Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The
fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: The tagline focuses on the seven savage punks, but I’m wondering about the giantress off to the side… do you see her? If you squint, you can just barely make her out.
Actress: *squints* Oh, yeah.
Bishop: Incredible. Neither the title nor the tagline acknowledges her. Hello?? She’s a GIANT!! Not to mention the focal point of the poster.
Actress: Hello? We have SEVEN SAVAGE PUNKS on a BINGE!
Actress: I think she’s about to thump them all dead like cockroaches under her giant fists.
Bishop: She could crush them if she felt like it. Oh, she’ll show them a binge of violence, alright.
Bishop: Did you know that “seven savage punks” was in the original draft of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”? It’s true.
Actress: Wow, really? There you go again… educamacating me like you do. I love you, baby *kisses*
Bishop: I love you, darling. *kisses*
Bishop: With a tagline like that, this better be a rip-snorting fight movie. Why do I get the feeling it fails to live up to the promise?
Actress: Possibly because of the potential for fist thumping, but really I think this is some kind of spin-off, telling the background story of the first young woman to escape from Land of the Giants. And she is cool, you know… mainly because she’s that freaking tall that the air drops degrees every time she stands up.
Bishop: Amazing. I imagine it’s hard to shop, being her.
Actress: And I thought I had problems. How is it that all those men are frozen in almost exactly the same pose?
Bishop: Good question… It’s baffling…
Actress: They don’t look crazy to me, they look like automatons, programmed to beat people up in sync.
Bishop: Choreographed fighting! Nooo! Nightmares of West Side Story…
Actress: Don’t start me singing… You’ll be sorry you mentioned that
Bishop: Question: If you were that tall and your hoo-ha were hovering over the head of seven savage punks, would you wear a skirt? Probably not the best choice, I imagine.
Actress: Uh, nice call. No. No, I wouldn’t wear a skirt. I’d be wearing very demure slacks. No culottes, you understand, or stretch jeans for fear of giant camel toe… demure slacks. Yes.
Bishop: Ha ha… Camel toe. Comedy goldmine. Good one, honey.
Actress: GIANT camel toe, no less. It can’t be good. Unless….
Bishop: Well, not for you
Actress: What do you mean, not for me? What’s wrong with my camel toe?!
Bishop: Nothing. Just seems a bit revealing with all those savage punks around. I mean, savage punks are not gentlemen.. hence the “savage punks” tag.
Actress: I wouldn’t want to block their light….
Bishop: You know who’s NOT shy? Giant-lady. It just occurred to me that she’s almost definitely mooning people.
Actress: Maybe that’s her M.O. All she has to do is swivel and I’m sure those savage punks would stop fighting immediately.
Bishop: Despite their weekend binge of violence.
Actress: A weekend binge of violence. I’d rather have a weekend binge of sex. Or alcohol. Or food. Call me old fashioned.
Bishop: Hey, how about all three? I’ll just be old fashioned right with you.
Actress: Sounds better than good to me, baby. Let’s get fashioned in an old timey way.
Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Bishop: Revenge of the sorority lumberjacks!
Actress: I think she’s been hard at it, too. That blade looks a tad blunt.
Bishop: Yeah, she must be exhausted after all that lumberjacking. I had no ideas trees were so bloody…
Actress: It’s a hard life, workin’ on the chain gang… blood, sweat and grumpy looks…
Bishop: Yeah, grumpy’s a good word for it. She doesn’t look scary, only slightly miffed.
Actress: I think she’s grumpy because daddy took away her cell phone.
Bishop: That’s no excuse to kill him with a dull axe.
Actress: I’d probably kill my father if he named me “Hell”…
Bishop: Ha ha! That’s too funny! Oh, tragic to be a girl named Hell…
Actress: No wonder she’s so pissed off…
Bishop: It’s good that she still believes in us, though. No matter what happens, Hell believes in you.
Actress: I find that strangely comforting. Is that wrong?
Bishop: No. No, Hell hasn’t lost her faith. She’s such a good friend.
Bishop: I picture the class valedictorian giving the graduation speech: “And when no one else believed in me, Hell believed in me!”
Actress: [cue: class throw hats in the air]
Bishop: *sniff, sniff*
Actress: That blood will be a bastard to get out of that shirt. This film ought to be sponsored by a good drycleaner, or at the very least a decent brand of washing powder.
Bishop: Yes, Tide needs to feature Hell in a TV commercial.
Bishop: I’m rusty on my biblical history. Was the 8th plague when the waters turned to red tempra paint?
Actress: Um, yes? No? Fuck, I don’t know. She’s annoying me now. Spoilt cheerleaders tend to have that effect…
Bishop: Shall we move on? Hell needs time alone to sulk and clean herself up.
Actress: Leave her to it, I say…. and without dodgy one-liners about seeing me IN Hell.. thank you. *wink*
Bishop: Oh, good. Finally a machine with feelings! Most of my appliances are such jerks.
Actress: Of course a machine with feelings has to be female. A male machine couldn’t possibly…Unless he was a robot called Andrew in some crappy movie called Bicentennial Man.
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, if anything, movies need LESS machines with feelings.
Bishop: I’m still not sure if the machine to which they’re referring is HER or that thing on her back.
Actress: I think it’s the gun… It looks like one of those vintage vibrators from the early 20th century. Now that will give you “feelings”…
Bishop: Hey! That would make for a really good movie, indeed.
Actress: Well, you never know your luck with this one, starring none other than Playboy Playmate of the Year, Dorothy Stratten…
Bishop: This was the film that finally won her the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Dramatic Role
Actress: Oh, my god… it’s THE Dorothy Stratten! She was murdered, you know, and has become the subject of many a made-for-tv midday movie since…
Bishop: By the critics?
Actress: No, by her husband. She was only 20.
Bishop: Oh, great, now I have to feel slightly guilty laughing at her.
Actress: Yeah, that sucks.
Bishop: Let’s pretend it stars Farah Fawcett. EVERYONE laughs at her.
Actress: Yes! Farrah. Brilliant.
Actress: I’m just assuming that the feelings she has are emotional feelings and not physical feelings, because I think she’d be getting a bit of a chill in her kidneys in that outfit…
Bishop: That outfit’s a bit chilly for deep space, isn’t it? I think the feeling is “brrrrr”.
Actress: I wonder why she needs that battery pack thingy on her back? Maybe it would have made her boobies a bit misshapen if it was internal…
Bishop: Ha ha! Yes, it must be an external battery pack. She also comes with optional A/C adapter plug.
Actress: And an antenna.
Bishop: She gets good FM radio reception.
Actress: Oh, that’s excellent news. She can listen to some easy listenin’ soft rock while she’s blasting the crap out of aliens.
Bishop: I could be wrong on this, but I think advertisers always like the subject of a picture to be making eye contact with the audience. Galaxina looks very confused, lost, and surprised they made a movie out of her.
Actress: She does, you’re quite right.
Bishop: No wonder she’s surprised, though. Imagine seeing your own name appear in giant lettering above your head. That would weird anybody out.
Actress: I think that’s what she’s looking at…
Bishop: She’s probably wondering where that description came from. Nobody likes to be called a machine with feelings.
Actress: Especially with an exclamation point.
Bishop: I enjoy the use of the word “finally.” As if we’re sitting around counting the minutes. *Sigh* Have they created a machine with feelings YET?
Actress: And it’s been done already!
Bishop: Where? Are you counting Dick Cheney? Oh, wait… he NEVER had feelings!
Actress: Har har…You funny!
Bishop: Nyuk, nyuk.
Actress: Speaking of feelings, all this talk of battery packs and vibrators is making me a bit hot under the collar.
Bishop: Wow! Hey, not a bad way to end this column. That’s the first time a cheesy sci-fic poster inspired female arousal.
Actress: I may need counselling. If you volunteer, I promise I’ll wear my skimpy space-robotgirl-with-feelings costume…
Bishop: I’m there! Say no more!
Actress: [is silent]
Bishop: Danger! These girls are hot!
Actress: If they’re so hot, why haven’t any of these men removed their jackets?
Bishop: Good question. I like to play a game when I see these old B-movie posters… it’s called “Guess the Plot”
Actress: Do you see how the woman standing is not actually pointing at the person with the gun? She’s pointing at the woman in the ballgown, “Oh, look, Martha! Your nail polish is chipped already! I told you not to snag your nails on denim after I give you a manicure!”
Bishop: Ha ha. Something very interesting is happening on her hands. You’d think she’d notice the guy with the gun….
Actress: Is it a guy..? A guy with manly hands and a prominent chest, perhaps?
Bishop: I can’t quite figure out what’s going on in this film, but I think it has something to do with gun-toting mummies chasing underage girls. Possibly hermaphroditic gun-toting mummies? Those are even worse!
Actress: I think it’s really a woman who’s just had a facelift, and she’s returned to wreak havoc in the surgery where she heard the reception staff making fun of her behind her back. Medical receptionists are notoriously rude…
Bishop: I don’t think you’re far off, that could explain the gun.
Actress: Disgruntled patient.
Bishop: Is that Norman Bates in the background?
Actress: I think it’s his even more psychotic younger brother….
Bishop: Seems it. I have a question: Where’s the jailbait?
Actress: That’s what I was wondering… None of these women look remotely under age…
Bishop: Exactly. This movie has let its audience down. It’s failed to deliver on the promise of its title. Imagine going to see Snakes on a Plane with no snakes and no plane.
Actress: Are you disappointed there is no jailbait? Go on, disappoint me by telling me you’re disappointed…
Bishop: Actually, no. Not at all. But I do appreciate truth in advertising from an ethical standpoint. They should have called this movie “Gun Toting Mummies” and it would have been a lot less confusing.
Actress: Indeed. That’s why I’m still going with the disgruntled patient angle, and speaking of confusing, what is going on in the bottom half of the poster? It looks like it comes from a different film…
Bishop: Now, I’m confused. Does Ed Wood think he can gain respectability by calling himself “Edward”?
Actress: Using his middle initial and all…
Bishop: Wow… Someone’s gunning for an Oscar.
Actress: The lady on the left has a lovely frock and I’m sure I saw that balaclava whilst I was out shopping in that army surplus store the other day…
Actress: It always comes back to fashion…. women! *wink*
Bishop: Hey, I approve.
Actress: You ought to…
Actress: Food fight!
Bishop: Ha ha! He seems to be the victim of a drive-by spaghetti-ing.
Actress: Yes, complete with the bread rolls stuck to his head. How very authentic.
Bishop: It’s an Italian food monster.
Actress: This is making me hungry. I love Italian food, don’t you?
Bishop: Yes, I do! And he’s got it in spades. Ironically, he’s the one eating everyone.
Actress: If he can cook, I might have to marry him instead, baby….
Bishop: Noooo!! I will fight IT for your love!
Actress: You are my hero… *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: *Puffs up chest*
Actress: He probably smells like processed parmesan anyway. That stuff stinks like vomit.
Bishop: I don’t even think it’s food, I think it’s some horrible Yarn Monster
Actress: A knitting monster! If he can knit, I might have to marry him instead, baby ….
Bishop: D’oh! Would you please stop fawning over movie monsters? You also threatened to leave me for the Creature From the Black Lagoon, and my ego can’t take anymore.
Actress: Oh, women can be so cruel… Speaking of which, why is it that frightened women on movie posters are always lying terrified, in a comely position, in pretty matching underwear?
Bishop: Women only get attacked while in a partial state of undress.
Actress: Yeah, that’d be right… *rolls eyes*
Bishop: He must have an enormous appetite. How does he put it all away? I mean, if he can eat some people, that’s one thing, but to eat EVERYBODY? He’s going to have a belly ache….
Actress: I think he’s a bit like cookie monster. Not much of what he was eating ended up in his belly.
Bishop: Ah! He’s really just mashing everybody into his face, while not consuming much of anything.
Actress: Yes, that’s it. It’s veins, arteries and intestines he’s covered in, not spaghetti.
Bishop: Yuck. Do you still want to marry him?
Actress: No, I think you’ll do. You smell nicer.
Bishop: Why thank you.
Actress: I love the obligatory flying saucer with regulation green ray of light in the background.
Bishop: We can assume he is of alien origin…Unless that’s not really a UFO, but a stage light. I think he’s on Broadway.
Actress: No, he must be from Mars. Only Martians have flying saucers with green rays of light.
Actress: This film has a stellar cast, I have to say…
Bishop: Yeah… this cast has some Oscar-caliber names.
Bishop: And I’d just like to add that this could very well be a parody of a cheesy sci-fi movie and not actually a cheesy sci-fi movie and IT DOESN’T MATTER. We’re still making fun of it as if it were genuine.
Actress: Hmm… good point, baby. It could well be a fake, but it’s still a cracker, either way.
Bishop: Speaking of crackers, I’m kind of hungry. This poster is making me crave pasta.
Actress: Me too. Wanna go eat?
Bishop: It always gets back to food. I nominate we break and get something to eat.
Actress: Yes, lets. Your turn to cook…