Tag Archives: advertising

Enfants Terribles vol. II

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Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

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Ad Nauseam vol. VII

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Actress: This is how my living room looked in the 60’s…. if I was alive in the 60’s.
Bishop: If we were to go back in time to the 60’s and become surrealist interior decorators, this would be our living room in the 60’s.
Actress: I was lying about this is how my living room looked, if it existed. This is horrible. What a mess. Although it has some pleasing elements…
Actress: You’re sweet to take my bait though, baby .. *wink*
Bishop: Hey, don’t mention it.
Bishop: My favorite part of this room is the door… it allows for speedy exit.
Actress: Door? There is a door? [peers closer]….
Bishop: Oh no… there’s no door? In that case, it’s not even a room… it’s a cell.
Actress: with big purple turds on the floor. I always wanted purple turds. They make me happy.
Bishop: Giant purple turds… they accentuate any room. I’d love to make fun of the objects in this room, but I have no idea what I’m looking at. Is this FURNITURE?
Actress: I think most of the decor, coloured orange, comes from my playroom, circa 1974… I was a bit behind the times…
Bishop: You’re right! I was just about to say that those plastic orange chairs remind me of the little baby table you have in your playroom. I picture myself sitting down at a table like that at the age of 4 and messing around with Play-Doh or action figures.
Actress: Yes! I used to like screwing the legs off the chairs.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop…
Bishop: Oh, you’re too good! *kisses* I love it when you make double entendres.
Actress
: *curtsies* Thank you, baby. I aim to please…
Bishop
: So… the question remains… WHO is to be using this room and for WHAT purpose? Any guesses? Any at all?
Actress: I think it’s the living room on a spaceship. I know that’s what they want us to think, but I think it’s for REAL. What other environment could be so utterly cold?
Actress: The plants are a nice touch, though..
Actress: As completely 60’s/70’s as they are…
Bishop: It is. This was created by a cold, inhuman, alien sentience. In other words, it’s probably Scandanavian.
Actress: Indeed. I think you may be entirely correct. However, I’m still trying to work out what’s going on to the righ of the “picture” window…
Bishop: I’m still trying to work out ANY of it… describe what you’re looking at. We probably won’t crack the case, but I’ll take a look.
Actress: I can’t get past the purple turds, but did ANYONE on earth actually have a living space that remotely resembled this? If so, I’ve been hanging out in the wrong crowds…
Bishop: No, this is not the picture of a livable room, this is the picture of an art student losing his mind.
Actress: With plenty of flat surfaces to draw lines of… things on. Right.
Bishop: Yes. Let’s not ponder too long. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.
Actress: I still want to sit on one of those turds. They look kinda comfy… Made for two, perhaps? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: I’ll join you then. Nothing’s more romantic than a giant, purple turd. Which sounds like the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. This is why I mustn’t work for Hallmark.
Actress: I think you’ll feel differently when we are sucked into that big purple hole….What I’m thinking about that is not fit for public consumption, I assure you…
Bishop: C’mere you…

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Ad Nauseam vol. VI

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Actress: Is it completely ironic (or something) that I bought a bottle of Wella shampoo today?
Bishop: A bizarre coincidence. I’m sure you were influenced by ads just like this… I mean, how could you resist wanting hair like that?
Actress: Well, I didn’t want to say… but am really quite envious of his smooth lines and shine…
Bishop: The ad says at the bottom: “Be sure you get WELLA Balsam…” as a reminder not to buy their competitors brand. You have to laugh at the lack of subtlety there.
Actress
: Hes obviously not using it on his moustache…
Bishop: You’re right: his moustache is completely unkempt… he needs a Wella product for that mess… or just to get rid of it would be much better.
Actress
: That is not a moustache. It is a scraggly bush. It may make him quite popular with the ladies, however… ahem.
Actress: Not that I’d know…
Bishop: Are you in love with the Wella Balsam guy? I will fight him for your love, so help me God!
Actress: Honey, are you really up to it? So far we have the Spaghetti Monster, Satan… and who else? I only really want you, and I’m worried for your welfare and weaponry against such smooth tresses. Which shampoo are you using again?
Bishop: Generico brand generic shampoo-ish hair soap. Why? Is that a good one?
Actress: It’s not a good match against Wella. I call that you win, by default. Reason being that you are the most adorable man on the planet. There. No more fighting scraggly moustachioed dandies or sloppy spaghetti monsters.
Actress: You can never tell what might come up in the future, however…
Bishop: Ha! I win! I will take them ALL on! Ha ha ha!
Actress
: Funny how there are no products proclaiming balsam these days….
Bishop: Yes… there seems to be a dearth of balsam-based products on the market. I have a feeling they stopped using after it mutated some kids and turned them into little flipper-children… just like what happened with asbestos.
Actress: That’s it! I think you’re found the sole reason for male pattern baldness in middle aged men. Too much WELLA BALSAM. God. Do you think we should alert the authorities?
Bishop: I want to know what this guy looks like NOW… knowing the effects of Wella Balsam, he could be in a bad way…
Actress: That’s what I’m talking about….
Actress: He has NO HAIR.
Bishop: That’ll teach him for messing with balsam. That shit’ll kill you man!
Actress: Slosh it on in the shower, indeed.

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Ad Nauseam vol. V

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Actress: Poor Mary’s been left in the moonlight because of her stinky breath. A condition she condemns in others! Judgmental cow…
Bishop: Judgmental and cold. The moonlight means NOTHING to her! She’s so unfeeling.
Actress: What about all those other poor bastards with bad breath? Serves her right, I reckon…
Bishop: Yeah, Mary’s getting off on the wrong foot with us from the outset. You need a character in your ad who’s less of a buzzkill. She’s a bit bitchy right off the bat.
Actress: They haven’t painted a pretty picture of her, that’s for sure. Why is it always women who have the hygeine problems in these ads?
Bishop: It’s the 50’s! Men are gross and manly! Only ladies need to look good! That’s their only aim, after all!
Actress: Yes, of course. We’re only here to cook, look good and wait on our man hand and foot. My bad…
Actress: Oh, and not have stinky breath…
Bishop: I think the statistic that 9 out of 10 people have bad breath seems to be a bit high. Was the problem really that severe back then? That’s like an ad that says “98% of people have explosive diarrhea!”
Actress
: I thought the same thing. I know I don’t wake up smelling like roses, but surely morning breath doesn’t count?
Bishop: Morning breath shouldn’t count.
Actress: Mary doesn’t have morning breath. You can’t have morning breath in the moonlight, Mary… Hey, I’m digging the alliteration…
Bishop: Very nice.
Actress: Well, look at the toothpaste, sorry Dental Cream tube. I’m thinking the entire concept was quite new before then. What on earth did they use?? Like, they have to CONVINCE us to use toothpaste… and not just Colgate..
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, toothpaste was brand new at the time. Before that, you had to rub pieces of coal on your teeth. That’s all we had and we liked it, dagnabbit!
Actress: The funny thing about this, is that even after Mary uses Colgate, her suitor still looks like he’s trying to avoid being anywhere near her open mouth..
Bishop: Yeah, they need a better “after” picture.
Bishop: “You too can avoid open-mouth kisses at all costs after using COLGATE!”
Actress: I’m thinking about switching brands…
Actress: Oh, one more thing. Does her bad breath have anything to do with the fact she’s wearing an empty plate on her head? What has she been eating?
Bishop: HA! She’s serving hors d’ouvres on her head. That’s connected to the bad breath somehow, I just know it.
Actress: I think Mary got a bit carried away with the ol’ cocktail onions and cheese on toothpicks. Just a hunch…

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Ad Nauseam vol. IV

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Actress: How is it that I am the core demographic for this advertisement and I am completely confused?
Bishop: It does seem a bit disjointed in focus, doesn’t it? They’re talking about joining sports teams and then arguing with your family… FOCUS in, ad people!
Bishop: This is easily the most cluttered Kotex ad in history. Usually it’s just a girl running through a field and feeling “fresh”.
Actress: Or in a bikini…
Actress: Gosh. I think we should tackle it section by section; what do you think?
Bishop: Yes, we’ll take it section by section.
Actress: First, what the hell is “parlor” chatter? Even they put it in ” “…. and how does your soundtrack fail you in thus? What does it all mean???
Bishop: It’s bizarre… whoever wrote ad copy for this thing seriously has no grasp of youthy vernacular.
Actress: And how does a snow train make all the difference to your level of yakkety-yak confidence? This has nothing to do with sanitary protection at all, it seems…
Bisohp: No… if you covered up the Kotex logo, you would have no idea what this ad was even for.
Actress: Are we really supposed to tick the boxes? Do you think anyone ever actually did??
Bishop: That would be so pathetic. This ISN’T a real quiz, after all
Actress: Moving onto the next question, “…which style demands special grooming?”…
Bishop: “Hey, junior kiddos! Time to jump on the snow train and make with the yakkety-yak while giving your razzmatazz a real shot in the arm! Join a bowling team! Wear batwings! Do you like pleated skirts? Don’t blow your top!” These sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic person, not someone attempting to sell women’s hygiene products….
Actress: Hah! The batwings really bother me. Will you only love me if I wear batwings? I mean, I might perspire.. and you might tire… of me. *worried look*
Bishop: No batwings for my baby *kisses*. If you perspire, I will not tire.
Actress: I feel a sudden urge to finish this in Dr Seuss style rhyme… but we won’t go there…
Bishop: “I will not eat it with batwings.. I will not eat them wearing rings…”
Actress: …or a bra with built in shields. WHAT IS THAT?? Am I supposed to strap diapers sanitary napkins strapped under my armpits? That could explain the batwings..
Bishop: Are people not supposed to notice the diapers sanitary napkins sticking out from under your arms? Maybe the batwings would be necessary in that situation… go around looking like a flying squirrel.
Actress: Aw, squirrels are cute… but batwings send me flying right back to the 80’s and that’s not a good thing…
Bishop: Oh, I remember that
Actress: Isn’t it quaint how they refer to “calendar time”? I’ve never heard that one before…
Bishop: It’s actually a surprisingly tasteful sobriquet.
Actress: Shall we move on? We’re getting lessons in how to straighten out a feud…
Bishop: Yes. And you want to be comfy before you start a fight in your own house.
Actress: Quite. So THAT’S where I’ve been going wrong all these years. If only I’d worn a diaper sanitary napkin during PMS, all my hormones would have behaved themselves! *slaps forehead*
Bishop: Yes! No arguments if you’re wearing your trusty Kotex.
Actress: But is she wearing her batwings? I think not…
Bishop: You’ve gotta have those life-saving batwings!
Actress: Think of me at Christmas, darling. Add batwings to the list… They can only benefit both of us…
Bishop: You got it. Ironically, this ad has turned us more on to batwings than it has to any Kotex-produced product.
Actress: Yes, and I take umbrage at the suggestion to “Try the weeping technique”, when trying to gain forgiveness for a feud I started because I wasn’t wearing my Kotex. It makes the entire sisterhood sound like a bunch of manipulative hussies.
Bishop: Oh, 1950’s! Was there anyone you DIDN’T condescend to?!

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Ad Nauseam vol. III

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Bishop: Honey, we just ran out of 7 foot tall dancing monster ghosts. Do you know where we can pick up another 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost for only a buck or so? Wait! What have we here?!
Actress: And for only 35c postage and handling! He’s a bargain at half the price. Can we, baby? Can we, please??
Bishop: Yes, we can! Best of all, he obeys our commands. Don’t you hate it when you buy a 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost and he thinks he knows everything and gets all lippy? I want one that doesn’t sass back when I command it.
Actress: Yes! I can even do my monster-mash-wiggly-hand dance and he won’t laugh at me. Oh, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, honey…
Bishop: We’ll all dance together! Oh, it’ll be so great. I mean, when it says he obeys your commands, I’m guessing you can make him get up and get you a sandwich and stuff, right? He’d almost be like a butler.
Actress: Oh, I’m so excited. He’d be like a Super Monster-Ghost Butler, jumping, darting and rising all over the place. There’d better not be too much floating, though. He has to earn his keep, for all we paid for him..
Bishop: That’s a good point. He’s got to get to it… I’d hate think we wasted that buck.
Actress: Me too. At least we’d have Mr Peeping Skeleton Hands as a back up…
Actress: He sounds a bit dirty…
Bishop: Yeah, I don’t like the fact that he’s a peeper. That should creep anyone out.
Actress: Crawling up your shirt, and all… I don’t think I like him. Can we get a glow-in-the-dark skull money box instead?
Bishop: True. He sounds less than “truly amazing”. As for the glow-in-the-dark skull money box, we’ll have to see if the fine people at Melton Co. can make an exception. They’re reputable, right?
Actress: Yes, of course they are. All we have to do is write to them, and send a stamped, self-addressed envelope… I’m sure they’ll come through. I have faith. Call me optimistic.
Bishop: With 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost on our side, we can’t lose.

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Ad Nauseam vol. II

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Actress: I feel ripped off. I learnt to knit at school and I obviously wasn’t taught in THE MOST DELIGHTFUL WAY POSSIBLE. I want my money back.
Bishop: Aw, man. You WANT to go with the most delightful way possible. All other methods are less delightful by definition.
Actress: Put it this way: If I had learnt in the most delightful way possible, I’d be knitting you a lovely jerkin right now, just like that handsome specimen right there. How does that make you feel?
Bishop: I think he’s the one who looks like a real JERKIN. ZING!
Actress: Oh, baby… You floor me. But tell me you wouldn’t love a studly little number like that. I’ll even weave you a belt…
Bishop: I think every garment he’s wearing has been knitted. True fact: his glasses are knitted.
Actress: No wonder he looks confused…
Bishop: And is that lady wearing a poncho like Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western, or a throw rug like a crazy homeless person?
Actress: It’s FASHION, dahlink. Gosh, men…
Bishop: Of course. I’m liking it already.
Actress: I will wear it for you, and I’ll be sure to stand at all times with my pelvis awkwardly thrust forward, so it remains formfitting and sexy, just for you. *kisses*
Bishop: Oh, baby! That sounds so sexy; you could make anything look good. I’m turned on already.
Actress: Oh, good. Look, I’ll strike you a deal: I’ll wear the poncho, if you ask for a haircut like Mr Jerkin, next time you visit the hairdresser.
Bishop: You’re on.

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