Plastique Fantastique vol. V

 

Bishop: Eeek. It’s a cult, I know it’s a cult. Cults always believe to be the One True Representatives of God… that’s why they give themselves names like Soldiers of Light or The True Path. “The Christ Messengers” fits that mold a little TOO well.
Actress: The higher your hair, the closer you are to Jesus. Every cult has a kicker…
Bishop: Yes, hair that sticks straight up in the air brings you even just a few inches closer to Heaven. That’s what counts.
Actress: I think their hair is like antennae, that picks up messages from God. Although, Dad needs a bit more height…
Bishop: Being Christ’s messengers means you need to stay in touch
Bishop: The identical matching outfits don’t really help clear my mind that this ISN’T a cult, you know.
Actress: The girls are all in uniforms, too. This is a bit too much like Logan’s Run, although the parents are a bit old…
Bishop: Yes, no middle aged people in Logan’s Run
Actress: Quite. And the serene forest setting, doesn’t fool me for a moment.
Bishop: So many of these religion-themed cheesy album covers take place in a forest… what’s with that?
Actress: I know. I’m still trying to get a grip on that. I think it’s to distract from the ridiculous outfits and haircuts.
Bishop: Hey, something has to.
Bishop: As Christ’s messengers, do you think they charge a fair rate? They’ll deliver Jesus’ messages, but do they charge more than FedEx OR UPS?
Actress: Is your soul a fair rate? It’s all about priorities…
Bishop: “We’re here with a message from Christ: IT’S HELL FOR YOU”
Bishop: Hey, don’t shoot the messengers!
Actress: I think I’ll just shoot myself if I ever have to listen to this record…

Plastique Fantastique vol. IV

Actress: Oh, TOUCH ME……
Bishop: Can I?
Actress: Please do…
Bishop: Oh, you don’t have to ask…
Actress: As long as you wear a red shirt with extended lapels. It turns me on.
Bishop: How about more chest hair than Chewbacca? Does that do anything for you? Because I’m hoping the answer is “No”.
Actress: Ok, you need to stop this right now… I’m getting flustered.
Bishop: This particular artist has NO name…
Actress: So, I’ve noticed… and what is THAT feeling, exactly?
Bishop: For me? Nausea.
Actress: I came prepared and took some seasickness medication before I arrived. But I do have to say that a man with multiple chunky rings really leaves me hot and bothered. I think you need to move over right now. There’s a new stud in town….
Bishop: I will fight Johnny Chest-Hair for your love and I’ll win.
Actress: Oh, well now you’ve beaten a Spaghetti Monster and Satan. If you’re not too worn out, I think you might be in with a chance..
Bishop: You’re going down, you smirking, no-name-having feeling-toucher!
Actress: What is on this record?
Bishop: I’m guessing death metal.
Actress: I’m guessing you’re right. It’s the wonky eye. Sign of the devil, you know…
Bishop: Er, wait… did I say death metal? I meant gentle and sensitive soft-rock, because that’s ALL ANYBODY LISTENED TO BACK THEN! If I had a nickel for every gently-sung 70’s mood ballad, I’d be a trillionaire.
Actress: Did you notice he is standing in a forest?
Bishop: Yes! Is it a horrible cliche, or is Johnny Huge-Collar trying to tell us something?
Actress: No, but I am noticing a disturbing trend with these album covers…
Actress: Well, of course he’s telling us something… TOUCH THAT FEELING. God.
Bishop: It’s more of a command than a suggestion. Touch that feeling… now!
Actress: He could be Ridge Forrester’s long lost brother. Or doppelganger, even.
Bishop: If there’s one person who should never be doppleganged, it’s Ridge Forrester…
Actress: Tell him that…

Plastique Fantastique vol. III

Actress: Oh, what the hell…?
Bishop: Ha! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk…Where to begin? I knew we’d get to some really trippy, fucked-up acid artwork sooner or later…
Actress: It stands to reason that the devil wears a wife beater, no?
Bishop: Yeah, the devil’s got the fashion sense of some guy on “Cops”.
Actress: Yeah, and he’s yelling like some idiot who’s just about to get arrested, too…
Bishop: As it turns out, he’s NEVER worn Prada.
Actress: Hey, it could be a designer wife beater. Don’t be so judgmental.
Bishop: When I see this out of the corner of my eye, I imagine that his staff is a mic stand and he looks like some sort of nightmarish stand-up comedian.
Actress: I just translated the title, through the dodgy Alta Vista babel fish… and it says “Hot Rates to Dance”
Bishop: Who could have guessed a translation would yield a title making even LESS sense?
Actress: There’s a naked lady in the background who looks like she’s hopping on hot coals… or is it dancing?
Bishop: Your guess is as good as mine. And her tits are fake.
Actress: So are his fingernails…
Bishop: And I hope on all that’s holy that his legs are, too.
Bishop: His dad was a chicken! Don’t laugh!
Actress: Oh, you really shouldn’t have said that…. bwahahaha!
Bishop: Sure, be insensitive. No sympathy for the devil
Actress: Hah! Shit! The devil is after me now..! What shall I do?
Actress: Let us pray.
Bishop: Just hope to escape his hyper-fast chicken legs
Actress: I’ve got no chance. I’m counting on you, my knight in shining armour… *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: Having conquered the Spaghetti Monster from outer space, it’s now my duty to defeat Satan himself!
Actress: And you get bonus points for Satan, because then there’ll be no more McDonalds….
Bishop: Woohoo! Bonus points!
Actress: You always score with me, baby….

Plastique Fantastique vol. II

Actress: Oh, I’m having flashbacks….
Bishop: Ahh! revenge of the 80’s stereotypes!
Bishop: They’re called Chattanooga… Are they a country group? Some sort of country/glam-pop hybrid, maybe? My head hurts now…
Actress: I made a jacket just like that one in the middle in sewing class in my first year of highschool, except it was tartan (plaid).
Bishop: Cool. She’s stealing your style..
Actress: I think she stole my hairspray, too.
Bishop: You set all the trends, baby… She just wants to be YOU.
Actress: Well, what can I say? I always wanted one of those feather necklaces….
Bishop: It looks like it tickles…
Actress: Tell me you aren’t jealous of those sunglasses…
Bishop: “I ahm the Terminator… Ah’ll be bock”
Actress: Just after I stick my finger in this light socket…
Bishop: Ha ha!
Bishop: Question: Were there photos taken during the 80’s that WEREN’T in fuzzy soft-focus?
Actress: Hey, it was a new technology. Wanna talk about microchips?
Bishop: lol… Are those things in those computers everyone’s talking about? Radical!
Actress: Oh, crap… The woman in the sunnies, isn’t wearing a JACKPACK is she??
Bishop: I don’t remember what a Jackpack is. I’m afraid to have my memory refreshed…
Actress: Jackpacks were cotton multicoloured jackets, mostly white, that you could fold up in to a little package and seal with a zip. They were big, lemme tell ya…
Bishop: They sound sexy!
Actress: Ooh, they were. I have photos of me in my jackpack…
Bishop: *rowr!!* You sexy little minx…
Actress: *flutters eyelashes* The band name just doesn’t fit with the photo, or the graphics.
Actress: Yup… like I said… I’m guessing they’re some sort of country/glam-pop hybrid.
Bishop: I can’t imagine that taking off, though, call me crazy…
Bishop: The soft-focus is making me ill! Dear God! Every photo from the 80’s I see makes me think the entire decade was fuzzy soft-focus, as if the entire world existed in some dreamy fugue state. Well, I can tell you that it wasn’t! This isn’t an accurate representation!
Actress: No! The 80’s were blindingly colourful. God help me if I ever see another pair of fluro socks… I am scarred…. *cries*
Bishop: There, there. It’s all gone now. The 80’s will never hurt you again.
Actress: *sniff* Promise?
Bishop: I promise. *kisses*
Actress: Why does it say “Stoppa Presarna!” at the top there?
Bishop: I think “Stoppa Pressarna!” is either A) the album’s title or B) Spanish for “stop pressing”, being a note from the record company to the vinyl publishing plant to stop printing copies entirely.
Actress: Yes!! You’ve nailed it with B.
Bishop: See, I studied my Spanish and it paid off.
Actress: Fuck, you’re good. No wonder I love you…

Plastique Fantastique vol. I

Actress: Hello Mr Blue!
Bishop: Yikes. Um… What the?
Actress: It’s Orion, didn’t you know?
Bishop: THE Orion?
Actress: Yes, he is a star, after all. Although, he might be kidding himself if he thinks he’s a constellation…
Bishop: His “costume” looks one of those masks you cut out of a paper plate when you’re in kindergarten
Actress: He’s been reborn. Are we in the presence of a cosmic miracle?
Bishop: Reborn as what? I can’t figure out what look he’s going for… It’s like part KISS and part Pat Boone.
Actress: Hah! I think he’s auditioning for the Venice Carnival. They are fond of such masks and blue, come to think of it. But somehow, I don’t think his outfit is going to cut it.
Bishop: No, the outfit won’t work at all. He’s like a cheesy, country-western version of Cirque du Soleil.
Actress: Why is he hiding??
Bishop: I think he’s so ashamed of the music, he has to cobble together a ridiculous disguise as a means of hiding.
Actress: Yes, that side buttoning on his trousers was a bad idea. I think he should fire his stylist.
Bishop: I think he already fired her.
Actress: I would hide if I had a haircut like that…
Bishop: It’s not a good style, no. I have to give him credits for camouflage, though.
Bishop: He has a miraculous ability to blend into his surroundings like a human chameleon.
Actress: He’s very macho, or at least trying to be as much as he can with that hair. I think he’s going for the Phantom of the Opera air of mystery, probably with good reason…
Actress: He’s a superhero!
Bishop: He’s a really lame superhero…
Actress: No cape…
Bishop: He’s like your dad trying to be a superhero for your birthday party if he couldn’t hire the local Spider-Man guy. “See, Billy… it’s me, Dad-Man! I’m here to fight crime and wish YOU a Happy Birthday!” Twenty years later, it’s therapy for poor Billy.
Actress: “Yes, kiddies, Superman couldn’t make it, so we have…. Orion! He’s been reborn, you know…”
Bishop: There’s actually a comic book character called Orion. Whoever this guy is, he might get sued.
Actress: He really should be sued by humanity for crimes against fashion and hair. Check out the size of his watch.
Bishop: His watch is huge, and it has to be that way, because he’s got to be places on time. He’s busy, Orion is.
Actress: What do you think is on this record?
Bishop: I’m afraid to guess. I’ll just assume it’s psychedelic country, based on the cover.
Actress: Yup, that sounds about right.