Bishop: Oh. my. god. I have NEVER EVER in my life seen anyone who was more ill-equipped to rock out than this guy.
Actress: I think his mother has been asking “where’s wally?” for some time, judging by his effusive greeting.
Bishop: If “effusive” means “bat shit crazy” I would have to agree.
Actress: Oh, he’s just happy.. Will you begruge Wally some happiness? Look, how could you when his tongue is hanging sideways from his mouth like that?
Bishop: Yeah, we’ll let him have a good time. I have to say, though, I can’t imagine this guy being terribly creative if that’s the best album title he can come up with.
Actress: Hah! I’d like to hear his version of “1913 Massacre”. Then again, “Don’t Send My Mother to Prison” could be a corker, and the answer to all our questions…
Bishop: Yes, there’s some skeletons in this guy’s closet, I think.
Bishop: Why isn’t he pictured playing the guitar, as is the norm for musicians? He looks like he’s dropping it and leaving it.
Actress: Wally by name, wally by nature…
Bishop: I think he wants to give his mom a big high-five. The high-five is not dead for Wally Whyton.
Actress: Well, wouldn’t you if your mother was going to prison? Err… hang on… that’s not what I meant…
Actress: Nevermind. I’ll bet he does a wicked cover of “Greenback Dollar”. I dig that song.
Bishop: I wouldn’t trust him to cover “Hot Cross Buns”. Look at how awkwardly he’s holding that guitar.
Bishop: I’m beginning to think Wally isn’t really a musician at all! This is all too awkward and wrong. Just look at him! He’s more like some guy who wandered into someone else’s photo shoot.
Actress: It’s folk, baby. Folk musicians are a special breed all of their own. Skivvies and corduroy and all.
Bishop: I should have known… explains the 12-string.
Actress: Indeed. Will you wear a skivvy for me? Fawn coloured pants would be a bonus…
Bishop: Absolutely! Who could have guessed this of all album covers would have inspired romantic requests?
Actress: You’re so adventurous. I love you. *kisses*
Actress: I feel like there is some strange symmetry to this, but it’s not pleasant… I feel dizzy… baby, help….
Bishop: Are you OK? Has another horrible album cover made you ill again?
Actress: I feel like I’m in a room of mirrors or some other disconcerting exhibit at the fair… Why are those women leaning like that? Can you make them stop?
Bishop: Yeah, this is nausea inducing.. for several reasons.
Bishop: Are they tilting like that on purpose?
Actress: I’m trying to ignore it, but it is quite seriously making me nauseous. Let’s focus on the men for a moment….
Bishop: Creepy, Awkward, and Icky…. I give them dwarf names for easy reference.
Actress: Brilliant. Shall we name our non-ever-existent children thus?
Bishop: I hope not. Child services will have us for sure.
Actress: Even if we DON’T have children. They’ll be after us…
Bishop: Even hypothetical children are protected.
Bishop: What kingdom are they seeking?
Actress: The Kingdom of Appalling Dress Sense.
Bishop: I think they’ve found that particular kingdom already.
Actress: I say, the title of the album is a crying shame, isn’t it?
Bishop: I’m sure the listeners would prefer if if the title was “We’ll Be Going”… ZING!
Actress: You see, the frock on the left wouldn’t be so bad, if I was wearing it .. *whistles* It has a certain charm. Miss tilty-bad-specs on the right, not so much…
Bishop: You would look great it in. A redundancy since you look great in everything….
Actress: Oh, you flatter me, my love…
Actress: But seriously… these people FAIL the Christian album test, because they are clearly standing in a park, and NOT in the middle of a forest. Hasn’t anyone told them that you must be posed up to your neck in tree trunks for this kind of thing?
Bishop: You took the words right out of my mouth. They’re obviously aping the standard Christian album template. Sure, they’ve chosen a park instead of the sylvan wood, but let’s see what they DID do right… I’ll rattle off the checklist…
Bishop: Boring band name that very obviously displays Christianity? Check. Album title that is bland and inoffensive? Check.
Bishop: Horribly square musicians who look like they’d be laughed at for being too dorky at a polka concert? Check. Trees somewhere in the shot? Check.
Bishop: And most importantly of all: matching clothes! The absolute most essential ingredient is ugly, offensive clothes that are identical.
Actress: Nasty frocks and very, very bad suits? Check. Extra points for matching gear. Also, we have a very nice sample of “high hair” and some exemplary examples in the male contingent of hair combed over within an inch of its life.
Actress: I take it back. They pass.
Bishop: Yes! Exactly! Men with combed hair and women with pinned up hair. That’s how it’s got to be. You’re right my love, exactly right.
Actress: Now, if only they would be gone…
Bishop: Is that… Nellie Olesen?
Actress: Oh, my…..
Bishop: On the left! It’s her!
Actress: She has that smug, self satisfied expression… Nice hairclips, girls. Kudos to you.
Bishop: Those hairclips are pretty obvious, aren’t they?
Bishop: Why are they dressed alike? Their parents put them up to this. No way in hell this was their idea.
Actress: I’m wondering how long those dresses are. If they were short, they’d be cute, but if they are, as I suspect, floor length, we have a dressmaker in the family…
Bishop: I agree… I’m suspecting floor length dresses. Super conservative.
Actress: Oh, but they have confidence.
Bishop: Yes, but only one of them has confidence. Otherwise the title would have been “We’ve Got Confidence”
Actress: Oh! You are so right. And we can see which one it is…
Bishop: Which one is it?
Actress: It’s Miss Nelly…
Bishop: Of course!
Actress: Then again, her sister looks like she could be the town bike, given half a chance… I think she has a secret life.
Bishop: Yeah… there’s something about her.
Actress: Miss Nelly has a cheekier look about her, but it’s a look that could easily swing towards the spinster from hell… I picture her as the crazy 60 year old unmarried woman with 15 cats.
Actress: Far out, the elder sister’s hair looks disturbingly like mine in the morning. I need a haircut. Or maybe I can borrow her hairclips…
Bishop: I’ll recommend no hairclips. How about you leave it like it is and just jump in bed with me?
Actress: Well, that’s another option. Far more tempting. Let me call my hairdresser to cancel first…
Actress: I like how they’ve tried to be really hip with the lettering (of course it wasn’t called “font” in those days, ahem). It matches their outfits and everything…
Actress: Now, somebody said it… “I’ve Got Confidence”. WHO said it? I think Mommy Dearest said it, that’s who… NOW REPEAT AFTER ME…
Bishop: The Stepford Babies have to learn their lines somehow.
Actress: Seriously, WHO dresses like their sibling at that age? It’s one thing for toddler twins…
Bishop: Again, I can sense from here they have a demented mother. I just KNOW it.
Actress: I also am so very intrigued, yet again, as to how so many of the covers of these Christian albums have people standing awkwardly in forests?
Bishop: That is, apparently, THE hot spot for communing with Jesus.
Actress: Yes, and I’ll bet they sound like a poor man’s version of the Moir Sisters…. and that’s saying something…
Bishop: Maybe it’s like a wi-fi internet connection… you’re more in-tune with Jesus if you go to certain hot spots, most of which involve standing in front a very placid and calm lake or forest.
Actress: Hah! Baby… You’ve cracked the nut, yet again…
Bishop: The Moir Sisters? More like the Lesse Sisters! ZING!
Bishop: Why are they leaning on a piece of wood? Was this taken at a lumber yard?
Actress: It’s padded. At least they’re well looked after, bless.
Bishop: We wouldn’t want the little musicians to get splinters
Actress: No, not when we’re listening in stereo….
Actress: Is that child CRYING??
Bishop: You’d think they’d find a more flattering shot than that.
Actress: Well, obviously they couldn’t afford to waste any shots on facial expressions… just look at the costumes!
Bishop: This takes “low budget” to a whole new level
Actress: Ok, ok, I know it’s children’s craft, but I never would have stood for that when I was a kid. Those children must be scarred to this very day.
Bishop: It’s basically the equivalent of dressing them up in potato sacks. And you’re damn right they’re scarred… 30 years on, and they openly burst into tears whenever the clerk at the grocery store asks “paper or plastic?”
Actress: Shoddy and poor, their parents and the publishers of this book ought to be ashamed.
Bishop: Yes, they ought to be.
Actress: Just look at the poor little mite. And what small boy wants to be a panda? I ask you… No wonder he’s crying…
Bishop: He doesn’t really look like a panda as much as a guy with a panda growing out of his stomach. Which I find disturbing. Not only are these costumes cheap and pretty crappy, they’re highly ambiguous. Tell me what the kid on the left is supposed to be….
Actress: That was my next question! WHAT is that? At first I was thinking, court jester… but there’s no sign of a hat, or tights…
Bishop: No, none. I thought maybe it was supposed to be a layer of feathering and the lad was going as a bird of some type… is he an owl?
Actress: Oh, a BIRD. Of course…I can totally see that. Ahem.
Bishop: A bird… maybe. I’m not too sure on that one. I think maybe he’s dressed as a stack of poorly-cut construction paper.
Actress: I was going to remark on the mad paper cutting skillz….
Bishop: Crazy, innit? Maybe it’s some sort of avant-garde fashion that’s just emerged from Paris. The only reason I’m laughing is because I don’t GET IT.
Actress: Me neither, honey….
Actress: All I can say is that don’t their parents know that you make kiddie costumes out of cardboard, crepe paper and ratty old clothes? Take this, for example:
Actress: And yes, that is me…. Laugh, go on!
Bishop: Aw, you’re too cute to laugh at. I do have to wonder what’s going on, though?
Actress: Well, this would be my point. I am accepting 2nd prize in a fancy dress competition aboard a cruise ship, aged 4. And what did it for me? Ratty old clothes, cardboard and crepe paper…
Actress: I still have that little red octopus, by the way…
Bishop: The red octopus given to you by a guy who’s dressed like Captain Stubing? That’s one to hang onto.
Actress: That kind of explains my facial expression. Even at that age, the guy scared the bejesus out of me…