Tag Archives: fun

Plastique Fantastique vol. XIX

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Bishop: This is a brilliant concept. I think they should make an ongoing tv series out of this.
Actress: You could be onto something there. I ayam filled with the POWER!!!
Bishop:
He fights against the powers of Satan… using karate!!
Actress: Busting through concrete has to be handy as a preacher, you have to admit.
Bishop: It’s a skill ALL preachers should learn! Although he doesn’t seem to be having a good time of it. Most karate experts make it look so easy. I actually think he broke something.
Actress: His pinky looks a bit wonky….
Bishop: Yeah, he’s not doing too well. Upon first glance, I mistakingly thought he had smashed a stack of Bibles. I guess that doesn’t make much sense, does it?
Actress: Hmm.. no, not a lot of sense. Although in my experience…
Actress:
Something tells me he’s not actually Asian.
Bishop: “Crain” isn’t Asian? Next you’ll tell me that “MacGregor” isn’t Kenyan.
Actress: I swear he’s made up to look Asian. I mean, he could be half cast, but…..
Bishop: Yeah, he’s trying his damndest. Talk about playing to stereotype. Jesus, they even have the subtitle set in “Chinese” font style.
Actress: Because God would WANT you to bust through 6 blocks of concrete. I can see that prayer paying off in front of my very eyes.
Bishop: Right. It’s God’s will that you smash concrete blocks. Obviously.
Bishop: I have to say: God’s power doesn’t look so impressive. I mean, you’d think he’d be a little more confident in his block-smashing if he were really charged with the power of God. That pained expression on his face communicates to me that he was rushed to the emergency room as soon as this picture was snapped.
Actress: Not forgetting the wonky finger for a second, I do have to wonder what is on this record? Obvoiusly Mike Crain speaking of God’s power, but by the looks of this cover, I’m not entirely sure he’s someone I’d be taking seriously…. but then again, he does have that Beatlesque haircut….
Bishop: He could be performing on the Ed Sullivan Show with that hairdo.
Bishop: I’m still trying to determine the connection between martial arts and preaching. Does one help the other? We may never know.
Actress: Conflicting philosophies, I would have thought, but you can never know…
Bishop:
The truth is that these blocks are fake and pre-broken. I just refuse to allow that this guy is a black belt. It can’t be.
Actress:
I want to see Mike in action. Can we visit his church? Pretty please? I just want to see him break the blocks in person. Mike has the charisma of a rock star to me now. I’m attracted to him.
Bishop: If we went to his church and he didn’t break blocks, it would be the most disappointing thing ever. And please don’t make me fight Mike Crain for your love. I will embarrass this guy so thoroughly, it will be shameful.
Actress: After your dessimation of Satan, the Spaghetti Monster and all the rest, I wouldn’t dare. You don’t need violence to have my victory, my love….
Bishop: C’mere, you… *kisses*

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Enfant Terribles vol.V

 

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Actress: I was a deprived child. Why didn’t I have an ugly plastic wig? WHYYY??!!! I need to talk to my therapist about this…
Bishop: Any kid would love those wigs. They look so LIFELIKE.
Actress: Eric Bana used to wear one of those wigs when he was a sketch comedian impersonating Australian media personality/journalist Ray Martin. It looked disturbingly like the one in the middle, except black. Eric Bana must have a small head.
Bishop: It claims to fit all head sizes, but I’m not so sure about that. We’ll get Philip Seymour Hoffman (the man with the world’s largest head) in there to test that claim.
Actress: Good idea. Stay tuned folks…
Bishop: I’m glad they’re soft. Not only do they look EXACTLY like real hair, but they have the same texture. Wow, what a simulation.
Actress: I wish I had one now. Perfect for those bad hair days…
Actress: I’m particularly taken with the blonde wig on the right. I know if I was to choose a blonde wig, that would be the hairstyle I would be after…
Bishop: Definitely. It’s like a little hair plateau that sits on your head. How stylish.
Actress: You could serve food off that wig. Send little Sally with the blonde wig around at parties with hors d’oeuvres.
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, I think that’s what it was designed for.
Bishop: The important thing is that it’s SAFE. Because if your kid was somehow injured with her own plastic wig, it would be five times as sad as if they were merely injured.
Actress: Yes, because if you were standing under say, a falling tree branch, or piano for instance, you would be well protected.
Bishop: Exactly! If your kids don’t want to wear a helmet during playtime, trick them into wearing a helmet by painting hair on it.
Actress: I’m feeling crafty and inspired. I think I’m going to dig out my cycle helmet and delicately paint fetching “redhead” strokes on it with my acrylics. Yes. Yes I am.
Bishop: And everyone will just think your hair looks a bit different.
Actress: As I said, perfect for those bad hair days…

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Comix Remix vol. VI

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Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

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Ad Nauseam vol. XI

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Bishop: Wow… am I seeing things or do these people live with a horse in the kitchen?
Actress: No, you’re not wrong. I thought stable doors indoors were a relic from the 19th century.
Bishop: “Clean up after yourself! Were you raised in a barn?!?”
Actress: That horse could take off at any moment and gallop through the house, spilling organic vegetables and marking that lovely green paint with his poo and hoof marks at any moment. My mother would have a fit.
Bishop: Speaking of poo… how do they put up with the smell? It’s in their kitchen ferchrissake.
Actress: One must wonder a lot of things about this arrangement…
Bishop: You know what makes me sad? That guy’s paying more attention to the horse than his wife. That’s not right and I don’t care how rural you are.
Actress: You have to take into account that the lady of the house, either has a nasty foot disease, or lives in an imaginary world where she walks around on tippy toe…
Bishop: Yeah, that doesn’t look comfortable.
Actress: I think he and the horse have a “special” relationship. They look close.
Bishop: Eek. I must wash my mind clean of those thoughts.
Actress: Who keeps bales of hay inside their house? I mean, it is a house… not a barn… clearly. Why else would it be featured as a fashionable 1974 interior?
Bishop: I don’t know… I mean how can Europeans look down their snoots at Americans when they’re living like this? For shame. NOW who’re the hillbillies?
Actress: Well, I don’t know about hillbillies…. Her hair is way too shiny.
Bishop: I feel sorry for anyone living in this house. It reminds me of the Great Depression, for some reason. Just horrible.
Actress: Yeah, I can see that. But what I see more, is a couple of barefoot, champagne bo-ho’s with an oppressive green ceiling.
Bishop: That ceiling is the greenest green that ever greened. You have to give them credit for that, at least
Actress: It was the 70’s after all… Ah, I remember that green well. I’m sure at least a couple of our readers can even name the shade…
Bishop: Well, it’s downright purdy, at any rate.
Actress: Yes… and well swept. The amount of hay debris that must be tramped through that kitchen…

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Comix Remix vol. V

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Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

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Far-Out Flicks vol. VII

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Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Bishop: Mmmm…
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*

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Ad Nauseam vol. X

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Actress: Mad Mixers? Mad Hatter more like it. What the hell do you call that?
Bishop: Yeah, either Lipstick Girl has turned into a human lamp or that’s a really crappy hat.
Actress: Oddly enough, I have a sneaking suspicion it would win a prize at the Spring Racing Carnival.
Bishop: I like to imagine that she’s an 11 foot tall giantess and has her head stuck in a chandelier.
Actress: And a rather fetching lampshade it is. I’ve been looking for a lampshade just like it for ages… Bitch! Stole my bloody lampshade….
Bishop: But you weren’t planning on using it as headwear, though? Right?
Actress: Right, indeed. Nor was I planning on wearing Christmas baubles for earrings. I think she had an accident decorating the tree in the living room…
Bishop: Ha ha. You can’t see it, but she also has a giant star sitting on her head. It’s under the lampshade. The entire tree exploded.
Actress: That explains her facial expression…
Bishop: Women of a bygone era must have had sturdier earlobes. Look at how she can wear those shot-puts from her ears without any apparent pain…
Actress: On closer inspection, they look like clip-on earrings. My god. Speaking as a woman, there is nothing quite as painful as those clip-on’s that screw into your ear. I’m impressed. She’s one tough lady.
Bishop: Her ears are tough, anyway.
Bishop: I like the label this ad carries… It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Mixer (not world)
Actress: It must have been quite the turn of phrase in the day. If only Cover Girl still made ads like these. Not that you even notice the colour of her lips…
Bishop: The ad copy suggests insanity… in fact, so does the entire ad.
Actress: I like “they’re madly beautiful”. If only someone would tell me I’m madly beautiful.. (hint, hint)
Bishop: Aw, baby… you are madly, madly beautiful. And I’m madly, madly in love with you.
Actress: *sigh* You just made my day, baby. As you are so wont to do… Do you think it would help if I wore some Mad, Mad Mixers though? Or perhaps a lampshade on my head? We can all do with a bit of enhancement.
Bishop: You’re perfect as you are. Lampshades or not.

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