like your dad trying to be a superhero for your birthday party if he couldn’t hire the local Spider-Man guy. “See, Billy… it’s me, Dad-Man! I’m here to fight crime and wish YOU a Happy Birthday!” Twenty years later, it’s therapy for poor Billy.
Actress: “Yes, kiddies, Superman couldn’t make it, so we have…. Orion! He’s been reborn, you know…”
Bishop: There’s actually a comic book character called Orion. Whoever this guy is, he might get sued.
Actress: He really should be sued by humanity for crimes against fashion and hair. Check out the size of his watch.
Bishop: His watch is huge, and it has to be that way, because he’s got to be places on time. He’s busy, Orion is.
Actress: What do you think is on this record?
Bishop: I’m afraid to guess. I’ll just assume it’s psychedelic country, based on the cover.
Actress: Yup, that sounds about right.