Tag Archives: culture

Comix Remix vol. VI

98798.jpg

 

Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Comix Remix

Far-Out Flicks vol. VII

8411.jpg

 

Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Bishop: Mmmm…
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*

Leave a comment

Filed under Far-Out Flicks

Enfants Terribles vol. II

megaforce

Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

7 Comments

Filed under Ad Nauseam, Enfants Terribles

Ad Nauseam vol. VII

bl2.jpg

 

Actress: This is how my living room looked in the 60’s…. if I was alive in the 60’s.
Bishop: If we were to go back in time to the 60’s and become surrealist interior decorators, this would be our living room in the 60’s.
Actress: I was lying about this is how my living room looked, if it existed. This is horrible. What a mess. Although it has some pleasing elements…
Actress: You’re sweet to take my bait though, baby .. *wink*
Bishop: Hey, don’t mention it.
Bishop: My favorite part of this room is the door… it allows for speedy exit.
Actress: Door? There is a door? [peers closer]….
Bishop: Oh no… there’s no door? In that case, it’s not even a room… it’s a cell.
Actress: with big purple turds on the floor. I always wanted purple turds. They make me happy.
Bishop: Giant purple turds… they accentuate any room. I’d love to make fun of the objects in this room, but I have no idea what I’m looking at. Is this FURNITURE?
Actress: I think most of the decor, coloured orange, comes from my playroom, circa 1974… I was a bit behind the times…
Bishop: You’re right! I was just about to say that those plastic orange chairs remind me of the little baby table you have in your playroom. I picture myself sitting down at a table like that at the age of 4 and messing around with Play-Doh or action figures.
Actress: Yes! I used to like screwing the legs off the chairs.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop…
Bishop: Oh, you’re too good! *kisses* I love it when you make double entendres.
Actress
: *curtsies* Thank you, baby. I aim to please…
Bishop
: So… the question remains… WHO is to be using this room and for WHAT purpose? Any guesses? Any at all?
Actress: I think it’s the living room on a spaceship. I know that’s what they want us to think, but I think it’s for REAL. What other environment could be so utterly cold?
Actress: The plants are a nice touch, though..
Actress: As completely 60’s/70’s as they are…
Bishop: It is. This was created by a cold, inhuman, alien sentience. In other words, it’s probably Scandanavian.
Actress: Indeed. I think you may be entirely correct. However, I’m still trying to work out what’s going on to the righ of the “picture” window…
Bishop: I’m still trying to work out ANY of it… describe what you’re looking at. We probably won’t crack the case, but I’ll take a look.
Actress: I can’t get past the purple turds, but did ANYONE on earth actually have a living space that remotely resembled this? If so, I’ve been hanging out in the wrong crowds…
Bishop: No, this is not the picture of a livable room, this is the picture of an art student losing his mind.
Actress: With plenty of flat surfaces to draw lines of… things on. Right.
Bishop: Yes. Let’s not ponder too long. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.
Actress: I still want to sit on one of those turds. They look kinda comfy… Made for two, perhaps? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: I’ll join you then. Nothing’s more romantic than a giant, purple turd. Which sounds like the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. This is why I mustn’t work for Hallmark.
Actress: I think you’ll feel differently when we are sucked into that big purple hole….What I’m thinking about that is not fit for public consumption, I assure you…
Bishop: C’mere you…

9 Comments

Filed under Ad Nauseam

Ad Nauseam vol. VI

img.jpg

Actress: Is it completely ironic (or something) that I bought a bottle of Wella shampoo today?
Bishop: A bizarre coincidence. I’m sure you were influenced by ads just like this… I mean, how could you resist wanting hair like that?
Actress: Well, I didn’t want to say… but am really quite envious of his smooth lines and shine…
Bishop: The ad says at the bottom: “Be sure you get WELLA Balsam…” as a reminder not to buy their competitors brand. You have to laugh at the lack of subtlety there.
Actress
: Hes obviously not using it on his moustache…
Bishop: You’re right: his moustache is completely unkempt… he needs a Wella product for that mess… or just to get rid of it would be much better.
Actress
: That is not a moustache. It is a scraggly bush. It may make him quite popular with the ladies, however… ahem.
Actress: Not that I’d know…
Bishop: Are you in love with the Wella Balsam guy? I will fight him for your love, so help me God!
Actress: Honey, are you really up to it? So far we have the Spaghetti Monster, Satan… and who else? I only really want you, and I’m worried for your welfare and weaponry against such smooth tresses. Which shampoo are you using again?
Bishop: Generico brand generic shampoo-ish hair soap. Why? Is that a good one?
Actress: It’s not a good match against Wella. I call that you win, by default. Reason being that you are the most adorable man on the planet. There. No more fighting scraggly moustachioed dandies or sloppy spaghetti monsters.
Actress: You can never tell what might come up in the future, however…
Bishop: Ha! I win! I will take them ALL on! Ha ha ha!
Actress
: Funny how there are no products proclaiming balsam these days….
Bishop: Yes… there seems to be a dearth of balsam-based products on the market. I have a feeling they stopped using after it mutated some kids and turned them into little flipper-children… just like what happened with asbestos.
Actress: That’s it! I think you’re found the sole reason for male pattern baldness in middle aged men. Too much WELLA BALSAM. God. Do you think we should alert the authorities?
Bishop: I want to know what this guy looks like NOW… knowing the effects of Wella Balsam, he could be in a bad way…
Actress: That’s what I’m talking about….
Actress: He has NO HAIR.
Bishop: That’ll teach him for messing with balsam. That shit’ll kill you man!
Actress: Slosh it on in the shower, indeed.

4 Comments

Filed under Ad Nauseam

Ad Nauseam vol. V

486398138_fd79ea769a_o.jpg

Actress: Poor Mary’s been left in the moonlight because of her stinky breath. A condition she condemns in others! Judgmental cow…
Bishop: Judgmental and cold. The moonlight means NOTHING to her! She’s so unfeeling.
Actress: What about all those other poor bastards with bad breath? Serves her right, I reckon…
Bishop: Yeah, Mary’s getting off on the wrong foot with us from the outset. You need a character in your ad who’s less of a buzzkill. She’s a bit bitchy right off the bat.
Actress: They haven’t painted a pretty picture of her, that’s for sure. Why is it always women who have the hygeine problems in these ads?
Bishop: It’s the 50’s! Men are gross and manly! Only ladies need to look good! That’s their only aim, after all!
Actress: Yes, of course. We’re only here to cook, look good and wait on our man hand and foot. My bad…
Actress: Oh, and not have stinky breath…
Bishop: I think the statistic that 9 out of 10 people have bad breath seems to be a bit high. Was the problem really that severe back then? That’s like an ad that says “98% of people have explosive diarrhea!”
Actress
: I thought the same thing. I know I don’t wake up smelling like roses, but surely morning breath doesn’t count?
Bishop: Morning breath shouldn’t count.
Actress: Mary doesn’t have morning breath. You can’t have morning breath in the moonlight, Mary… Hey, I’m digging the alliteration…
Bishop: Very nice.
Actress: Well, look at the toothpaste, sorry Dental Cream tube. I’m thinking the entire concept was quite new before then. What on earth did they use?? Like, they have to CONVINCE us to use toothpaste… and not just Colgate..
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, toothpaste was brand new at the time. Before that, you had to rub pieces of coal on your teeth. That’s all we had and we liked it, dagnabbit!
Actress: The funny thing about this, is that even after Mary uses Colgate, her suitor still looks like he’s trying to avoid being anywhere near her open mouth..
Bishop: Yeah, they need a better “after” picture.
Bishop: “You too can avoid open-mouth kisses at all costs after using COLGATE!”
Actress: I’m thinking about switching brands…
Actress: Oh, one more thing. Does her bad breath have anything to do with the fact she’s wearing an empty plate on her head? What has she been eating?
Bishop: HA! She’s serving hors d’ouvres on her head. That’s connected to the bad breath somehow, I just know it.
Actress: I think Mary got a bit carried away with the ol’ cocktail onions and cheese on toothpicks. Just a hunch…

11 Comments

Filed under Ad Nauseam

Dance Fools Dance! vol. II

Actress: Humpy humpy, nyork nyork nyork…
Bishop: Blorgen florgen schmorgen blorgen…
Bishop: I’m glad for a dance instructional video taught by Vincent Price and my fourth grade English teacher.
Actress: Hey, Vince always had his groove on..
Bishop: These moves seem too simple. Aren’t they just shuffling their feet?
Actress: No, they’re wiping dog shit off their shoes…
Actress: His pants are rather fetching, don’t you think? Nicely fitting… oh here comes the music!
Bishop: Yes, the pants are the best. Ah, the music! Make it go away!
Actress: Oh, the people have come alive! I thought they were mannequins..
Bishop: Ha ha… They flood the dance floor simultaneously. It’s a bit odd.
Bishop: I like the word “Disco” at the bottom of the screen. That’s so you don’t forget what you’re watching.
Actress: She’s a bit of a goer, eh? Wiggle it, baby…. c’mon…
Bishop: Keep your eye on Vincent the whole time… you can’t tell me with a straight face that that’s DANCING…
Actress: He looks like he’s off for a round of golf.
Actress: A bit of nooky behind the tree on the 8th hole…
Bishop: Yes. I know what that movement is and it’s NOT disco dancing.
Actress: It is for middle aged Scandinavians. Bless their feather hats and lederhosen.
Bishop: I wonder if the “foot scoot” impresses anyone.
Actress: He’s very authoritative. I wish he was my dance teacher…There’s that wiggle…
Bishop: I don’t think he’s a very good dancer. See, his shit is under control and very well-defined when he’s explaining, but once the music starts, he begins acting like a spaz.
Actress: He’s a terrible dancer. Once the music starts he’s stumbling all over the place like a drunken bum.
Actress: Oh. My. God. WHAT IS THIS STEP???
Bishop: He’s doing the “Your Drunken Uncle at a Wedding Shuffle”. I love that dance!
Actress: That last 30 seconds gets me every time…
Bishop: It makes you wonder what didn’t make the edit… I think Vincent was getting progressively more shameful.
Bishop: Too bad it didn’t go on longer.
Actress: I second that. This video makes me happy.

10 Comments

Filed under Dance Fools Dance!