Actress: How is it that I am the core demographic for this advertisement and I am completely confused?
Bishop: It does seem a bit disjointed in focus, doesn’t it? They’re talking about joining sports teams and then arguing with your family… FOCUS in, ad people!
Bishop: This is easily the most cluttered Kotex ad in history. Usually it’s just a girl running through a field and feeling “fresh”.
Actress: Or in a bikini…
Actress: Gosh. I think we should tackle it section by section; what do you think?
Bishop: Yes, we’ll take it section by section.
Actress: First, what the hell is “parlor” chatter? Even they put it in ” “…. and how does your soundtrack fail you in thus? What does it all mean???
Bishop: It’s bizarre… whoever wrote ad copy for this thing seriously has no grasp of youthy vernacular.
Actress: And how does a snow train make all the difference to your level of yakkety-yak confidence? This has nothing to do with sanitary protection at all, it seems…
Bisohp: No… if you covered up the Kotex logo, you would have no idea what this ad was even for.
Actress: Are we really supposed to tick the boxes? Do you think anyone ever actually did??
Bishop: That would be so pathetic. This ISN’T a real quiz, after all
Actress: Moving onto the next question, “…which style demands special grooming?”…
Bishop: “Hey, junior kiddos! Time to jump on the snow train and make with the yakkety-yak while giving your razzmatazz a real shot in the arm! Join a bowling team! Wear batwings! Do you like pleated skirts? Don’t blow your top!” These sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic person, not someone attempting to sell women’s hygiene products….
Actress: Hah! The batwings really bother me. Will you only love me if I wear batwings? I mean, I might perspire.. and you might tire… of me. *worried look*
Bishop: No batwings for my baby *kisses*. If you perspire, I will not tire.
Actress: I feel a sudden urge to finish this in Dr Seuss style rhyme… but we won’t go there…
Bishop: “I will not eat it with batwings.. I will not eat them wearing rings…”
Actress: …or a bra with built in shields. WHAT IS THAT?? Am I supposed to strap
diapers sanitary napkins strapped under my armpits? That could explain the batwings..
Bishop: Are people not supposed to notice the
diapers sanitary napkins sticking out from under your arms? Maybe the batwings would be necessary in that situation… go around looking like a flying squirrel.
Actress: Aw, squirrels are cute… but batwings send me flying right back to the 80’s and that’s not a good thing…
Bishop: Oh, I remember that
Actress: Isn’t it quaint how they refer to “calendar time”? I’ve never heard that one before…
Bishop: It’s actually a surprisingly tasteful sobriquet.
Actress: Shall we move on? We’re getting lessons in how to straighten out a feud…
Bishop: Yes. And you want to be comfy before you start a fight in your own house.
Actress: Quite. So THAT’S where I’ve been going wrong all these years. If only I’d worn a
diaper sanitary napkin during PMS, all my hormones would have behaved themselves! *slaps forehead*
Bishop: Yes! No arguments if you’re wearing your trusty Kotex.
Actress: But is she wearing her batwings? I think not…
Bishop: You’ve gotta have those life-saving batwings!
Actress: Think of me at Christmas, darling. Add batwings to the list… They can only benefit both of us…
Bishop: You got it. Ironically, this ad has turned us more on to batwings than it has to any Kotex-produced product.
Actress: Yes, and I take umbrage at the suggestion to “Try the weeping technique”, when trying to gain forgiveness for a feud I started because I wasn’t wearing my Kotex. It makes the entire sisterhood sound like a bunch of manipulative hussies.
Bishop: Oh, 1950’s! Was there anyone you DIDN’T condescend to?!