Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…
Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?
Bishop: Dr. Bobbs! I’m sure this comic is action packed and full of excitement, but why is the center shot him on the phone? That’s the least exciting picture to showcase his amazing adventures.
Actress: Paging Dr. Bobbs… Paging Dr Bobbs…. Life saver, lab genius, drug addict. Brilliant. Not to mention that right hook…
Bishop: It just looks like such explosive excitement. Kids should be warned in advance that Dr. Bobbs does’t represent most doctors. I mean, a big part of the job is filling out paperwork.
Actress: What? You mean you don’t become a doctor to raid your own medicine cabinet?
Bishop: Speaking of drug abuse, should we be concerned he’s a heroin addict?
Actress: Well, according to this comic book cover, it’s all part of a day’s work.
Bishop: Yes… shooting up is just part of doctorhood.
Actress: How else would he deal with the stress of bandaging elbows? I ask you…
Bishop: Almost as disturbing is the fact that he’s hitting a guy. Since when do doctors ever need to punch people?
Actress: And since when do heroin addicts become violent, unless their stash has run out? Not likely in his case…
Bishop: I don’t know. I get the feeling they’re related.
Bishop: Tell me something… was there a time when doctors affixed compact discs to their own foreheads using black electrical tape?
Actress: I was wondering the same thing…
Bishop: I’m not sure he knows it’s there. Someone should tell him.
Actress: Maybe we should write a letter.
Bishop: OR maybe whoever is on the other end of the phone is letting him know. The look on his face is dawning realization… “So THAT’S where my ‘Best of Pat Boone’ CD’s been!”
Actress: Hah. That’s what you get for taking too many drugs. Silly Dr. Bobbs.
Bishop: Haha. Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re out of your mind on smack.
Actress: You can see he’s mixing up his own stash in the bottom right corner. He’s in deep. I hope I don’t get Dr. Bobbs next time I visit Emergency.
Bishop: When was it that cars looked and sounded like that? I’m not a car buff, but I don’t recall a particular model that made noises like a monkey.
Actress: I believe that’s an ambulance, rushing Dr. Bobbs to where the elbows need bandaging. He’s very good at that, you know.
Bishop: That’s his area of expertise. He’s an Elbow Bandagologist.
Actress: *checks own elbows* Nope, I’m good. No Dr. Bobbs for me. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Especially as he seems to have just administered an overdose to one of his patients.
Bishop: I just now remembered where I’ve seen Dr. Bobbs! This is Thomas Dolby! The bottom middle picture, where he’s punching that guy, is from the “Blinded Me with Science” video!
Actress: Oh, good god… you’re right. Maybe that’s why he needs the injections, since he was blinded and all… He’s having trouble with that microscope.
Bishop: Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Dr. Bobbs
Actress: Trust him. Bloody Dr. Bobbs…
Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Bishop: I love it when masked comic book ninjas conspire against their partners with the audience. Yes, it happens all the time.
Actress: Indeed. And I wouldn’t like to make Power Man MAD. Geez. He might… break something!
Bishop: He’s quite strong! And he hates low sales numbers. He’s quite the stickler for strong business performance.
Actress: Well, I think they did the right thing by stipulating that 60 cents is cheaper than a doctor’s bill. You’d get far more readers with that clever marketing ruse…
Bishop: These days, buying a car might be cheaper than a doctor’s bill.
Actress: Depends on which country you live in, I guess… ahem.
Bishop: Although, I don’t like the threatening tone. That’s not the best way to win over readers, I have to say. “Hey, punk, do you like trips to the doctor or don’t you?!?”
Bishop: It’s a bit off-putting, but on the other hand, you have to begrudgingly respect that kind of bravado. Even fictional characters were ballsier back in the 70’s.
Actress: I thought he was talking into a nifty wrist phone at first, but no…. He’s just yelling because he likes the sound of his own voice inside that echo chamber of a collar…
Bishop: Yes, Iron Fist has a collar that resembles those lamp shade things they make dogs wear so they don’t bite their stitches.
Actress: Yes! That’s exactly what it reminds me of. His mask looks a bit ill, too..
Bishop: Another sign of the times: open chest tunic, with wicked dragon tattoo on his chest.
Actress: Is that a dragon? It looks like a wilting tulip…
Bishop: Hey, don’t insult his dragon…
Bishop: Said the actress to the bishop!
Actress: Oh, brilliant call, my love… *kisses*
Bishop: Thank you, thank you *kisses*
Bishop: Go ahead and make fun of the name. Power Man and Iron Fist sounds TOO suggestively pornographic… you can’t ignore it.
Actress: Are you saying Power Man and Iron Fist is a sublimated gay comic?
Bishop: No, but that name MUST be mocked publicly. I mean, it’d be a crime not to.
Actress: I think it all sounds rather invasive and painful when I think of it that way….
Bishop: True… and now that you brought it up the wilted flower on his chest where a dragon should be, this comic becomes even more disturbing and awkward. We can just twist ANYTHING around, can’t we?
Actress: Isn’t that why you love me so? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: C’mere, you…
Actress: Someone call child protective services!!!!!
Bishop: Oh, no! That guy IS child protective services!!
Actress: That’s it. I give up. There is no hope for humanity.
Bishop: I think he’s a hero because he’s protecting that truck from the imminent danger of that snot-nosed kid. Look at how hard he’s going to hit that punk! He’ll teach kids everywhere a thing or two about messing with poor helpless trucks.
Actress: Oh god… I think you’re right. I had it all wrong. Look how terrified the driver is! His grill was very nearly dented!
Bishop: I’m just impressed by the cop’s wind-up. That’s quite a punching arm, I have to say.
Actress: Being a girly girl and not knowing a thing about punching, even I’d have to agree… He’s teaching her good! Little scamp…
Bishop: I enjoy the fact that they boast the “Famous Funnies” moniker with such pride. You can bet when you’re buying a Famous Funnies publication, you’ve got your hands on a quality piece of literature.
Actress: Yes, because this publication looks hilarious! I can barely contain myself…
Bishop: Ha ha! What could be funnier than imminent death? I’m laughing already.
Actress: Wait, is that a… a horse in the passenger side of the truck? Or is it a bull? Oh, it’s nothing… my bad. It would have added to the sheer comedic genius, if it was…
Bishop: Yeah. Although now that you’ve mentioned it, it’s really freaking me out… I mean, what the hell? What IS it? It looks like a giant brown blob… oh, it’s weirding me the hell out.
Actress: I don’t know, but I’m glad this comic only costs 10 cents. Any more and I might be looking for holes in the “NEW” moniker…
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, I really balk at paying more than a dime for anything.
Actress: So THAT’S why the Ghost Monster never arrived… *pout*
Bishop: Baby, dont worry… I promise we’ll get our new Ghost Monster… *kisses*
Bishop: I like the fact that the cover promises that the people in this comic were “chosen by this publication…” to be acclaimed. The people at Famous Funnies really like to toot their own horn. First they’re bragging about their brand name and now they’re deciding WHO is allowed to be considered a hero.
Actress: I think their motives are suspect.
Actress: I’m more interested you in that police uniform. Is it police? Do I sense a role playing theme in this blog? Either way, I’ll bet you can find it somewhere for a buck, and if so, Ghost Monster is history… *kisses*
Bishop: C’mere you…
Bishop: Oh, good. Finally a machine with feelings! Most of my appliances are such jerks.
Actress: Of course a machine with feelings has to be female. A male machine couldn’t possibly…Unless he was a robot called Andrew in some crappy movie called Bicentennial Man.
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, if anything, movies need LESS machines with feelings.
Bishop: I’m still not sure if the machine to which they’re referring is HER or that thing on her back.
Actress: I think it’s the gun… It looks like one of those vintage vibrators from the early 20th century. Now that will give you “feelings”…
Bishop: Hey! That would make for a really good movie, indeed.
Actress: Well, you never know your luck with this one, starring none other than Playboy Playmate of the Year, Dorothy Stratten…
Bishop: This was the film that finally won her the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Dramatic Role
Actress: Oh, my god… it’s THE Dorothy Stratten! She was murdered, you know, and has become the subject of many a made-for-tv midday movie since…
Bishop: By the critics?
Actress: No, by her husband. She was only 20.
Bishop: Oh, great, now I have to feel slightly guilty laughing at her.
Actress: Yeah, that sucks.
Bishop: Let’s pretend it stars Farah Fawcett. EVERYONE laughs at her.
Actress: Yes! Farrah. Brilliant.
Actress: I’m just assuming that the feelings she has are emotional feelings and not physical feelings, because I think she’d be getting a bit of a chill in her kidneys in that outfit…
Bishop: That outfit’s a bit chilly for deep space, isn’t it? I think the feeling is “brrrrr”.
Actress: I wonder why she needs that battery pack thingy on her back? Maybe it would have made her boobies a bit misshapen if it was internal…
Bishop: Ha ha! Yes, it must be an external battery pack. She also comes with optional A/C adapter plug.
Actress: And an antenna.
Bishop: She gets good FM radio reception.
Actress: Oh, that’s excellent news. She can listen to some easy listenin’ soft rock while she’s blasting the crap out of aliens.
Bishop: I could be wrong on this, but I think advertisers always like the subject of a picture to be making eye contact with the audience. Galaxina looks very confused, lost, and surprised they made a movie out of her.
Actress: She does, you’re quite right.
Bishop: No wonder she’s surprised, though. Imagine seeing your own name appear in giant lettering above your head. That would weird anybody out.
Actress: I think that’s what she’s looking at…
Bishop: She’s probably wondering where that description came from. Nobody likes to be called a machine with feelings.
Actress: Especially with an exclamation point.
Bishop: I enjoy the use of the word “finally.” As if we’re sitting around counting the minutes. *Sigh* Have they created a machine with feelings YET?
Actress: And it’s been done already!
Bishop: Where? Are you counting Dick Cheney? Oh, wait… he NEVER had feelings!
Actress: Har har…You funny!
Bishop: Nyuk, nyuk.
Actress: Speaking of feelings, all this talk of battery packs and vibrators is making me a bit hot under the collar.
Bishop: Wow! Hey, not a bad way to end this column. That’s the first time a cheesy sci-fic poster inspired female arousal.
Actress: I may need counselling. If you volunteer, I promise I’ll wear my skimpy space-robotgirl-with-feelings costume…
Bishop: I’m there! Say no more!
Actress: [is silent]