Tag Archives: parody

Comix Remix vol. VI

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Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

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Comix Remix vol. V

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Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

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Far-Out Flicks vol. VII

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Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Bishop: Mmmm…
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*

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Enfant Terribles vol. IV

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Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

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Far-Out Flicks vol. VI

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Bishop: The tagline focuses on the seven savage punks, but I’m wondering about the giantress off to the side… do you see her? If you squint, you can just barely make her out.
Actress: *squints* Oh, yeah.
Bishop: Incredible. Neither the title nor the tagline acknowledges her. Hello?? She’s a GIANT!! Not to mention the focal point of the poster.
Actress: Hello? We have SEVEN SAVAGE PUNKS on a BINGE!
Actress: I think she’s about to thump them all dead like cockroaches under her giant fists.
Bishop: She could crush them if she felt like it. Oh, she’ll show them a binge of violence, alright.
Bishop: Did you know that “seven savage punks” was in the original draft of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”? It’s true.
Actress: Wow, really? There you go again… educamacating me like you do. I love you, baby *kisses*
Bishop: I love you, darling. *kisses*
Bishop: With a tagline like that, this better be a rip-snorting fight movie. Why do I get the feeling it fails to live up to the promise?
Actress: Possibly because of the potential for fist thumping, but really I think this is some kind of spin-off, telling the background story of the first young woman to escape from Land of the Giants. And she is cool, you know… mainly because she’s that freaking tall that the air drops degrees every time she stands up.
Bishop: Amazing. I imagine it’s hard to shop, being her.
Actress: And I thought I had problems. How is it that all those men are frozen in almost exactly the same pose?
Bishop: Good question… It’s baffling…
Actress: They don’t look crazy to me, they look like automatons, programmed to beat people up in sync.
Bishop: Choreographed fighting! Nooo! Nightmares of West Side Story…
Actress: Don’t start me singing… You’ll be sorry you mentioned that
Bishop: Question: If you were that tall and your hoo-ha were hovering over the head of seven savage punks, would you wear a skirt? Probably not the best choice, I imagine.
Actress: Uh, nice call. No. No, I wouldn’t wear a skirt. I’d be wearing very demure slacks. No culottes, you understand, or stretch jeans for fear of giant camel toe… demure slacks. Yes.
Bishop: Ha ha… Camel toe. Comedy goldmine. Good one, honey.
Actress: GIANT camel toe, no less. It can’t be good. Unless….
Bishop: Well, not for you
Actress: What do you mean, not for me? What’s wrong with my camel toe?!
Bishop: Nothing. Just seems a bit revealing with all those savage punks around. I mean, savage punks are not gentlemen.. hence the “savage punks” tag.
Actress: I wouldn’t want to block their light….
Bishop: You know who’s NOT shy? Giant-lady. It just occurred to me that she’s almost definitely mooning people.
Actress: Maybe that’s her M.O. All she has to do is swivel and I’m sure those savage punks would stop fighting immediately.
Bishop: Despite their weekend binge of violence.
Actress: A weekend binge of violence. I’d rather have a weekend binge of sex. Or alcohol. Or food. Call me old fashioned.
Bishop: Hey, how about all three? I’ll just be old fashioned right with you.
Actress: Sounds better than good to me, baby. Let’s get fashioned in an old timey way.

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Far-Out Flicks vol. V

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Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Actress: *waves*

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Enfants Terribles vol. II

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Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

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