Category Archives: Enfants Terribles

Enfant Terribles vol.V

 

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Actress: I was a deprived child. Why didn’t I have an ugly plastic wig? WHYYY??!!! I need to talk to my therapist about this…
Bishop: Any kid would love those wigs. They look so LIFELIKE.
Actress: Eric Bana used to wear one of those wigs when he was a sketch comedian impersonating Australian media personality/journalist Ray Martin. It looked disturbingly like the one in the middle, except black. Eric Bana must have a small head.
Bishop: It claims to fit all head sizes, but I’m not so sure about that. We’ll get Philip Seymour Hoffman (the man with the world’s largest head) in there to test that claim.
Actress: Good idea. Stay tuned folks…
Bishop: I’m glad they’re soft. Not only do they look EXACTLY like real hair, but they have the same texture. Wow, what a simulation.
Actress: I wish I had one now. Perfect for those bad hair days…
Actress: I’m particularly taken with the blonde wig on the right. I know if I was to choose a blonde wig, that would be the hairstyle I would be after…
Bishop: Definitely. It’s like a little hair plateau that sits on your head. How stylish.
Actress: You could serve food off that wig. Send little Sally with the blonde wig around at parties with hors d’oeuvres.
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, I think that’s what it was designed for.
Bishop: The important thing is that it’s SAFE. Because if your kid was somehow injured with her own plastic wig, it would be five times as sad as if they were merely injured.
Actress: Yes, because if you were standing under say, a falling tree branch, or piano for instance, you would be well protected.
Bishop: Exactly! If your kids don’t want to wear a helmet during playtime, trick them into wearing a helmet by painting hair on it.
Actress: I’m feeling crafty and inspired. I think I’m going to dig out my cycle helmet and delicately paint fetching “redhead” strokes on it with my acrylics. Yes. Yes I am.
Bishop: And everyone will just think your hair looks a bit different.
Actress: As I said, perfect for those bad hair days…

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Enfant Terribles vol. IV

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Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

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Enfant Terribles vol. III

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Actress: Should we be calling someone about this? Child Protective Services, perhaps?
Bishop: This is genuinely frightening. Should children be bound to the bed?
Actress: Well, you never know… They might come and axe murder you in the night. You can never be too careful.
Bishop: It’s best to keep them in place in that situation, I suppose. However, I can’t help but wonder how many innocent kids are put in a fire hazard because of this. It’s a sombering statistic.
Actress: Maybe the kid IS a fire hazard. Did you think of that? Huh? Huh?
Bishop: Good point.
Bishop: They’re really adamant about statistics, aren’t they? They just beat you over the head with those numbers. Holy crap…
Actress: I believe those are knitting instructions, o’ manly non-knitter of mine….
Bishop: Oh! I thought this was an overly pedantic ad… wow, is my face red. But now I know they’re instructions… for how to make your own baby-trap. Very nice.
Actress: Of course you’re forgiven for thinking so, my love. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d never laid eyes on anything resembling a knitting pattern. They even do my head in.
Bishop: I guess whoever is making this baby-trap has to be really dedicated. It’s not just a way of binding a child to a crib, it’s a work of art. How sweet.
Actress: I just wonder how comfortable it can be for that poor child to spend the night in a starfish pose. I don’t think they’ve thought this through…
Bishop: Yeah. God help you if you want to turn over.
Actress: Or… move. In any way.
Bishop: “Tie ’em in and keep ’em warm… and if they want to lie on their side, too bad!”
Actress: Hey, she still has use of her legs. It’s not all bad…
Bishop: This is depressing. I feel scarred.
Actress: So do I. I feel like I need regressive therapy after this, and it wasn’t even me.
Actress: Shall we move on?
Bishop: Yes, let’s.

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Enfants Terribles vol. II

megaforce

Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

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Comix Remix vol. II

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Actress: Someone call child protective services!!!!!
Bishop: Oh, no! That guy IS child protective services!!
Actress: That’s it. I give up. There is no hope for humanity.
Bishop: I think he’s a hero because he’s protecting that truck from the imminent danger of that snot-nosed kid. Look at how hard he’s going to hit that punk! He’ll teach kids everywhere a thing or two about messing with poor helpless trucks.
Actress: Oh god… I think you’re right. I had it all wrong. Look how terrified the driver is! His grill was very nearly dented!
Bishop: I’m just impressed by the cop’s wind-up. That’s quite a punching arm, I have to say.
Actress: Being a girly girl and not knowing a thing about punching, even I’d have to agree… He’s teaching her good! Little scamp…
Bishop: I enjoy the fact that they boast the “Famous Funnies” moniker with such pride. You can bet when you’re buying a Famous Funnies publication, you’ve got your hands on a quality piece of literature.
Actress: Yes, because this publication looks hilarious! I can barely contain myself…
Bishop: Ha ha! What could be funnier than imminent death? I’m laughing already.
Actress: Wait, is that a… a horse in the passenger side of the truck? Or is it a bull? Oh, it’s nothing… my bad. It would have added to the sheer comedic genius, if it was…
Bishop: Yeah. Although now that you’ve mentioned it, it’s really freaking me out… I mean, what the hell? What IS it? It looks like a giant brown blob… oh, it’s weirding me the hell out.
Actress: I don’t know, but I’m glad this comic only costs 10 cents. Any more and I might be looking for holes in the “NEW” moniker…
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, I really balk at paying more than a dime for anything.
Actress: So THAT’S why the Ghost Monster never arrived… *pout*
Bishop:
Baby, dont worry… I promise we’ll get our new Ghost Monster… *kisses*
Bishop: I like the fact that the cover promises that the people in this comic were “chosen by this publication…” to be acclaimed. The people at Famous Funnies really like to toot their own horn. First they’re bragging about their brand name and now they’re deciding WHO is allowed to be considered a hero.
Actress: I think their motives are suspect.
Actress: I’m more interested you in that police uniform. Is it police? Do I sense a role playing theme in this blog? Either way, I’ll bet you can find it somewhere for a buck, and if so, Ghost Monster is history… *kisses*
Bishop: C’mere you…

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Plastique Fantastique vol. VII

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Bishop: Is that… Nellie Olesen?
Actress: Oh, my…..
Bishop: On the left! It’s her!
Actress: She has that smug, self satisfied expression… Nice hairclips, girls. Kudos to you.
Bishop: Those hairclips are pretty obvious, aren’t they?
Bishop: Why are they dressed alike? Their parents put them up to this. No way in hell this was their idea.
Actress: I’m wondering how long those dresses are. If they were short, they’d be cute, but if they are, as I suspect, floor length, we have a dressmaker in the family…
Bishop: I agree… I’m suspecting floor length dresses. Super conservative.
Actress: Oh, but they have confidence.
Bishop: Yes, but only one of them has confidence. Otherwise the title would have been “We’ve Got Confidence”
Actress: Oh! You are so right. And we can see which one it is…
Bishop: Which one is it?
Actress: It’s Miss Nelly…
Bishop: Of course!
Actress: Then again, her sister looks like she could be the town bike, given half a chance… I think she has a secret life.
Bishop: Yeah… there’s something about her.
Actress: Miss Nelly has a cheekier look about her, but it’s a look that could easily swing towards the spinster from hell… I picture her as the crazy 60 year old unmarried woman with 15 cats.
Actress: Far out, the elder sister’s hair looks disturbingly like mine in the morning. I need a haircut. Or maybe I can borrow her hairclips…
Bishop: I’ll recommend no hairclips. How about you leave it like it is and just jump in bed with me?
Actress: Well, that’s another option. Far more tempting. Let me call my hairdresser to cancel first…
Actress: I like how they’ve tried to be really hip with the lettering (of course it wasn’t called “font” in those days, ahem). It matches their outfits and everything…
Bishop: Ha!
Actress: Now, somebody said it… “I’ve Got Confidence”. WHO said it? I think Mommy Dearest said it, that’s who… NOW REPEAT AFTER ME…
Bishop: The Stepford Babies have to learn their lines somehow.
Actress: Seriously, WHO dresses like their sibling at that age? It’s one thing for toddler twins…
Bishop: Again, I can sense from here they have a demented mother. I just KNOW it.
Actress: I also am so very intrigued, yet again, as to how so many of the covers of these Christian albums have people standing awkwardly in forests?
Bishop: That is, apparently, THE hot spot for communing with Jesus.
Actress: Yes, and I’ll bet they sound like a poor man’s version of the Moir Sisters…. and that’s saying something…
Bishop: Maybe it’s like a wi-fi internet connection… you’re more in-tune with Jesus if you go to certain hot spots, most of which involve standing in front a very placid and calm lake or forest.
Actress: Hah! Baby… You’ve cracked the nut, yet again…
Bishop: The Moir Sisters? More like the Lesse Sisters! ZING!
Bishop: Why are they leaning on a piece of wood? Was this taken at a lumber yard?
Actress: It’s padded. At least they’re well looked after, bless.
Bishop: We wouldn’t want the little musicians to get splinters
Actress: No, not when we’re listening in stereo….

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Enfants Terribles vol. I

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Actress: Is that child CRYING??
Bishop: You’d think they’d find a more flattering shot than that.
Actress: Well, obviously they couldn’t afford to waste any shots on facial expressions… just look at the costumes!
Bishop: This takes “low budget” to a whole new level
Actress: Ok, ok, I know it’s children’s craft, but I never would have stood for that when I was a kid. Those children must be scarred to this very day.
Bishop: It’s basically the equivalent of dressing them up in potato sacks. And you’re damn right they’re scarred… 30 years on, and they openly burst into tears whenever the clerk at the grocery store asks “paper or plastic?”
Actress: Shoddy and poor, their parents and the publishers of this book ought to be ashamed.
Bishop: Yes, they ought to be.
Actress: Just look at the poor little mite. And what small boy wants to be a panda? I ask you… No wonder he’s crying…
Bishop: He doesn’t really look like a panda as much as a guy with a panda growing out of his stomach. Which I find disturbing. Not only are these costumes cheap and pretty crappy, they’re highly ambiguous. Tell me what the kid on the left is supposed to be….
Actress: That was my next question! WHAT is that? At first I was thinking, court jester… but there’s no sign of a hat, or tights…
Bishop: No, none. I thought maybe it was supposed to be a layer of feathering and the lad was going as a bird of some type… is he an owl?
Actress: Oh, a BIRD. Of course…I can totally see that. Ahem.
Bishop: A bird… maybe. I’m not too sure on that one. I think maybe he’s dressed as a stack of poorly-cut construction paper.
Actress: I was going to remark on the mad paper cutting skillz….
Bishop: Crazy, innit? Maybe it’s some sort of avant-garde fashion that’s just emerged from Paris. The only reason I’m laughing is because I don’t GET IT.
Actress: Me neither, honey….
Actress: All I can say is that don’t their parents know that you make kiddie costumes out of cardboard, crepe paper and ratty old clothes? Take this, for example:

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Actress: And yes, that is me…. Laugh, go on!
Bishop: Aw, you’re too cute to laugh at. I do have to wonder what’s going on, though?
Actress: Well, this would be my point. I am accepting 2nd prize in a fancy dress competition aboard a cruise ship, aged 4. And what did it for me? Ratty old clothes, cardboard and crepe paper…
Actress: I still have that little red octopus, by the way…
Bishop: The red octopus given to you by a guy who’s dressed like Captain Stubing? That’s one to hang onto.
Actress: That kind of explains my facial expression. Even at that age, the guy scared the bejesus out of me…

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