Monthly Archives: October 2007

Far-Out Flicks vol. V

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Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Actress: *waves*

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Ad Nauseam vol. IX

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Bishop: What the hell? They made a horse?
Actress: I think this blog has suddenly become unsuitable for children….
Bishop: Whatever’s going on here, it’s unsettling and wrong.
Actress: Yes, and I think it scares me more that it comes from a sewing pattern.
Bishop: Eeek. I don’t want to ask.
Bishop: An alternate theory: maybe the caption belongs to the horse.
Actress: Oh. My. God. I may puke. I think they may be clones. Are they the same woman? Look at them. It’s weird.
Bishop: Maybe he made a couple of blonde 70’s stereotypes… Could he be a mad genius horse who’s cloning women? Who knows?
Actress: Is this from an Amish fashion catalogue?
Bishop: Yes, it is from an Amish fashion catalogue. The Amish do in fact have their own fashion culture.
Actress: I say, that bonnet is rather fetchingly tied at the side. Very subversive..
Bishop: Hey, if there’s a subversive way to tie a bonnet, that must be it.
Actress: All the Amish ladies are doing it (said the actress to the bishop)…
Bishop: Ah! I fall more in love with you with every double entendre.
Actress: Would you still love me in a bonnet and pinafore with cherries on the bib? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: Of course. Wear it to bed. Be my Amish Aphrodite.
Actress: What about the frock underneath? That neckline is so sexy…
Bishop: The whole outfit is great. It gets my approval.
Actress: Not to mention the puffy sleeves. The safari pantsuit, isn’t nearly as comely….
Bishop: Yeah, it looks a bit stiff. No guesses as to what they made? And who made what?
Actress: Whoever made it, couldn’t help themselves, and that in itself screams a dire need for some deep psychotherapy.
Bishop: Yeah, talk about needy. It’s a compulsive desire for attention.
Actress: Although it may be a little more comfortable for riding (ahem) the horse…
Bishop: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Actress: Oh, you don’t really mean that… *smiles*
Bishop: Ah, who am I kidding? Go ahead and keep your mind in the gutter. I wouldn’t have it any other way *grins*.
Actress: Aw, just my mind? *winks*

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Plastique Fantastique vol. XI

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Bishop: Oh. my. god. I have NEVER EVER in my life seen anyone who was more ill-equipped to rock out than this guy.
Actress: I think his mother has been asking “where’s wally?” for some time, judging by his effusive greeting.
Bishop: If “effusive” means “bat shit crazy” I would have to agree.
Actress: Oh, he’s just happy.. Will you begruge Wally some happiness? Look, how could you when his tongue is hanging sideways from his mouth like that?
Bishop: Yeah, we’ll let him have a good time. I have to say, though, I can’t imagine this guy being terribly creative if that’s the best album title he can come up with.
Actress: Hah! I’d like to hear his version of “1913 Massacre”. Then again, “Don’t Send My Mother to Prison” could be a corker, and the answer to all our questions…
Bishop: Yes, there’s some skeletons in this guy’s closet, I think.
Bishop: Why isn’t he pictured playing the guitar, as is the norm for musicians? He looks like he’s dropping it and leaving it.
Actress: Wally by name, wally by nature…
Bishop: I think he wants to give his mom a big high-five. The high-five is not dead for Wally Whyton.
Actress: Well, wouldn’t you if your mother was going to prison? Err… hang on… that’s not what I meant…
Bishop: Wha’?
Actress: Nevermind. I’ll bet he does a wicked cover of “Greenback Dollar”. I dig that song.
Bishop: I wouldn’t trust him to cover “Hot Cross Buns”. Look at how awkwardly he’s holding that guitar.
Bishop: I’m beginning to think Wally isn’t really a musician at all! This is all too awkward and wrong. Just look at him! He’s more like some guy who wandered into someone else’s photo shoot.
Actress: It’s folk, baby. Folk musicians are a special breed all of their own. Skivvies and corduroy and all.
Bishop: I should have known… explains the 12-string.
Actress: Indeed. Will you wear a skivvy for me? Fawn coloured pants would be a bonus…
Bishop: Absolutely! Who could have guessed this of all album covers would have inspired romantic requests?
Actress: You’re so adventurous. I love you. *kisses*

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Ad Nauseam vol. VIII

Actress: Ahhhh! My eyes..!!
Bishop: Dial keeps you dry but what will return my vision after I’ve gone blind from the commercial?
Actress:
I don’t think they mentioned a guarantee. You could sue.
Actress: This commercial gives me spiral eyes…
Bishop: It makes me wonder what the “secret ingredient” to Dial is. If you catch my meaning…
Actress: Oh, I catch it. I could be persuaded to join a cult led by OJ Simpson, I am so transfixed by this commercial. There is a secret ingredient, alright…
Bishop: The OJ cult is a sham, but I see what you mean. This commercial is hypnotic. I have no choice but to buy this deodorant. It’s wedged itself into my brain.
Actress: I feel I’m having severe acid flashbacks. This is doing strange things to my head. I am really starting to think I shouldn’t have done all that acid in my misspent youth… man…
Bishop: Don’t feel guilty… at least your experiences didn’t lead you create psychadelic deodorant commercials. If LSD has harmed anyone, it’s the good people at Dial.
Actress: Yes! Take acid and work in advertising. Ought to be more of it, I say…
Bishop: More interesting commercials, that’s for sure. I think the talking gecko in the Geico ads was created by heads.
Actress: I swear to god, I have watched that commercial about 48 times, and it NEVER fails to stop me in my tracks and turn me into a spiral eyed zombie. And that’s not an altogether unpleasant feeling…
Bishop: I’m glad you enjoyed it so much… or are you now addicted to the Dial commercial?
Actress: Must… have… dial… dry……

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Plastique Fantastique vol. X

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Actress: Holy crap, is that a real child? In the pink, I mean…
Bishop: I have no idea… Do I see one lifeless doll, two, or three?
Actress: I’m counting three. This is like something out of a creepy doll horror movie.
Bishop: OK, Whichever of you are flesh and blood humans, raise your hand!
Actress: Anyone?
Bishop: *crickets chirping*
Actress: …………………
Actress: Ok, so we have to assume that Little Marcy is Chucky’s sister in the green… Is she a ventriloquist doll? I ask only because that woman doesn’t appear to have her hand anywhere near her arse…
Bishop: Ahh! This cover keeps getting creepier… The doll sings on its own!
Actress: And I don’t like the look on the woman’s face. I’m waiting for her eyes to glow red. Actually, I’m waiting for ALL their eyes to glow red…
Bishop: Yeah, bare minimum
Bishop: Who dresses their kids like that? Is that Laura Ingalls?
Actress: Oh, my… I think it’s Nelly! It would explain the sadistic vibe…
Actress: I think the other child has been kidnapped and forced to participate in blondie’s “little dolly” fantasies. She looks like she’s in pain.
Bishop: God, they all appear in pain… emotional pain.
Bishop: It makes me long for a nice monster movie poster. One where people are being attacked by vicious space aliens. At least then, the horrors are overt
Actress: This IS a monster movie poster.
Bishop: You’re right! This is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel if I’ve ever seen it.
Actress: I’m frightened to go to sleep now. Will you stay up with me, baby?
Bishop: Yes. I may never sleep again.
Actress: As long as we never, never sleep together… *wink, wink*

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Enfants Terribles vol. II

megaforce

Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

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Ad Nauseam vol. VII

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Actress: This is how my living room looked in the 60’s…. if I was alive in the 60’s.
Bishop: If we were to go back in time to the 60’s and become surrealist interior decorators, this would be our living room in the 60’s.
Actress: I was lying about this is how my living room looked, if it existed. This is horrible. What a mess. Although it has some pleasing elements…
Actress: You’re sweet to take my bait though, baby .. *wink*
Bishop: Hey, don’t mention it.
Bishop: My favorite part of this room is the door… it allows for speedy exit.
Actress: Door? There is a door? [peers closer]….
Bishop: Oh no… there’s no door? In that case, it’s not even a room… it’s a cell.
Actress: with big purple turds on the floor. I always wanted purple turds. They make me happy.
Bishop: Giant purple turds… they accentuate any room. I’d love to make fun of the objects in this room, but I have no idea what I’m looking at. Is this FURNITURE?
Actress: I think most of the decor, coloured orange, comes from my playroom, circa 1974… I was a bit behind the times…
Bishop: You’re right! I was just about to say that those plastic orange chairs remind me of the little baby table you have in your playroom. I picture myself sitting down at a table like that at the age of 4 and messing around with Play-Doh or action figures.
Actress: Yes! I used to like screwing the legs off the chairs.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop…
Bishop: Oh, you’re too good! *kisses* I love it when you make double entendres.
Actress
: *curtsies* Thank you, baby. I aim to please…
Bishop
: So… the question remains… WHO is to be using this room and for WHAT purpose? Any guesses? Any at all?
Actress: I think it’s the living room on a spaceship. I know that’s what they want us to think, but I think it’s for REAL. What other environment could be so utterly cold?
Actress: The plants are a nice touch, though..
Actress: As completely 60’s/70’s as they are…
Bishop: It is. This was created by a cold, inhuman, alien sentience. In other words, it’s probably Scandanavian.
Actress: Indeed. I think you may be entirely correct. However, I’m still trying to work out what’s going on to the righ of the “picture” window…
Bishop: I’m still trying to work out ANY of it… describe what you’re looking at. We probably won’t crack the case, but I’ll take a look.
Actress: I can’t get past the purple turds, but did ANYONE on earth actually have a living space that remotely resembled this? If so, I’ve been hanging out in the wrong crowds…
Bishop: No, this is not the picture of a livable room, this is the picture of an art student losing his mind.
Actress: With plenty of flat surfaces to draw lines of… things on. Right.
Bishop: Yes. Let’s not ponder too long. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.
Actress: I still want to sit on one of those turds. They look kinda comfy… Made for two, perhaps? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: I’ll join you then. Nothing’s more romantic than a giant, purple turd. Which sounds like the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. This is why I mustn’t work for Hallmark.
Actress: I think you’ll feel differently when we are sucked into that big purple hole….What I’m thinking about that is not fit for public consumption, I assure you…
Bishop: C’mere you…

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