Actress: Should we be calling someone about this? Child Protective Services, perhaps?
Bishop: This is genuinely frightening. Should children be bound to the bed?
Actress: Well, you never know… They might come and axe murder you in the night. You can never be too careful.
Bishop: It’s best to keep them in place in that situation, I suppose. However, I can’t help but wonder how many innocent kids are put in a fire hazard because of this. It’s a sombering statistic.
Actress: Maybe the kid IS a fire hazard. Did you think of that? Huh? Huh?
Bishop: Good point.
Bishop: They’re really adamant about statistics, aren’t they? They just beat you over the head with those numbers. Holy crap…
Actress: I believe those are knitting instructions, o’ manly non-knitter of mine….
Bishop: Oh! I thought this was an overly pedantic ad… wow, is my face red. But now I know they’re instructions… for how to make your own baby-trap. Very nice.
Actress: Of course you’re forgiven for thinking so, my love. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d never laid eyes on anything resembling a knitting pattern. They even do my head in.
Bishop: I guess whoever is making this baby-trap has to be really dedicated. It’s not just a way of binding a child to a crib, it’s a work of art. How sweet.
Actress: I just wonder how comfortable it can be for that poor child to spend the night in a starfish pose. I don’t think they’ve thought this through…
Bishop: Yeah. God help you if you want to turn over.
Actress: Or… move. In any way.
Bishop: “Tie ’em in and keep ’em warm… and if they want to lie on their side, too bad!”
Actress: Hey, she still has use of her legs. It’s not all bad…
Bishop: This is depressing. I feel scarred.
Actress: So do I. I feel like I need regressive therapy after this, and it wasn’t even me.
Actress: Shall we move on?
Bishop: Yes, let’s.