Ad Nauseam vol. IV


Actress: How is it that I am the core demographic for this advertisement and I am completely confused?
Bishop: It does seem a bit disjointed in focus, doesn’t it? They’re talking about joining sports teams and then arguing with your family… FOCUS in, ad people!
Bishop: This is easily the most cluttered Kotex ad in history. Usually it’s just a girl running through a field and feeling “fresh”.
Actress: Or in a bikini…
Actress: Gosh. I think we should tackle it section by section; what do you think?
Bishop: Yes, we’ll take it section by section.
Actress: First, what the hell is “parlor” chatter? Even they put it in ” “…. and how does your soundtrack fail you in thus? What does it all mean???
Bishop: It’s bizarre… whoever wrote ad copy for this thing seriously has no grasp of youthy vernacular.
Actress: And how does a snow train make all the difference to your level of yakkety-yak confidence? This has nothing to do with sanitary protection at all, it seems…
Bisohp: No… if you covered up the Kotex logo, you would have no idea what this ad was even for.
Actress: Are we really supposed to tick the boxes? Do you think anyone ever actually did??
Bishop: That would be so pathetic. This ISN’T a real quiz, after all
Actress: Moving onto the next question, “…which style demands special grooming?”…
Bishop: “Hey, junior kiddos! Time to jump on the snow train and make with the yakkety-yak while giving your razzmatazz a real shot in the arm! Join a bowling team! Wear batwings! Do you like pleated skirts? Don’t blow your top!” These sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic person, not someone attempting to sell women’s hygiene products….
Actress: Hah! The batwings really bother me. Will you only love me if I wear batwings? I mean, I might perspire.. and you might tire… of me. *worried look*
Bishop: No batwings for my baby *kisses*. If you perspire, I will not tire.
Actress: I feel a sudden urge to finish this in Dr Seuss style rhyme… but we won’t go there…
Bishop: “I will not eat it with batwings.. I will not eat them wearing rings…”
Actress: …or a bra with built in shields. WHAT IS THAT?? Am I supposed to strap diapers sanitary napkins strapped under my armpits? That could explain the batwings..
Bishop: Are people not supposed to notice the diapers sanitary napkins sticking out from under your arms? Maybe the batwings would be necessary in that situation… go around looking like a flying squirrel.
Actress: Aw, squirrels are cute… but batwings send me flying right back to the 80’s and that’s not a good thing…
Bishop: Oh, I remember that
Actress: Isn’t it quaint how they refer to “calendar time”? I’ve never heard that one before…
Bishop: It’s actually a surprisingly tasteful sobriquet.
Actress: Shall we move on? We’re getting lessons in how to straighten out a feud…
Bishop: Yes. And you want to be comfy before you start a fight in your own house.
Actress: Quite. So THAT’S where I’ve been going wrong all these years. If only I’d worn a diaper sanitary napkin during PMS, all my hormones would have behaved themselves! *slaps forehead*
Bishop: Yes! No arguments if you’re wearing your trusty Kotex.
Actress: But is she wearing her batwings? I think not…
Bishop: You’ve gotta have those life-saving batwings!
Actress: Think of me at Christmas, darling. Add batwings to the list… They can only benefit both of us…
Bishop: You got it. Ironically, this ad has turned us more on to batwings than it has to any Kotex-produced product.
Actress: Yes, and I take umbrage at the suggestion to “Try the weeping technique”, when trying to gain forgiveness for a feud I started because I wasn’t wearing my Kotex. It makes the entire sisterhood sound like a bunch of manipulative hussies.
Bishop: Oh, 1950’s! Was there anyone you DIDN’T condescend to?!



Filed under Ad Nauseam

3 responses to “Ad Nauseam vol. IV

  1. K

    Oh, God. I’m having serious flashbacks to “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” now. Judy Blume and her terrifying descriptions of sanitary napkins had me fearing the day when my period would finally come “Carrie”-style when I was about nine years old.

    Also, there’s something about “gang gatherings” that sounds fairly ominous…

  2. K – Judy Blume caused you irrevocable psychological trauma as a kid. You should sue.

    Yes, “gang gatherings” does sound a bit unsavory. I’m hoping they weren’t referring to the Bloods and the Crips.


    – Bishop

  3. Bessy_the_Cow

    A bra with “built in shields” refers to one with “perspiration shields,” pads which women used to wear between their armpit and dress to keep their sweat from making wet spots on the dress.

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