Tag Archives: parenting

Plastique Fantastique vol. XVII

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Bishop: Obviously, “pussy” refers to a domesticated feline. I don’t get why you told me this photo would be racy. What’s wrong with that?
Actress: I agree completely. I love my pussies. Yes, I have more than one…. Aren’t I lucky?
Bishop: I heard that most women have only a single pussy.
Actress: Not me, baby. I have multiple pussies.
Bishop: Apparently, her cat is on loan from her father? Did he rent it to her?
Actress: Well, I hope he’s giving her a family discount, if that be the case. At least she’s giving him credit.
Bishop: Yes, the ownership of the pussy is not in question.
Actress: One would hope that Daddy is not in the room.
Bishop: I hope not.
Bishop: Look at the names on the side of the album cover. Those titles are more sophomoric and offensive than the album title proper (if that’s even possible)
Actress: Yes, I was going to get to those… A few of my favourites: “Sadie’s Still Got The Rag On”, “He Forgot His Rubbers”, “Things Are Soft For Grandma Since Grandpa’s Eighty-Four”, and of course, “Tony’s Got Hot Nuts”…
Bishop: Tony needs to see a doctor. Nut-related inflammation is no laughing matter.
Actress: You’re quite right. I’d want that seen to. I’m guessing and hoping that Tony isn’t Daddy or Grandpa…
Actress: So, how’s about them tits then, eh?
Bishop: I… um… the..tits… what? I was distracted. I was thinking about balancing my checkbook.
Bishop: Trust me, I don’t even notice tits that aren’t yours. Was this woman topless? I didn’t notice.
Actress: Good answer, baby. Nice pussy though….

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Enfant Terribles vol.V

 

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Actress: I was a deprived child. Why didn’t I have an ugly plastic wig? WHYYY??!!! I need to talk to my therapist about this…
Bishop: Any kid would love those wigs. They look so LIFELIKE.
Actress: Eric Bana used to wear one of those wigs when he was a sketch comedian impersonating Australian media personality/journalist Ray Martin. It looked disturbingly like the one in the middle, except black. Eric Bana must have a small head.
Bishop: It claims to fit all head sizes, but I’m not so sure about that. We’ll get Philip Seymour Hoffman (the man with the world’s largest head) in there to test that claim.
Actress: Good idea. Stay tuned folks…
Bishop: I’m glad they’re soft. Not only do they look EXACTLY like real hair, but they have the same texture. Wow, what a simulation.
Actress: I wish I had one now. Perfect for those bad hair days…
Actress: I’m particularly taken with the blonde wig on the right. I know if I was to choose a blonde wig, that would be the hairstyle I would be after…
Bishop: Definitely. It’s like a little hair plateau that sits on your head. How stylish.
Actress: You could serve food off that wig. Send little Sally with the blonde wig around at parties with hors d’oeuvres.
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, I think that’s what it was designed for.
Bishop: The important thing is that it’s SAFE. Because if your kid was somehow injured with her own plastic wig, it would be five times as sad as if they were merely injured.
Actress: Yes, because if you were standing under say, a falling tree branch, or piano for instance, you would be well protected.
Bishop: Exactly! If your kids don’t want to wear a helmet during playtime, trick them into wearing a helmet by painting hair on it.
Actress: I’m feeling crafty and inspired. I think I’m going to dig out my cycle helmet and delicately paint fetching “redhead” strokes on it with my acrylics. Yes. Yes I am.
Bishop: And everyone will just think your hair looks a bit different.
Actress: As I said, perfect for those bad hair days…

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Enfant Terribles vol. IV

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Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

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Enfant Terribles vol. III

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Actress: Should we be calling someone about this? Child Protective Services, perhaps?
Bishop: This is genuinely frightening. Should children be bound to the bed?
Actress: Well, you never know… They might come and axe murder you in the night. You can never be too careful.
Bishop: It’s best to keep them in place in that situation, I suppose. However, I can’t help but wonder how many innocent kids are put in a fire hazard because of this. It’s a sombering statistic.
Actress: Maybe the kid IS a fire hazard. Did you think of that? Huh? Huh?
Bishop: Good point.
Bishop: They’re really adamant about statistics, aren’t they? They just beat you over the head with those numbers. Holy crap…
Actress: I believe those are knitting instructions, o’ manly non-knitter of mine….
Bishop: Oh! I thought this was an overly pedantic ad… wow, is my face red. But now I know they’re instructions… for how to make your own baby-trap. Very nice.
Actress: Of course you’re forgiven for thinking so, my love. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d never laid eyes on anything resembling a knitting pattern. They even do my head in.
Bishop: I guess whoever is making this baby-trap has to be really dedicated. It’s not just a way of binding a child to a crib, it’s a work of art. How sweet.
Actress: I just wonder how comfortable it can be for that poor child to spend the night in a starfish pose. I don’t think they’ve thought this through…
Bishop: Yeah. God help you if you want to turn over.
Actress: Or… move. In any way.
Bishop: “Tie ’em in and keep ’em warm… and if they want to lie on their side, too bad!”
Actress: Hey, she still has use of her legs. It’s not all bad…
Bishop: This is depressing. I feel scarred.
Actress: So do I. I feel like I need regressive therapy after this, and it wasn’t even me.
Actress: Shall we move on?
Bishop: Yes, let’s.

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Enfants Terribles vol. I

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Actress: Is that child CRYING??
Bishop: You’d think they’d find a more flattering shot than that.
Actress: Well, obviously they couldn’t afford to waste any shots on facial expressions… just look at the costumes!
Bishop: This takes “low budget” to a whole new level
Actress: Ok, ok, I know it’s children’s craft, but I never would have stood for that when I was a kid. Those children must be scarred to this very day.
Bishop: It’s basically the equivalent of dressing them up in potato sacks. And you’re damn right they’re scarred… 30 years on, and they openly burst into tears whenever the clerk at the grocery store asks “paper or plastic?”
Actress: Shoddy and poor, their parents and the publishers of this book ought to be ashamed.
Bishop: Yes, they ought to be.
Actress: Just look at the poor little mite. And what small boy wants to be a panda? I ask you… No wonder he’s crying…
Bishop: He doesn’t really look like a panda as much as a guy with a panda growing out of his stomach. Which I find disturbing. Not only are these costumes cheap and pretty crappy, they’re highly ambiguous. Tell me what the kid on the left is supposed to be….
Actress: That was my next question! WHAT is that? At first I was thinking, court jester… but there’s no sign of a hat, or tights…
Bishop: No, none. I thought maybe it was supposed to be a layer of feathering and the lad was going as a bird of some type… is he an owl?
Actress: Oh, a BIRD. Of course…I can totally see that. Ahem.
Bishop: A bird… maybe. I’m not too sure on that one. I think maybe he’s dressed as a stack of poorly-cut construction paper.
Actress: I was going to remark on the mad paper cutting skillz….
Bishop: Crazy, innit? Maybe it’s some sort of avant-garde fashion that’s just emerged from Paris. The only reason I’m laughing is because I don’t GET IT.
Actress: Me neither, honey….
Actress: All I can say is that don’t their parents know that you make kiddie costumes out of cardboard, crepe paper and ratty old clothes? Take this, for example:

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Actress: And yes, that is me…. Laugh, go on!
Bishop: Aw, you’re too cute to laugh at. I do have to wonder what’s going on, though?
Actress: Well, this would be my point. I am accepting 2nd prize in a fancy dress competition aboard a cruise ship, aged 4. And what did it for me? Ratty old clothes, cardboard and crepe paper…
Actress: I still have that little red octopus, by the way…
Bishop: The red octopus given to you by a guy who’s dressed like Captain Stubing? That’s one to hang onto.
Actress: That kind of explains my facial expression. Even at that age, the guy scared the bejesus out of me…

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