Tag Archives: comic books

Comix Remix vol. VI

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Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

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Comix Remix vol. V

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Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

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Comix Remix vol. IV

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Bishop: Dr. Bobbs! I’m sure this comic is action packed and full of excitement, but why is the center shot him on the phone? That’s the least exciting picture to showcase his amazing adventures.
Actress: Paging Dr. Bobbs… Paging Dr Bobbs…. Life saver, lab genius, drug addict. Brilliant. Not to mention that right hook…
Bishop: It just looks like such explosive excitement. Kids should be warned in advance that Dr. Bobbs does’t represent most doctors. I mean, a big part of the job is filling out paperwork.
Actress: What? You mean you don’t become a doctor to raid your own medicine cabinet?
Bishop: Speaking of drug abuse, should we be concerned he’s a heroin addict?
Actress: Well, according to this comic book cover, it’s all part of a day’s work.
Bishop: Yes… shooting up is just part of doctorhood.
Actress: How else would he deal with the stress of bandaging elbows? I ask you…
Bishop: Almost as disturbing is the fact that he’s hitting a guy. Since when do doctors ever need to punch people?
Actress: And since when do heroin addicts become violent, unless their stash has run out? Not likely in his case…
Bishop: I don’t know. I get the feeling they’re related.
Bishop: Tell me something… was there a time when doctors affixed compact discs to their own foreheads using black electrical tape?
Actress: I was wondering the same thing…
Bishop: I’m not sure he knows it’s there. Someone should tell him.
Actress: Maybe we should write a letter.
Bishop: OR maybe whoever is on the other end of the phone is letting him know. The look on his face is dawning realization… “So THAT’S where my ‘Best of Pat Boone’ CD’s been!”
Actress: Hah. That’s what you get for taking too many drugs. Silly Dr. Bobbs.
Bishop: Haha. Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re out of your mind on smack.
Actress: You can see he’s mixing up his own stash in the bottom right corner. He’s in deep. I hope I don’t get Dr. Bobbs next time I visit Emergency.
Bishop: When was it that cars looked and sounded like that? I’m not a car buff, but I don’t recall a particular model that made noises like a monkey.
Actress: I believe that’s an ambulance, rushing Dr. Bobbs to where the elbows need bandaging. He’s very good at that, you know.
Bishop: That’s his area of expertise. He’s an Elbow Bandagologist.
Actress: *checks own elbows* Nope, I’m good. No Dr. Bobbs for me. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Especially as he seems to have just administered an overdose to one of his patients.
Bishop: I just now remembered where I’ve seen Dr. Bobbs! This is Thomas Dolby! The bottom middle picture, where he’s punching that guy, is from the “Blinded Me with Science” video!
Actress: Oh, good god… you’re right. Maybe that’s why he needs the injections, since he was blinded and all… He’s having trouble with that microscope.
Bishop: Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Dr. Bobbs
Actress: Trust him. Bloody Dr. Bobbs…

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Comix Remix vol. III

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Bishop: I love it when masked comic book ninjas conspire against their partners with the audience. Yes, it happens all the time.
Actress: Indeed. And I wouldn’t like to make Power Man MAD. Geez. He might… break something!
Bishop: He’s quite strong! And he hates low sales numbers. He’s quite the stickler for strong business performance.
Actress: Well, I think they did the right thing by stipulating that 60 cents is cheaper than a doctor’s bill. You’d get far more readers with that clever marketing ruse…
Bishop: These days, buying a car might be cheaper than a doctor’s bill.
Actress: Depends on which country you live in, I guess… ahem.
Bishop: Although, I don’t like the threatening tone. That’s not the best way to win over readers, I have to say. “Hey, punk, do you like trips to the doctor or don’t you?!?”
Bishop: It’s a bit off-putting, but on the other hand, you have to begrudgingly respect that kind of bravado. Even fictional characters were ballsier back in the 70’s.
Actress: I thought he was talking into a nifty wrist phone at first, but no…. He’s just yelling because he likes the sound of his own voice inside that echo chamber of a collar…
Bishop: Yes, Iron Fist has a collar that resembles those lamp shade things they make dogs wear so they don’t bite their stitches.
Actress: Yes! That’s exactly what it reminds me of. His mask looks a bit ill, too..
Bishop: Another sign of the times: open chest tunic, with wicked dragon tattoo on his chest.
Actress: Is that a dragon? It looks like a wilting tulip…
Bishop: Hey, don’t insult his dragon…
Bishop: Said the actress to the bishop!
Actress: Oh, brilliant call, my love… *kisses*
Bishop: Thank you, thank you *kisses*
Bishop: Go ahead and make fun of the name. Power Man and Iron Fist sounds TOO suggestively pornographic… you can’t ignore it.
Actress: Are you saying Power Man and Iron Fist is a sublimated gay comic?
Bishop: No, but that name MUST be mocked publicly. I mean, it’d be a crime not to.
Actress: I think it all sounds rather invasive and painful when I think of it that way….
Bishop: True… and now that you brought it up the wilted flower on his chest where a dragon should be, this comic becomes even more disturbing and awkward. We can just twist ANYTHING around, can’t we?
Actress: Isn’t that why you love me so? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: C’mere, you…

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Comix Remix vol. II

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Actress: Someone call child protective services!!!!!
Bishop: Oh, no! That guy IS child protective services!!
Actress: That’s it. I give up. There is no hope for humanity.
Bishop: I think he’s a hero because he’s protecting that truck from the imminent danger of that snot-nosed kid. Look at how hard he’s going to hit that punk! He’ll teach kids everywhere a thing or two about messing with poor helpless trucks.
Actress: Oh god… I think you’re right. I had it all wrong. Look how terrified the driver is! His grill was very nearly dented!
Bishop: I’m just impressed by the cop’s wind-up. That’s quite a punching arm, I have to say.
Actress: Being a girly girl and not knowing a thing about punching, even I’d have to agree… He’s teaching her good! Little scamp…
Bishop: I enjoy the fact that they boast the “Famous Funnies” moniker with such pride. You can bet when you’re buying a Famous Funnies publication, you’ve got your hands on a quality piece of literature.
Actress: Yes, because this publication looks hilarious! I can barely contain myself…
Bishop: Ha ha! What could be funnier than imminent death? I’m laughing already.
Actress: Wait, is that a… a horse in the passenger side of the truck? Or is it a bull? Oh, it’s nothing… my bad. It would have added to the sheer comedic genius, if it was…
Bishop: Yeah. Although now that you’ve mentioned it, it’s really freaking me out… I mean, what the hell? What IS it? It looks like a giant brown blob… oh, it’s weirding me the hell out.
Actress: I don’t know, but I’m glad this comic only costs 10 cents. Any more and I might be looking for holes in the “NEW” moniker…
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, I really balk at paying more than a dime for anything.
Actress: So THAT’S why the Ghost Monster never arrived… *pout*
Bishop:
Baby, dont worry… I promise we’ll get our new Ghost Monster… *kisses*
Bishop: I like the fact that the cover promises that the people in this comic were “chosen by this publication…” to be acclaimed. The people at Famous Funnies really like to toot their own horn. First they’re bragging about their brand name and now they’re deciding WHO is allowed to be considered a hero.
Actress: I think their motives are suspect.
Actress: I’m more interested you in that police uniform. Is it police? Do I sense a role playing theme in this blog? Either way, I’ll bet you can find it somewhere for a buck, and if so, Ghost Monster is history… *kisses*
Bishop: C’mere you…

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Comix Remix vol. I

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Bishop: Hey, it’s Superman! And what a gentleman!
Actress: Well, you’d think he’d been put in an awkward position, but not for Superman! Always the penultimate diplomat…
Bishop: That’s right. To begin with, he’s good at working his way out of a jam and secondly, he’s never partisan. If not being able to choose a wife isn’t the perfect example of not wanting to take sides, I don’t know what is.
Actress: And why are we always compelled to put a “!” after his name?
Bishop: His name must be shouted!
Bishop: What you don’t know about Superman is that he chooses EVERYTHING in his life like this. His religion, where he lives… he even chose to be a reporter through a coin toss. Heads, journalist… tails, nuclear physicist.
Actress: I love the way Lois says “But by rescuing us simultaneously, I’m still left guessing!”, like it’s a joy to be held in the same regard as an ex, and be the subject of a coin toss.
Bishop: Right! Women LOVE knowing they’re on perfectly equal footing with an ex from years and years ago. That’s why Superman’s such a great human being! Superman is saying “I could give a rat’s ass” and isn’t that the most romantic message of all?
Bishop: “Hey, Lois, I just want you to know that the lady who gave me a trim at Cost Cutters is JUST as good as you! Don’t worry, you’re no better or worse to me than she is. I’m going to play rock-paper-scissors to determine if I marry you or her…”
Actress: Oh yes… I love it when you say that to me, baby.. *swoon* Tell me again? Who can you toss me up against?
Bishop: My darling, rest assured that I’LL never treat you the way Superman is treating Lois… I would never enter you into a coin toss with anyone unless it’s somebody really special like the meter reader or that girl who I chased on the playground when I was 10.
Actress: Oh, phew. That’s a relief, honey. I knew you’d come through. I’ll never test your love for me again…
Actress: I have to say, just from this strip, I’ve lost all respect for Lois. She is a disgrace to the sisterhood.
Bishop: Yeah, Lois comes off as a bit of a feeb.
Actress: I swear Lois’ eyes in the final frame are about to turn into spirals. She is completely hypnotised by Superman’s (!) sheer charm, or is it his lycra?
Bishop: Ha ha. I think it’s his unerring devotion. Also, the lycra probably helps.
Actress: I’d think it would be a pretty raw deal being married to Superman (!). You’d be fairly low on his list of priorities, as is illustrated here… and that’s apart from the constant rescue missions, and nasty sweaty old lycra. I mean, Lois… Wake up, woman! Do you really want a man in tights??!!
Bishop: Ha ha… Yes, she needs to get her priorities straight.
Bishop: Question: Do you really need super-vision to see a coin? That seems to me to be a waste of a power.
Actress: Well, he’s far too polite to be using it to be peering through their underwear..
Bishop: And it’s good that he’s using his powers for altruistic things like marriage-determining coin tosses instead of peeking at their nakedness. Kudos to Superman.
Actress: Or, he’s an idiot. He should have chosen Lana.

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