Ad Nauseam vol. V


Actress: Poor Mary’s been left in the moonlight because of her stinky breath. A condition she condemns in others! Judgmental cow…
Bishop: Judgmental and cold. The moonlight means NOTHING to her! She’s so unfeeling.
Actress: What about all those other poor bastards with bad breath? Serves her right, I reckon…
Bishop: Yeah, Mary’s getting off on the wrong foot with us from the outset. You need a character in your ad who’s less of a buzzkill. She’s a bit bitchy right off the bat.
Actress: They haven’t painted a pretty picture of her, that’s for sure. Why is it always women who have the hygeine problems in these ads?
Bishop: It’s the 50’s! Men are gross and manly! Only ladies need to look good! That’s their only aim, after all!
Actress: Yes, of course. We’re only here to cook, look good and wait on our man hand and foot. My bad…
Actress: Oh, and not have stinky breath…
Bishop: I think the statistic that 9 out of 10 people have bad breath seems to be a bit high. Was the problem really that severe back then? That’s like an ad that says “98% of people have explosive diarrhea!”
: I thought the same thing. I know I don’t wake up smelling like roses, but surely morning breath doesn’t count?
Bishop: Morning breath shouldn’t count.
Actress: Mary doesn’t have morning breath. You can’t have morning breath in the moonlight, Mary… Hey, I’m digging the alliteration…
Bishop: Very nice.
Actress: Well, look at the toothpaste, sorry Dental Cream tube. I’m thinking the entire concept was quite new before then. What on earth did they use?? Like, they have to CONVINCE us to use toothpaste… and not just Colgate..
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, toothpaste was brand new at the time. Before that, you had to rub pieces of coal on your teeth. That’s all we had and we liked it, dagnabbit!
Actress: The funny thing about this, is that even after Mary uses Colgate, her suitor still looks like he’s trying to avoid being anywhere near her open mouth..
Bishop: Yeah, they need a better “after” picture.
Bishop: “You too can avoid open-mouth kisses at all costs after using COLGATE!”
Actress: I’m thinking about switching brands…
Actress: Oh, one more thing. Does her bad breath have anything to do with the fact she’s wearing an empty plate on her head? What has she been eating?
Bishop: HA! She’s serving hors d’ouvres on her head. That’s connected to the bad breath somehow, I just know it.
Actress: I think Mary got a bit carried away with the ol’ cocktail onions and cheese on toothpicks. Just a hunch…



Filed under Ad Nauseam

11 responses to “Ad Nauseam vol. V

  1. — it also is great to cover up those nasty blackheads.

    Really cool blog! .. I am putting you on my blogroll!

  2. finaltaxi – Thank you very much! 🙂 We’re glad you liked it and feel free to come back any time you like. We’ll also add you to our blogroll.

    And I’m sure the many uses of Colgate Dental Cream are yet to be explored. Kudos for pointing that out.

  3. vandamonium

    I ran across a bunch of vintage advertising stuff last night and had a pretty good chuckle. Thanks for stopping by my place and commenting.

  4. vandamonium – Hey, no problem 🙂 Glad you liked it. Come back any time.

  5. Why doesn’t everyone do exactly what the one person out of ten that has nice flowery breath does? It makes me wonder about all of my friends and the sly, devious things they must be doing to hide the fact their breath is rancid. I love your site because it makes me think about all of these things. I think I need a therapist…

  6. Schmeicheljp – If you need a therapist, imagine the dire straits WE must be in. I think that 1 guy out of 10 is really hanging onto his secret, whatever it is. He knows something the rest of us don’t.

    And you’re right: if it’s 9 out of 10, that’s 90% of the people I know. They must be pretty crafty bastards to conceal it so well.

    I’ll have to do more research into this very topic.

    – The Bishop

  7. Oh, damn! I thought this was an ad for feminine hygiene!

  8. Stiletto – I guess it depends on where you’re using the toothpaste.

    *Hangs head in shame* I’ve sunk to a new low.

    – Bishop

  9. I’m digging the subtle use of underlining words they used for what appears to be subliminal messaging. Though I might just be crazy, words like PENETRATING and PLEASANT couldn’t possibly be misconstrued in sexual connitations.

    Cool blog.

  10. Stuart – They really are quite fond of underlining PENETRATING, aren’t they? I can’t quite believe I missed that. PLEASANT is a nice kicker, though… This is giving the entire advertisement a whole new meaning. I must away for now and ponder this….

    Oh, and thank you, kind sir. 🙂

    ~ Actress

  11. I would be suspicious of any toothpaste that says “children love it”….hopefully it doesn’t contain sugar…and hopefully kids won’t try to eat it -_-;;

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