Bishop: Oh, good. Finally a machine with feelings! Most of my appliances are such jerks.
Actress: Of course a machine with feelings has to be female. A male machine couldn’t possibly…Unless he was a robot called Andrew in some crappy movie called Bicentennial Man.
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, if anything, movies need LESS machines with feelings.
Bishop: I’m still not sure if the machine to which they’re referring is HER or that thing on her back.
Actress: I think it’s the gun… It looks like one of those vintage vibrators from the early 20th century. Now that will give you “feelings”…
Bishop: Hey! That would make for a really good movie, indeed.
Actress: Well, you never know your luck with this one, starring none other than Playboy Playmate of the Year, Dorothy Stratten…
Bishop: This was the film that finally won her the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Dramatic Role
Actress: Oh, my god… it’s THE Dorothy Stratten! She was murdered, you know, and has become the subject of many a made-for-tv midday movie since…
Bishop: By the critics?
Actress: No, by her husband. She was only 20.
Bishop: Oh, great, now I have to feel slightly guilty laughing at her.
Actress: Yeah, that sucks.
Bishop: Let’s pretend it stars Farah Fawcett. EVERYONE laughs at her.
Actress: Yes! Farrah. Brilliant.
Actress: I’m just assuming that the feelings she has are emotional feelings and not physical feelings, because I think she’d be getting a bit of a chill in her kidneys in that outfit…
Bishop: That outfit’s a bit chilly for deep space, isn’t it? I think the feeling is “brrrrr”.
Actress: I wonder why she needs that battery pack thingy on her back? Maybe it would have made her boobies a bit misshapen if it was internal…
Bishop: Ha ha! Yes, it must be an external battery pack. She also comes with optional A/C adapter plug.
Actress: And an antenna.
Bishop: She gets good FM radio reception.
Actress: Oh, that’s excellent news. She can listen to some easy listenin’ soft rock while she’s blasting the crap out of aliens.
Bishop: I could be wrong on this, but I think advertisers always like the subject of a picture to be making eye contact with the audience. Galaxina looks very confused, lost, and surprised they made a movie out of her.
Actress: She does, you’re quite right.
Bishop: No wonder she’s surprised, though. Imagine seeing your own name appear in giant lettering above your head. That would weird anybody out.
Actress: I think that’s what she’s looking at…
Bishop: She’s probably wondering where that description came from. Nobody likes to be called a machine with feelings.
Actress: Especially with an exclamation point.
Bishop: I enjoy the use of the word “finally.” As if we’re sitting around counting the minutes. *Sigh* Have they created a machine with feelings YET?
Actress: And it’s been done already!
Bishop: Where? Are you counting Dick Cheney? Oh, wait… he NEVER had feelings!
Actress: Har har…You funny!
Bishop: Nyuk, nyuk.
Actress: Speaking of feelings, all this talk of battery packs and vibrators is making me a bit hot under the collar.
Bishop: Wow! Hey, not a bad way to end this column. That’s the first time a cheesy sci-fic poster inspired female arousal.
Actress: I may need counselling. If you volunteer, I promise I’ll wear my skimpy space-robotgirl-with-feelings costume…
Bishop: I’m there! Say no more!
Actress: [is silent]