Ad Nauseam vol. XII

 

Bishop: Ahhh! What the hell am I looking at? These just keep getting creepier and creepier…
Actress: You are looking at one of a slew of “dance bands” that were (and possibly still are) very, very popular in Sweden in the 60’s and 70’s…
Bishop: Are you kidding? That sounds about right based on the appearance, but the thought of it being a reality is so, so painful.
Actress: This is no joke, baby. Bjorn from ABBA was quite the popstar in one of these very bands before ABBA hit the world’s stage.
Bishop: I know I’ve joked about the annoyance of bands dressingly uniformly before, but this is beyond the pale (and that’s not a joke about the Swedish lack of skin pigment).
Actress: Electric blue velveteen is a beautiful thing… c’mon….
Bishop: It’s good to see racial diversity in music, isn’t it?
Actress: Hey, one of them has brown hair.
Bishop: I’m not at all kidding when I say I think the four in the front are clones. Seriously. Clones.
Actress: There is a serious family vibe going on there, no doubt. What I want, is to see those flares in full flight.
Bishop: Be careful what you wish for.
Actress: Be careful how you tempt me. I’ll be off to YouTube before you know it…
Bishop: Nooo!! Any guesses as to what “Musikanterna” means? The band’s name? The album title? Possibly?
Actress: I’m under the impression this is a band poster. I have a bunch of them ready to go, you’ll be pleased to know, all in glorious technicolour. So, I’m thinking, band name…
Bishop: Wow.
Actress: Unfortunately the trusty Babel Fish doesn’t cover Swedish…
Bishop: I’m assuming it means “terrible music”. Or possibly “the muskrats”
Actress: Or, maybe “lapels are GO!”
Bishop: Go and enormous… True fact: if you stitched together the material used to make lapels alone in the 1970’s, it would cover the Pacific Ocean 1,356 times.
Actress: Wow, that’s handy to know. You’re so smart. I love you, baby.
Bishop: I love you, darling. Now let’s never speak of Musikanterna again.
Actress: I’ll agree, but only if you agree to wear a pair of blue velveteen flares for me. Please. I insist.
Bishop: The things I do for you!

Comix Remix vol. V

Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

Comix Remix vol. IV

 

Bishop: Dr. Bobbs! I’m sure this comic is action packed and full of excitement, but why is the center shot him on the phone? That’s the least exciting picture to showcase his amazing adventures.
Actress: Paging Dr. Bobbs… Paging Dr Bobbs…. Life saver, lab genius, drug addict. Brilliant. Not to mention that right hook…
Bishop: It just looks like such explosive excitement. Kids should be warned in advance that Dr. Bobbs does’t represent most doctors. I mean, a big part of the job is filling out paperwork.
Actress: What? You mean you don’t become a doctor to raid your own medicine cabinet?
Bishop: Speaking of drug abuse, should we be concerned he’s a heroin addict?
Actress: Well, according to this comic book cover, it’s all part of a day’s work.
Bishop: Yes… shooting up is just part of doctorhood.
Actress: How else would he deal with the stress of bandaging elbows? I ask you…
Bishop: Almost as disturbing is the fact that he’s hitting a guy. Since when do doctors ever need to punch people?
Actress: And since when do heroin addicts become violent, unless their stash has run out? Not likely in his case…
Bishop: I don’t know. I get the feeling they’re related.
Bishop: Tell me something… was there a time when doctors affixed compact discs to their own foreheads using black electrical tape?
Actress: I was wondering the same thing…
Bishop: I’m not sure he knows it’s there. Someone should tell him.
Actress: Maybe we should write a letter.
Bishop: OR maybe whoever is on the other end of the phone is letting him know. The look on his face is dawning realization… “So THAT’S where my ‘Best of Pat Boone’ CD’s been!”
Actress: Hah. That’s what you get for taking too many drugs. Silly Dr. Bobbs.
Bishop: Haha. Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re out of your mind on smack.
Actress: You can see he’s mixing up his own stash in the bottom right corner. He’s in deep. I hope I don’t get Dr. Bobbs next time I visit Emergency.
Bishop: When was it that cars looked and sounded like that? I’m not a car buff, but I don’t recall a particular model that made noises like a monkey.
Actress: I believe that’s an ambulance, rushing Dr. Bobbs to where the elbows need bandaging. He’s very good at that, you know.
Bishop: That’s his area of expertise. He’s an Elbow Bandagologist.
Actress: *checks own elbows* Nope, I’m good. No Dr. Bobbs for me. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Especially as he seems to have just administered an overdose to one of his patients.
Bishop: I just now remembered where I’ve seen Dr. Bobbs! This is Thomas Dolby! The bottom middle picture, where he’s punching that guy, is from the “Blinded Me with Science” video!
Actress: Oh, good god… you’re right. Maybe that’s why he needs the injections, since he was blinded and all… He’s having trouble with that microscope.
Bishop: Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Dr. Bobbs
Actress: Trust him. Bloody Dr. Bobbs…

Ad Nauseam vol. VI

Actress: Is it completely ironic (or something) that I bought a bottle of Wella shampoo today?
Bishop: A bizarre coincidence. I’m sure you were influenced by ads just like this… I mean, how could you resist wanting hair like that?
Actress: Well, I didn’t want to say… but am really quite envious of his smooth lines and shine…
Bishop: The ad says at the bottom: “Be sure you get WELLA Balsam…” as a reminder not to buy their competitors brand. You have to laugh at the lack of subtlety there.
Actress: Hes obviously not using it on his moustache…
Bishop: You’re right: his moustache is completely unkempt… he needs a Wella product for that mess… or just to get rid of it would be much better.
Actress: That is not a moustache. It is a scraggly bush. It may make him quite popular with the ladies, however… ahem.
Actress: Not that I’d know…
Bishop: Are you in love with the Wella Balsam guy? I will fight him for your love, so help me God!
Actress: Honey, are you really up to it? So far we have the Spaghetti Monster, Satan… and who else? I only really want you, and I’m worried for your welfare and weaponry against such smooth tresses. Which shampoo are you using again?
Bishop: Generico brand generic shampoo-ish hair soap. Why? Is that a good one?
Actress: It’s not a good match against Wella. I call that you win, by default. Reason being that you are the most adorable man on the planet. There. No more fighting scraggly moustachioed dandies or sloppy spaghetti monsters.
Actress: You can never tell what might come up in the future, however…
Bishop: Ha! I win! I will take them ALL on! Ha ha ha!
Actress: Funny how there are no products proclaiming balsam these days….
Bishop: Yes… there seems to be a dearth of balsam-based products on the market. I have a feeling they stopped using after it mutated some kids and turned them into little flipper-children… just like what happened with asbestos.
Actress: That’s it! I think you’re found the sole reason for male pattern baldness in middle aged men. Too much WELLA BALSAM. God. Do you think we should alert the authorities?
Bishop: I want to know what this guy looks like NOW… knowing the effects of Wella Balsam, he could be in a bad way…
Actress: That’s what I’m talking about….
Actress: He has NO HAIR.
Bishop: That’ll teach him for messing with balsam. That shit’ll kill you man!
Actress: Slosh it on in the shower, indeed.

Ad Nauseam vol. V

Actress: Poor Mary’s been left in the moonlight because of her stinky breath. A condition she condemns in others! Judgmental cow…
Bishop: Judgmental and cold. The moonlight means NOTHING to her! She’s so unfeeling.
Actress: What about all those other poor bastards with bad breath? Serves her right, I reckon…
Bishop: Yeah, Mary’s getting off on the wrong foot with us from the outset. You need a character in your ad who’s less of a buzzkill. She’s a bit bitchy right off the bat.
Actress: They haven’t painted a pretty picture of her, that’s for sure. Why is it always women who have the hygeine problems in these ads?
Bishop: It’s the 50’s! Men are gross and manly! Only ladies need to look good! That’s their only aim, after all!
Actress: Yes, of course. We’re only here to cook, look good and wait on our man hand and foot. My bad…
Actress: Oh, and not have stinky breath…
Bishop: I think the statistic that 9 out of 10 people have bad breath seems to be a bit high. Was the problem really that severe back then? That’s like an ad that says “98% of people have explosive diarrhea!”
Actress: I thought the same thing. I know I don’t wake up smelling like roses, but surely morning breath doesn’t count?
Bishop: Morning breath shouldn’t count.
Actress: Mary doesn’t have morning breath. You can’t have morning breath in the moonlight, Mary… Hey, I’m digging the alliteration…
Bishop: Very nice.
Actress: Well, look at the toothpaste, sorry Dental Cream tube. I’m thinking the entire concept was quite new before then. What on earth did they use?? Like, they have to CONVINCE us to use toothpaste… and not just Colgate..
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, toothpaste was brand new at the time. Before that, you had to rub pieces of coal on your teeth. That’s all we had and we liked it, dagnabbit!
Actress: The funny thing about this, is that even after Mary uses Colgate, her suitor still looks like he’s trying to avoid being anywhere near her open mouth..
Bishop: Yeah, they need a better “after” picture.
Bishop: “You too can avoid open-mouth kisses at all costs after using COLGATE!”
Actress: I’m thinking about switching brands…
Actress: Oh, one more thing. Does her bad breath have anything to do with the fact she’s wearing an empty plate on her head? What has she been eating?
Bishop: HA! She’s serving hors d’ouvres on her head. That’s connected to the bad breath somehow, I just know it.
Actress: I think Mary got a bit carried away with the ol’ cocktail onions and cheese on toothpicks. Just a hunch…

Comix Remix vol. III

Bishop: I love it when masked comic book ninjas conspire against their partners with the audience. Yes, it happens all the time.
Actress: Indeed. And I wouldn’t like to make Power Man MAD. Geez. He might… break something!
Bishop: He’s quite strong! And he hates low sales numbers. He’s quite the stickler for strong business performance.
Actress: Well, I think they did the right thing by stipulating that 60 cents is cheaper than a doctor’s bill. You’d get far more readers with that clever marketing ruse…
Bishop: These days, buying a car might be cheaper than a doctor’s bill.
Actress: Depends on which country you live in, I guess… ahem.
Bishop: Although, I don’t like the threatening tone. That’s not the best way to win over readers, I have to say. “Hey, punk, do you like trips to the doctor or don’t you?!?”
Bishop: It’s a bit off-putting, but on the other hand, you have to begrudgingly respect that kind of bravado. Even fictional characters were ballsier back in the 70’s.
Actress: I thought he was talking into a nifty wrist phone at first, but no…. He’s just yelling because he likes the sound of his own voice inside that echo chamber of a collar…
Bishop: Yes, Iron Fist has a collar that resembles those lamp shade things they make dogs wear so they don’t bite their stitches.
Actress: Yes! That’s exactly what it reminds me of. His mask looks a bit ill, too..
Bishop: Another sign of the times: open chest tunic, with wicked dragon tattoo on his chest.
Actress: Is that a dragon? It looks like a wilting tulip…
Bishop: Hey, don’t insult his dragon…
Bishop: Said the actress to the bishop!
Actress: Oh, brilliant call, my love… *kisses*
Bishop: Thank you, thank you *kisses*
Bishop: Go ahead and make fun of the name. Power Man and Iron Fist sounds TOO suggestively pornographic… you can’t ignore it.
Actress: Are you saying Power Man and Iron Fist is a sublimated gay comic?
Bishop: No, but that name MUST be mocked publicly. I mean, it’d be a crime not to.
Actress: I think it all sounds rather invasive and painful when I think of it that way….
Bishop: True… and now that you brought it up the wilted flower on his chest where a dragon should be, this comic becomes even more disturbing and awkward. We can just twist ANYTHING around, can’t we?
Actress: Isn’t that why you love me so? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: C’mere, you…

Comix Remix vol. II

 

Actress: Someone call child protective services!!!!!
Bishop: Oh, no! That guy IS child protective services!!
Actress: That’s it. I give up. There is no hope for humanity.
Bishop: I think he’s a hero because he’s protecting that truck from the imminent danger of that snot-nosed kid. Look at how hard he’s going to hit that punk! He’ll teach kids everywhere a thing or two about messing with poor helpless trucks.
Actress: Oh god… I think you’re right. I had it all wrong. Look how terrified the driver is! His grill was very nearly dented!
Bishop: I’m just impressed by the cop’s wind-up. That’s quite a punching arm, I have to say.
Actress: Being a girly girl and not knowing a thing about punching, even I’d have to agree… He’s teaching her good! Little scamp…
Bishop: I enjoy the fact that they boast the “Famous Funnies” moniker with such pride. You can bet when you’re buying a Famous Funnies publication, you’ve got your hands on a quality piece of literature.
Actress: Yes, because this publication looks hilarious! I can barely contain myself…
Bishop: Ha ha! What could be funnier than imminent death? I’m laughing already.
Actress: Wait, is that a… a horse in the passenger side of the truck? Or is it a bull? Oh, it’s nothing… my bad. It would have added to the sheer comedic genius, if it was…
Bishop: Yeah. Although now that you’ve mentioned it, it’s really freaking me out… I mean, what the hell? What IS it? It looks like a giant brown blob… oh, it’s weirding me the hell out.
Actress: I don’t know, but I’m glad this comic only costs 10 cents. Any more and I might be looking for holes in the “NEW” moniker…
Bishop: Ha. Yeah, I really balk at paying more than a dime for anything.
Actress: So THAT’S why the Ghost Monster never arrived… *pout*
Bishop: Baby, dont worry… I promise we’ll get our new Ghost Monster… *kisses*
Bishop: I like the fact that the cover promises that the people in this comic were “chosen by this publication…” to be acclaimed. The people at Famous Funnies really like to toot their own horn. First they’re bragging about their brand name and now they’re deciding WHO is allowed to be considered a hero.
Actress: I think their motives are suspect.
Actress: I’m more interested you in that police uniform. Is it police? Do I sense a role playing theme in this blog? Either way, I’ll bet you can find it somewhere for a buck, and if so, Ghost Monster is history… *kisses*
Bishop: C’mere you…