Tag Archives: family

Enfant Terribles vol. IV

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Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

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Plastique Fantastique vol. XI

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Bishop: Oh. my. god. I have NEVER EVER in my life seen anyone who was more ill-equipped to rock out than this guy.
Actress: I think his mother has been asking “where’s wally?” for some time, judging by his effusive greeting.
Bishop: If “effusive” means “bat shit crazy” I would have to agree.
Actress: Oh, he’s just happy.. Will you begruge Wally some happiness? Look, how could you when his tongue is hanging sideways from his mouth like that?
Bishop: Yeah, we’ll let him have a good time. I have to say, though, I can’t imagine this guy being terribly creative if that’s the best album title he can come up with.
Actress: Hah! I’d like to hear his version of “1913 Massacre”. Then again, “Don’t Send My Mother to Prison” could be a corker, and the answer to all our questions…
Bishop: Yes, there’s some skeletons in this guy’s closet, I think.
Bishop: Why isn’t he pictured playing the guitar, as is the norm for musicians? He looks like he’s dropping it and leaving it.
Actress: Wally by name, wally by nature…
Bishop: I think he wants to give his mom a big high-five. The high-five is not dead for Wally Whyton.
Actress: Well, wouldn’t you if your mother was going to prison? Err… hang on… that’s not what I meant…
Bishop: Wha’?
Actress: Nevermind. I’ll bet he does a wicked cover of “Greenback Dollar”. I dig that song.
Bishop: I wouldn’t trust him to cover “Hot Cross Buns”. Look at how awkwardly he’s holding that guitar.
Bishop: I’m beginning to think Wally isn’t really a musician at all! This is all too awkward and wrong. Just look at him! He’s more like some guy who wandered into someone else’s photo shoot.
Actress: It’s folk, baby. Folk musicians are a special breed all of their own. Skivvies and corduroy and all.
Bishop: I should have known… explains the 12-string.
Actress: Indeed. Will you wear a skivvy for me? Fawn coloured pants would be a bonus…
Bishop: Absolutely! Who could have guessed this of all album covers would have inspired romantic requests?
Actress: You’re so adventurous. I love you. *kisses*

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Ad Nauseam vol. IV

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Actress: How is it that I am the core demographic for this advertisement and I am completely confused?
Bishop: It does seem a bit disjointed in focus, doesn’t it? They’re talking about joining sports teams and then arguing with your family… FOCUS in, ad people!
Bishop: This is easily the most cluttered Kotex ad in history. Usually it’s just a girl running through a field and feeling “fresh”.
Actress: Or in a bikini…
Actress: Gosh. I think we should tackle it section by section; what do you think?
Bishop: Yes, we’ll take it section by section.
Actress: First, what the hell is “parlor” chatter? Even they put it in ” “…. and how does your soundtrack fail you in thus? What does it all mean???
Bishop: It’s bizarre… whoever wrote ad copy for this thing seriously has no grasp of youthy vernacular.
Actress: And how does a snow train make all the difference to your level of yakkety-yak confidence? This has nothing to do with sanitary protection at all, it seems…
Bisohp: No… if you covered up the Kotex logo, you would have no idea what this ad was even for.
Actress: Are we really supposed to tick the boxes? Do you think anyone ever actually did??
Bishop: That would be so pathetic. This ISN’T a real quiz, after all
Actress: Moving onto the next question, “…which style demands special grooming?”…
Bishop: “Hey, junior kiddos! Time to jump on the snow train and make with the yakkety-yak while giving your razzmatazz a real shot in the arm! Join a bowling team! Wear batwings! Do you like pleated skirts? Don’t blow your top!” These sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic person, not someone attempting to sell women’s hygiene products….
Actress: Hah! The batwings really bother me. Will you only love me if I wear batwings? I mean, I might perspire.. and you might tire… of me. *worried look*
Bishop: No batwings for my baby *kisses*. If you perspire, I will not tire.
Actress: I feel a sudden urge to finish this in Dr Seuss style rhyme… but we won’t go there…
Bishop: “I will not eat it with batwings.. I will not eat them wearing rings…”
Actress: …or a bra with built in shields. WHAT IS THAT?? Am I supposed to strap diapers sanitary napkins strapped under my armpits? That could explain the batwings..
Bishop: Are people not supposed to notice the diapers sanitary napkins sticking out from under your arms? Maybe the batwings would be necessary in that situation… go around looking like a flying squirrel.
Actress: Aw, squirrels are cute… but batwings send me flying right back to the 80’s and that’s not a good thing…
Bishop: Oh, I remember that
Actress: Isn’t it quaint how they refer to “calendar time”? I’ve never heard that one before…
Bishop: It’s actually a surprisingly tasteful sobriquet.
Actress: Shall we move on? We’re getting lessons in how to straighten out a feud…
Bishop: Yes. And you want to be comfy before you start a fight in your own house.
Actress: Quite. So THAT’S where I’ve been going wrong all these years. If only I’d worn a diaper sanitary napkin during PMS, all my hormones would have behaved themselves! *slaps forehead*
Bishop: Yes! No arguments if you’re wearing your trusty Kotex.
Actress: But is she wearing her batwings? I think not…
Bishop: You’ve gotta have those life-saving batwings!
Actress: Think of me at Christmas, darling. Add batwings to the list… They can only benefit both of us…
Bishop: You got it. Ironically, this ad has turned us more on to batwings than it has to any Kotex-produced product.
Actress: Yes, and I take umbrage at the suggestion to “Try the weeping technique”, when trying to gain forgiveness for a feud I started because I wasn’t wearing my Kotex. It makes the entire sisterhood sound like a bunch of manipulative hussies.
Bishop: Oh, 1950’s! Was there anyone you DIDN’T condescend to?!

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Plastique Fantastique vol. VIII

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Actress: I feel like there is some strange symmetry to this, but it’s not pleasant… I feel dizzy… baby, help….
Bishop: Are you OK? Has another horrible album cover made you ill again?
Actress: I feel like I’m in a room of mirrors or some other disconcerting exhibit at the fair… Why are those women leaning like that? Can you make them stop?
Bishop: Yeah, this is nausea inducing.. for several reasons.
Bishop: Are they tilting like that on purpose?
Actress: I’m trying to ignore it, but it is quite seriously making me nauseous. Let’s focus on the men for a moment….
Bishop: Creepy, Awkward, and Icky…. I give them dwarf names for easy reference.
Actress: Brilliant. Shall we name our non-ever-existent children thus?
Bishop: I hope not. Child services will have us for sure.
Actress: Even if we DON’T have children. They’ll be after us…
Bishop: Even hypothetical children are protected.
Bishop: What kingdom are they seeking?
Actress: The Kingdom of Appalling Dress Sense.
Bishop: I think they’ve found that particular kingdom already.
Actress: I say, the title of the album is a crying shame, isn’t it?
Bishop: I’m sure the listeners would prefer if if the title was “We’ll Be Going”… ZING!
Actress: You see, the frock on the left wouldn’t be so bad, if I was wearing it .. *whistles* It has a certain charm. Miss tilty-bad-specs on the right, not so much…
Bishop: You would look great it in. A redundancy since you look great in everything….
Actress: Oh, you flatter me, my love…
Actress: But seriously… these people FAIL the Christian album test, because they are clearly standing in a park, and NOT in the middle of a forest. Hasn’t anyone told them that you must be posed up to your neck in tree trunks for this kind of thing?
Bishop: You took the words right out of my mouth. They’re obviously aping the standard Christian album template. Sure, they’ve chosen a park instead of the sylvan wood, but let’s see what they DID do right… I’ll rattle off the checklist…
Bishop: Boring band name that very obviously displays Christianity? Check. Album title that is bland and inoffensive? Check.
Bishop: Horribly square musicians who look like they’d be laughed at for being too dorky at a polka concert? Check. Trees somewhere in the shot? Check.
Bishop: And most importantly of all: matching clothes! The absolute most essential ingredient is ugly, offensive clothes that are identical.
Actress: Nasty frocks and very, very bad suits? Check. Extra points for matching gear. Also, we have a very nice sample of “high hair” and some exemplary examples in the male contingent of hair combed over within an inch of its life.
Actress: I take it back. They pass.
Bishop: Yes! Exactly! Men with combed hair and women with pinned up hair. That’s how it’s got to be. You’re right my love, exactly right.
Actress: Now, if only they would be gone…

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Plastique Fantastique vol. VII

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Bishop: Is that… Nellie Olesen?
Actress: Oh, my…..
Bishop: On the left! It’s her!
Actress: She has that smug, self satisfied expression… Nice hairclips, girls. Kudos to you.
Bishop: Those hairclips are pretty obvious, aren’t they?
Bishop: Why are they dressed alike? Their parents put them up to this. No way in hell this was their idea.
Actress: I’m wondering how long those dresses are. If they were short, they’d be cute, but if they are, as I suspect, floor length, we have a dressmaker in the family…
Bishop: I agree… I’m suspecting floor length dresses. Super conservative.
Actress: Oh, but they have confidence.
Bishop: Yes, but only one of them has confidence. Otherwise the title would have been “We’ve Got Confidence”
Actress: Oh! You are so right. And we can see which one it is…
Bishop: Which one is it?
Actress: It’s Miss Nelly…
Bishop: Of course!
Actress: Then again, her sister looks like she could be the town bike, given half a chance… I think she has a secret life.
Bishop: Yeah… there’s something about her.
Actress: Miss Nelly has a cheekier look about her, but it’s a look that could easily swing towards the spinster from hell… I picture her as the crazy 60 year old unmarried woman with 15 cats.
Actress: Far out, the elder sister’s hair looks disturbingly like mine in the morning. I need a haircut. Or maybe I can borrow her hairclips…
Bishop: I’ll recommend no hairclips. How about you leave it like it is and just jump in bed with me?
Actress: Well, that’s another option. Far more tempting. Let me call my hairdresser to cancel first…
Actress: I like how they’ve tried to be really hip with the lettering (of course it wasn’t called “font” in those days, ahem). It matches their outfits and everything…
Bishop: Ha!
Actress: Now, somebody said it… “I’ve Got Confidence”. WHO said it? I think Mommy Dearest said it, that’s who… NOW REPEAT AFTER ME…
Bishop: The Stepford Babies have to learn their lines somehow.
Actress: Seriously, WHO dresses like their sibling at that age? It’s one thing for toddler twins…
Bishop: Again, I can sense from here they have a demented mother. I just KNOW it.
Actress: I also am so very intrigued, yet again, as to how so many of the covers of these Christian albums have people standing awkwardly in forests?
Bishop: That is, apparently, THE hot spot for communing with Jesus.
Actress: Yes, and I’ll bet they sound like a poor man’s version of the Moir Sisters…. and that’s saying something…
Bishop: Maybe it’s like a wi-fi internet connection… you’re more in-tune with Jesus if you go to certain hot spots, most of which involve standing in front a very placid and calm lake or forest.
Actress: Hah! Baby… You’ve cracked the nut, yet again…
Bishop: The Moir Sisters? More like the Lesse Sisters! ZING!
Bishop: Why are they leaning on a piece of wood? Was this taken at a lumber yard?
Actress: It’s padded. At least they’re well looked after, bless.
Bishop: We wouldn’t want the little musicians to get splinters
Actress: No, not when we’re listening in stereo….

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Ad Nauseam vol. III

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Bishop: Honey, we just ran out of 7 foot tall dancing monster ghosts. Do you know where we can pick up another 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost for only a buck or so? Wait! What have we here?!
Actress: And for only 35c postage and handling! He’s a bargain at half the price. Can we, baby? Can we, please??
Bishop: Yes, we can! Best of all, he obeys our commands. Don’t you hate it when you buy a 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost and he thinks he knows everything and gets all lippy? I want one that doesn’t sass back when I command it.
Actress: Yes! I can even do my monster-mash-wiggly-hand dance and he won’t laugh at me. Oh, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, honey…
Bishop: We’ll all dance together! Oh, it’ll be so great. I mean, when it says he obeys your commands, I’m guessing you can make him get up and get you a sandwich and stuff, right? He’d almost be like a butler.
Actress: Oh, I’m so excited. He’d be like a Super Monster-Ghost Butler, jumping, darting and rising all over the place. There’d better not be too much floating, though. He has to earn his keep, for all we paid for him..
Bishop: That’s a good point. He’s got to get to it… I’d hate think we wasted that buck.
Actress: Me too. At least we’d have Mr Peeping Skeleton Hands as a back up…
Actress: He sounds a bit dirty…
Bishop: Yeah, I don’t like the fact that he’s a peeper. That should creep anyone out.
Actress: Crawling up your shirt, and all… I don’t think I like him. Can we get a glow-in-the-dark skull money box instead?
Bishop: True. He sounds less than “truly amazing”. As for the glow-in-the-dark skull money box, we’ll have to see if the fine people at Melton Co. can make an exception. They’re reputable, right?
Actress: Yes, of course they are. All we have to do is write to them, and send a stamped, self-addressed envelope… I’m sure they’ll come through. I have faith. Call me optimistic.
Bishop: With 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost on our side, we can’t lose.

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Enfants Terribles vol. I

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Actress: Is that child CRYING??
Bishop: You’d think they’d find a more flattering shot than that.
Actress: Well, obviously they couldn’t afford to waste any shots on facial expressions… just look at the costumes!
Bishop: This takes “low budget” to a whole new level
Actress: Ok, ok, I know it’s children’s craft, but I never would have stood for that when I was a kid. Those children must be scarred to this very day.
Bishop: It’s basically the equivalent of dressing them up in potato sacks. And you’re damn right they’re scarred… 30 years on, and they openly burst into tears whenever the clerk at the grocery store asks “paper or plastic?”
Actress: Shoddy and poor, their parents and the publishers of this book ought to be ashamed.
Bishop: Yes, they ought to be.
Actress: Just look at the poor little mite. And what small boy wants to be a panda? I ask you… No wonder he’s crying…
Bishop: He doesn’t really look like a panda as much as a guy with a panda growing out of his stomach. Which I find disturbing. Not only are these costumes cheap and pretty crappy, they’re highly ambiguous. Tell me what the kid on the left is supposed to be….
Actress: That was my next question! WHAT is that? At first I was thinking, court jester… but there’s no sign of a hat, or tights…
Bishop: No, none. I thought maybe it was supposed to be a layer of feathering and the lad was going as a bird of some type… is he an owl?
Actress: Oh, a BIRD. Of course…I can totally see that. Ahem.
Bishop: A bird… maybe. I’m not too sure on that one. I think maybe he’s dressed as a stack of poorly-cut construction paper.
Actress: I was going to remark on the mad paper cutting skillz….
Bishop: Crazy, innit? Maybe it’s some sort of avant-garde fashion that’s just emerged from Paris. The only reason I’m laughing is because I don’t GET IT.
Actress: Me neither, honey….
Actress: All I can say is that don’t their parents know that you make kiddie costumes out of cardboard, crepe paper and ratty old clothes? Take this, for example:

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Actress: And yes, that is me…. Laugh, go on!
Bishop: Aw, you’re too cute to laugh at. I do have to wonder what’s going on, though?
Actress: Well, this would be my point. I am accepting 2nd prize in a fancy dress competition aboard a cruise ship, aged 4. And what did it for me? Ratty old clothes, cardboard and crepe paper…
Actress: I still have that little red octopus, by the way…
Bishop: The red octopus given to you by a guy who’s dressed like Captain Stubing? That’s one to hang onto.
Actress: That kind of explains my facial expression. Even at that age, the guy scared the bejesus out of me…

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