Ad Nauseam vol. XI

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Bishop: Wow… am I seeing things or do these people live with a horse in the kitchen?
Actress: No, you’re not wrong. I thought stable doors indoors were a relic from the 19th century.
Bishop: “Clean up after yourself! Were you raised in a barn?!?”
Actress: That horse could take off at any moment and gallop through the house, spilling organic vegetables and marking that lovely green paint with his poo and hoof marks at any moment. My mother would have a fit.
Bishop: Speaking of poo… how do they put up with the smell? It’s in their kitchen ferchrissake.
Actress: One must wonder a lot of things about this arrangement…
Bishop: You know what makes me sad? That guy’s paying more attention to the horse than his wife. That’s not right and I don’t care how rural you are.
Actress: You have to take into account that the lady of the house, either has a nasty foot disease, or lives in an imaginary world where she walks around on tippy toe…
Bishop: Yeah, that doesn’t look comfortable.
Actress: I think he and the horse have a “special” relationship. They look close.
Bishop: Eek. I must wash my mind clean of those thoughts.
Actress: Who keeps bales of hay inside their house? I mean, it is a house… not a barn… clearly. Why else would it be featured as a fashionable 1974 interior?
Bishop: I don’t know… I mean how can Europeans look down their snoots at Americans when they’re living like this? For shame. NOW who’re the hillbillies?
Actress: Well, I don’t know about hillbillies…. Her hair is way too shiny.
Bishop: I feel sorry for anyone living in this house. It reminds me of the Great Depression, for some reason. Just horrible.
Actress: Yeah, I can see that. But what I see more, is a couple of barefoot, champagne bo-ho’s with an oppressive green ceiling.
Bishop: That ceiling is the greenest green that ever greened. You have to give them credit for that, at least
Actress: It was the 70’s after all… Ah, I remember that green well. I’m sure at least a couple of our readers can even name the shade…
Bishop: Well, it’s downright purdy, at any rate.
Actress: Yes… and well swept. The amount of hay debris that must be tramped through that kitchen…

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Comix Remix vol. V

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Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

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Plastique Fantastique XV

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Actress: Is that John Belushi?
Bishop: *gasp!* Belushi!
Bishop: Snap.
Actress: I don’t think Belushi ever wore white pants.
Bishop: No, this is clearly some sort of tropical Belushi.
Actress: This is like Belushi on holiday in Imperial Singapore.
Bishop: I think he faked his own death and hid out in the Hawaiin Islands after changing his name to Jose Angel.
Actress: His shoes are pretty sharp, apart from the socks… and the baby poo brown coloured shoes.
Bishop: Yeah, and he really wants you to know how sharp they are, he’s displaying them quite prominently.
Actress: He’s got a pretty flash digital watch, too. He must have been making a mint. I think this “career” is a cover for his decadent drug lord lifestyle.
Bishop: Ha ha! Yes, he’s clearly a cocaine-lord on par with Pablo Escabar. The clothes fit, after all.
Actress: I am taken with what is written at the bottom of the cover, “Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual”. Translated: “Mother I am Christiano Homosexual”. Maybe it wasn’t drugs he was enjoying…
Bishop: Hey, I didn’t need a translator to tell that “homosexual” is Spanish for “homosexual”
Bishop: Points for me! I’m so smart, aren’t I?
Actress: Oh, you are, baby. That’s why I love you. I think this album is his coming out letter to his mother…
Bishop: I think you’re right… and that’s deeply concerting for some reason.
Bishop: I believe he’s acknowledging that he’s a gay Christian. Hey, more power to him, but is this album really the best way to tell your mom?
Actress: It’s a little public, I’d have thought… but who am I to judge?
Bishop: I think a face-to-face would feel more honest than a collection of spicy latin dance grooves?
Actress: I want to see one of his music videos.
Bishop: It might be like a chubbier version of Gloria Estefan
Actress: Or maybe, this guy……..

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Far-Out Flicks vol. VII

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Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Bishop: Mmmm…
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*

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Ad Nauseam vol. X

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Actress: Mad Mixers? Mad Hatter more like it. What the hell do you call that?
Bishop: Yeah, either Lipstick Girl has turned into a human lamp or that’s a really crappy hat.
Actress: Oddly enough, I have a sneaking suspicion it would win a prize at the Spring Racing Carnival.
Bishop: I like to imagine that she’s an 11 foot tall giantess and has her head stuck in a chandelier.
Actress: And a rather fetching lampshade it is. I’ve been looking for a lampshade just like it for ages… Bitch! Stole my bloody lampshade….
Bishop: But you weren’t planning on using it as headwear, though? Right?
Actress: Right, indeed. Nor was I planning on wearing Christmas baubles for earrings. I think she had an accident decorating the tree in the living room…
Bishop: Ha ha. You can’t see it, but she also has a giant star sitting on her head. It’s under the lampshade. The entire tree exploded.
Actress: That explains her facial expression…
Bishop: Women of a bygone era must have had sturdier earlobes. Look at how she can wear those shot-puts from her ears without any apparent pain…
Actress: On closer inspection, they look like clip-on earrings. My god. Speaking as a woman, there is nothing quite as painful as those clip-on’s that screw into your ear. I’m impressed. She’s one tough lady.
Bishop: Her ears are tough, anyway.
Bishop: I like the label this ad carries… It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Mixer (not world)
Actress: It must have been quite the turn of phrase in the day. If only Cover Girl still made ads like these. Not that you even notice the colour of her lips…
Bishop: The ad copy suggests insanity… in fact, so does the entire ad.
Actress: I like “they’re madly beautiful”. If only someone would tell me I’m madly beautiful.. (hint, hint)
Bishop: Aw, baby… you are madly, madly beautiful. And I’m madly, madly in love with you.
Actress: *sigh* You just made my day, baby. As you are so wont to do… Do you think it would help if I wore some Mad, Mad Mixers though? Or perhaps a lampshade on my head? We can all do with a bit of enhancement.
Bishop: You’re perfect as you are. Lampshades or not.

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Plastique Fantastique vol. XIV

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Actress: Such a good looking bunch of fellows are Black Sabbath, that we need DUAL images of their lustrous locks. I’m excited already.
Bishop: Hey, mirrors don’t work like that. I should be thankful. If this mirror reflected accurately, we’d have to see their asses.
Actress: Wow, you’re right. Instead we get two images of those lovely red….. longjohns?
Bishop: I was just about to ask about those. What are they? Are those panythose? Fess up, Bill.
Actress: Looks like someone didn’t wake him up in time for the photoshoot. At least they brushed his hair nice…
Bishop: They all look a bit inconvenienced. I get the feeling they don’t want to be there. Especially Tony. Tony is tired. He must sit.
Actress: Poor Tony. He looks like he’d rather be in an Ashram. All except Ozzy. He’s platform and crucifix ready, he is. Is that Ozzy?
Bishop: Yes, it’s Ozzy… it has to be… if it were Dio, he’d be three feet shorter.
Actress: Well, they are platforms.
Bishop: Tony’s meditation session was clearly interrupted.
Actress: Much like Bill’s sleep. Could he possibly look MORE like he just rolled out of bed? And not even with a beautiful woman, or he wouldn’t be wearing those pants.
Bishop: Ha ha. Take that, Bill. He’s sleepy and he’s also creeping us out with those pants.
Bishop: I like to imagine the giant mirror has snuck up behind them and they’re completely unaware. They seem to have no idea that a magical mirror has been placed behind them.
Actress: Indeed. Those white pants on the left are making me think of Christopher Cross for some reason. I think it’s something to do with sailing. And Ozzy is creeping me out with his kaftan.
Actress: In fact, if you removed the moustache, it could be a photo from a JC Penney’s catalogue from the 70’s… womenswear.
Bishop: Hey! Good point. Wow, disturbing. What if all the metal kids heard you bashing one of their most iconic bands? These guys invented heavy power chord-driven rock! They wrote songs about Satan! Recognize!
Actress: And robots.
Actress: They were ahead of their time, they were. Sort of… What’s your favourite Black Sabbath song?
Bishop: How could I pick just one? The bassline for “NIB” is so tasty, I might have to go with it
Actress: Oh, bugger off you… Boys always get rawk geeky about Sabbath and Led Zeppelin.
Bishop: Did you know that any time you play the main bass part for “NIB” someone within earshot will go “Oh yeah!” over the last two notes? It’s true! It’s like Pavlov’s dog. No one can resist.
Actress: I’ll take your word for it. I may even fall for that one myself. That said, I can probably only name a handful of Black Sabbath songs, and the one I like best out of those, is Iron Man. Well worn, but it sounded good in the car when I was waving at cows in paddocks the other day…
Bishop: “Iron Man” is outstanding cow-waving music. And what a crazy solo.
Actress: Oh, yes. The cows loved it. They might have even waved back, if I was wearing that kaftan…

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Enfant Terribles vol. IV

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Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

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