Comix Remix vol. VI

 

Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

Comix Remix vol. V

Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

Far-Out Flicks vol. VII

 

Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Bishop: Mmmm…
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*

Enfant Terribles vol. IV

 

Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

Far-Out Flicks vol. VI

 

Bishop: The tagline focuses on the seven savage punks, but I’m wondering about the giantress off to the side… do you see her? If you squint, you can just barely make her out.
Actress: *squints* Oh, yeah.
Bishop: Incredible. Neither the title nor the tagline acknowledges her. Hello?? She’s a GIANT!! Not to mention the focal point of the poster.
Actress: Hello? We have SEVEN SAVAGE PUNKS on a BINGE!
Actress: I think she’s about to thump them all dead like cockroaches under her giant fists.
Bishop: She could crush them if she felt like it. Oh, she’ll show them a binge of violence, alright.
Bishop: Did you know that “seven savage punks” was in the original draft of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”? It’s true.
Actress: Wow, really? There you go again… educamacating me like you do. I love you, baby *kisses*
Bishop: I love you, darling. *kisses*
Bishop: With a tagline like that, this better be a rip-snorting fight movie. Why do I get the feeling it fails to live up to the promise?
Actress: Possibly because of the potential for fist thumping, but really I think this is some kind of spin-off, telling the background story of the first young woman to escape from Land of the Giants. And she is cool, you know… mainly because she’s that freaking tall that the air drops degrees every time she stands up.
Bishop: Amazing. I imagine it’s hard to shop, being her.
Actress: And I thought I had problems. How is it that all those men are frozen in almost exactly the same pose?
Bishop: Good question… It’s baffling…
Actress: They don’t look crazy to me, they look like automatons, programmed to beat people up in sync.
Bishop: Choreographed fighting! Nooo! Nightmares of West Side Story…
Actress: Don’t start me singing… You’ll be sorry you mentioned that
Bishop: Question: If you were that tall and your hoo-ha were hovering over the head of seven savage punks, would you wear a skirt? Probably not the best choice, I imagine.
Actress: Uh, nice call. No. No, I wouldn’t wear a skirt. I’d be wearing very demure slacks. No culottes, you understand, or stretch jeans for fear of giant camel toe… demure slacks. Yes.
Bishop: Ha ha… Camel toe. Comedy goldmine. Good one, honey.
Actress: GIANT camel toe, no less. It can’t be good. Unless….
Bishop: Well, not for you
Actress: What do you mean, not for me? What’s wrong with my camel toe?!
Bishop: Nothing. Just seems a bit revealing with all those savage punks around. I mean, savage punks are not gentlemen.. hence the “savage punks” tag.
Actress: I wouldn’t want to block their light….
Bishop: You know who’s NOT shy? Giant-lady. It just occurred to me that she’s almost definitely mooning people.
Actress: Maybe that’s her M.O. All she has to do is swivel and I’m sure those savage punks would stop fighting immediately.
Bishop: Despite their weekend binge of violence.
Actress: A weekend binge of violence. I’d rather have a weekend binge of sex. Or alcohol. Or food. Call me old fashioned.
Bishop: Hey, how about all three? I’ll just be old fashioned right with you.
Actress: Sounds better than good to me, baby. Let’s get fashioned in an old timey way.

Far-Out Flicks vol. V

 

Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Actress: *waves*

Enfants Terribles vol. II

Bishop: Megaforce is about deeds not words.
Actress: Deeds, as in pointing like and wearing a headband like an 80’s tragic? Because I think that gets you lightning as well as the vehicular aura…
Bishop: Yes. It was all about that 80’s headband. I think this guy was the lead singer for Loverboy
Actress: Hey, don’t diss Loverboy.
Bishop: This guy looks like Chuck Norris decided to impersonate Darth Vader and Olivia Newton John at the same time.
Actress: If you have one of those nifty electronic chest pads, you too can have motorbikes, cars, and helicopters shooting out of your body at all angles.
Bishop: I have no idea what that chest pad does… I’ll assume it controls said motorbikes, cars and helicopters?
Actress: I want one.
Bishop: I want you to have one too, baby, but you might not be man enough. Megaforce is NOT an equal opportunity employer. They’re very bigoted in their hiring methods.
Actress: I’m not manly enough. I’m angry now. I’m going to put on my legwarmers and challenge him to a duel.
Actress: *sings* “Turn me LOOSE, turn me LOOSE, I gotta do it MY WAYYYY.. or NO WAY AT ALLLLLLLLL.. YEAHHAHAHHHHH”… Now I’ve got him. It’s a karaoke duel.
Bishop: *applauds*
Actress: Is he naked? I think he’s naked, but they were a bit coy about the boy bits…
Bishop: That could be.
Actress: Oh, he’s wearing a jumpsuit, I take that back. A VERY fitting jumpsuit.
Bishop: This ad is too ambiguous… Megaforce was a horrible 80’s action movie and this ad is to encourage children to join the fanclub. A cursory glance at the picture brings all kinds of questions to mind.
Actress: It is quite enticing though, you have to admit. For only ONE DOLLAR, you get the patch, an official membership card, and some reflective decal. I’m in.
Bishop: Everything cost a dollar at one point… That’s also the price you had to pay for the 7 foot tall dancing monster ghost doohicky thingamajig.
Actress: I think we should publish a book of all the brilliant deals you can get through mail order/fanclubs. We’ll make a mint. Maybe even more than a dollar!
Bishop: Great idea! The irony is that the book costs $19.99
Actress: That’s a very manly price…
Bishop: I just hope I’m man enough for Megaforce.

Ad Nauseam vol. VII

 

Actress: This is how my living room looked in the 60’s…. if I was alive in the 60’s.
Bishop: If we were to go back in time to the 60’s and become surrealist interior decorators, this would be our living room in the 60’s.
Actress: I was lying about this is how my living room looked, if it existed. This is horrible. What a mess. Although it has some pleasing elements…
Actress: You’re sweet to take my bait though, baby .. *wink*
Bishop: Hey, don’t mention it.
Bishop: My favorite part of this room is the door… it allows for speedy exit.
Actress: Door? There is a door? [peers closer]….
Bishop: Oh no… there’s no door? In that case, it’s not even a room… it’s a cell.
Actress: with big purple turds on the floor. I always wanted purple turds. They make me happy.
Bishop: Giant purple turds… they accentuate any room. I’d love to make fun of the objects in this room, but I have no idea what I’m looking at. Is this FURNITURE?
Actress: I think most of the decor, coloured orange, comes from my playroom, circa 1974… I was a bit behind the times…
Bishop: You’re right! I was just about to say that those plastic orange chairs remind me of the little baby table you have in your playroom. I picture myself sitting down at a table like that at the age of 4 and messing around with Play-Doh or action figures.
Actress: Yes! I used to like screwing the legs off the chairs.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop…
Bishop: Oh, you’re too good! *kisses* I love it when you make double entendres.
Actress: *curtsies* Thank you, baby. I aim to please…
Bishop: So… the question remains… WHO is to be using this room and for WHAT purpose? Any guesses? Any at all?
Actress: I think it’s the living room on a spaceship. I know that’s what they want us to think, but I think it’s for REAL. What other environment could be so utterly cold?
Actress: The plants are a nice touch, though..
Actress: As completely 60’s/70’s as they are…
Bishop: It is. This was created by a cold, inhuman, alien sentience. In other words, it’s probably Scandanavian.
Actress: Indeed. I think you may be entirely correct. However, I’m still trying to work out what’s going on to the righ of the “picture” window…
Bishop: I’m still trying to work out ANY of it… describe what you’re looking at. We probably won’t crack the case, but I’ll take a look.
Actress: I can’t get past the purple turds, but did ANYONE on earth actually have a living space that remotely resembled this? If so, I’ve been hanging out in the wrong crowds…
Bishop: No, this is not the picture of a livable room, this is the picture of an art student losing his mind.
Actress: With plenty of flat surfaces to draw lines of… things on. Right.
Bishop: Yes. Let’s not ponder too long. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.
Actress: I still want to sit on one of those turds. They look kinda comfy… Made for two, perhaps? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: I’ll join you then. Nothing’s more romantic than a giant, purple turd. Which sounds like the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. This is why I mustn’t work for Hallmark.
Actress: I think you’ll feel differently when we are sucked into that big purple hole….What I’m thinking about that is not fit for public consumption, I assure you…
Bishop: C’mere you…

Dance Fools Dance! vol. III

Bishop: Wow, that was completely low-budget.
Actress: Way to dress up for the part, buddy…
Bishop: I think it was shot on video and features about 40 seconds of footage that’s cut together and repeated over and over. His wardrobe is just PART of the problem.
Actress: He looks like he slept in his clothes… Actually, scrap that, he looks like he hasn’t slept for a decade.
Bishop: Ha! That’s never more apparent than when he attempts to dance.
Bishop: They keep cutting back to that shot of him on the boardwalk… Extending your arms and wiggling your wrists does NOT count as a dance move.
Actress: Oh yeah, he’s got that sleep-deprived delirium. Utterly without rhythm…
Actress: HAH! And slurring into the microphone is NOT singing!
Bishop: This guy just half-assed every step of the way… except the shot at the end, which was his WHOLE ass.
Actress: That was pure class. I was hanging to see his ass. Why is this clip making me rhyme?
Bishop: Nicely done
Actress: I like how he keeps emerging from that changing cubicle, like he’s modelling the outfit of all time. Wtf?
Bishop: In his own mind it IS the outfit of all time. This guy clearly has a nasty case of Thinkyourecoolitis
Actress: And what a surprise he’s alone on the dancefloor…
Bishop: Yes, that club is completely barren. His hand wiggling won’t win him any friends tonight, apparently
Actress: (Note for the reader: This song is called RITUAL DE AMOR, by CHIKO 10, and inexplicably it was a HUGE hit in Spain…)
Actress: I fear that I’m going to be “singing”, “Danzzzaaa Danzaaa” in my sleep now… It really is disturbingly catchy, in that Eurotrash novelty song kind of way…
Bishop: Yes! Eerily catchy…
Bishop: I feel I can relate to the lyrics during the chorus… “Ba da da da daaa, ba da da da da da”… Who hasn’t been THERE? It’s universal.
Actress: Indeed. Danzaaaaa danzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…. oh, shit.
Actress: It’s stuck now.
Bishop: Sorry. You’ll never get it out.
Actress: Obviously nobody’s ever told him that he really oughtn’t be on camera, in any sense. Do you think we should write to him? To save him from himself (read: and us), you know….
Bishop: I think he would appreciate that. You’re right, he’s completely unable to see himself. He’s really really happy and he sounds and looks like crap.
Actress: I think I’m off tequila for life…
Bishop: “Dear Mr. 10: You need to stop pretending to be a musician. For the good of humanity and our ears…”
Actress: You have such a way with words, baby…
Bishop: Thanks, sweetheart. And don’t worry: tequila could never make you act as embarrassingly as this guy.
Actress: Yes, and it will never make me wear sunglasses on a cord around my neck. Thank God.

Ad Nauseam vol. VI

Actress: Is it completely ironic (or something) that I bought a bottle of Wella shampoo today?
Bishop: A bizarre coincidence. I’m sure you were influenced by ads just like this… I mean, how could you resist wanting hair like that?
Actress: Well, I didn’t want to say… but am really quite envious of his smooth lines and shine…
Bishop: The ad says at the bottom: “Be sure you get WELLA Balsam…” as a reminder not to buy their competitors brand. You have to laugh at the lack of subtlety there.
Actress: Hes obviously not using it on his moustache…
Bishop: You’re right: his moustache is completely unkempt… he needs a Wella product for that mess… or just to get rid of it would be much better.
Actress: That is not a moustache. It is a scraggly bush. It may make him quite popular with the ladies, however… ahem.
Actress: Not that I’d know…
Bishop: Are you in love with the Wella Balsam guy? I will fight him for your love, so help me God!
Actress: Honey, are you really up to it? So far we have the Spaghetti Monster, Satan… and who else? I only really want you, and I’m worried for your welfare and weaponry against such smooth tresses. Which shampoo are you using again?
Bishop: Generico brand generic shampoo-ish hair soap. Why? Is that a good one?
Actress: It’s not a good match against Wella. I call that you win, by default. Reason being that you are the most adorable man on the planet. There. No more fighting scraggly moustachioed dandies or sloppy spaghetti monsters.
Actress: You can never tell what might come up in the future, however…
Bishop: Ha! I win! I will take them ALL on! Ha ha ha!
Actress: Funny how there are no products proclaiming balsam these days….
Bishop: Yes… there seems to be a dearth of balsam-based products on the market. I have a feeling they stopped using after it mutated some kids and turned them into little flipper-children… just like what happened with asbestos.
Actress: That’s it! I think you’re found the sole reason for male pattern baldness in middle aged men. Too much WELLA BALSAM. God. Do you think we should alert the authorities?
Bishop: I want to know what this guy looks like NOW… knowing the effects of Wella Balsam, he could be in a bad way…
Actress: That’s what I’m talking about….
Actress: He has NO HAIR.
Bishop: That’ll teach him for messing with balsam. That shit’ll kill you man!
Actress: Slosh it on in the shower, indeed.

Plastique Fantastique vol. IX

Actress: Oh, you can’t be serious. Where do we start with this??
Bishop: This appears to be Bryant Gumble and Tommy Chong in speedos and neckties
Actress: Hah! And rather fetching speedos, I must say… You might have some competition there, honey…
Bishop: D’oh! I will fight them both at once if need be! For your love!
Actress: I’m a sucker for the nautical look.
Bishop: They don’t look very at home at water, I have to say
Actress: WHY are they wearing ties? Is this stage attire? Or did they just need to strip off really quickly because they needed to duck into the water for a pee?
Bishop: Ha ha! You might be onto something. To be honest, they remind me of homeless guys who are pretending to go work because they’re somewhat schizophrenic. They put on the ties because they have a big meeting today (in their minds).
Actress: Yes, that kind of explains the “vision” of an “angel” in a pyramid….
Bishop: Hey, there you go! Although I have to wonder why they’re not looking at said angel. It seems as if they’re deliberately ignoring her.
Actress: She doesn’t look happy about it, either…
Actress: She’s getting her frock wet.
Bishop: She looks as lost and sad as they are… get these poor people to dry land, someone! They’re clearly miserable
Actress: What impresses me most about this record, is that it’s AUTOGRAPHED. That is awesome (and I don’t use that word often, or lightly…).
Bishop: Yes. Duduca & Dalvan have FANS. Think about that for a second.
Bishop: It boggles the mind
Actress: Oh. My. God. It comes with a calendar!
Bishop: Holy shit! TWELVE pictures like this!
Actress: a poster calendar, no less..
Bishop: I’m afraid… I’m scared now.
Actress: I want it. Take me back to 1986!!
Bishop: Time to hit up eBay.
Actress: I’m still transfixed by those nautical themed speedos. They are stunning…and so well fitting.
Bishop: Ugh… no. This album cover is so horrible I’ve denounced God. There can be no Superlative Power in a world where Duduca & Dalvan strut about nude….
Bishop: for what God could allow THIS?
Actress: Are you saying their little angel is not of God?
Bishop: If she’s come to unleash these two on the world, then, no… she’s something far more sinister.
Actress: I think you’re right. Either that, or she just wants some ice cream.
Bishop: I’m disconcerted by the image of an angel on this cover. Are there religious themes? I don’t like the vision of serenity juxtaposed against these creepy, hairy guys and their tightly-bundled sausage links.
Actress: She doesn’t look very serene to me…
Actress: Someone’s a little grumpypants…
Bishop: Upon closer inspection, she does seem a bit disgruntled.
Bishop: Again, it probably has to do with being in the cold water in that outfit. She can’t be comfortable.
Actress: Exactly. I want to hear what’s on this record, as always…
Bishop: It’s in Spanish. Which is good, because I’m almost afraid of what the lyrics sound like.
Actress: I’ve run the title through a translator, and apparently it means “Massa Falida”, which explains everything, don’t you think?
Bishop: Yeah, makes sense to me
Bishop: This cover has been rated HW (Horrible & Wrong)… Listener discretion is advised.
Actress: You have been warned….

Ad Nauseam vol. V

Actress: Poor Mary’s been left in the moonlight because of her stinky breath. A condition she condemns in others! Judgmental cow…
Bishop: Judgmental and cold. The moonlight means NOTHING to her! She’s so unfeeling.
Actress: What about all those other poor bastards with bad breath? Serves her right, I reckon…
Bishop: Yeah, Mary’s getting off on the wrong foot with us from the outset. You need a character in your ad who’s less of a buzzkill. She’s a bit bitchy right off the bat.
Actress: They haven’t painted a pretty picture of her, that’s for sure. Why is it always women who have the hygeine problems in these ads?
Bishop: It’s the 50’s! Men are gross and manly! Only ladies need to look good! That’s their only aim, after all!
Actress: Yes, of course. We’re only here to cook, look good and wait on our man hand and foot. My bad…
Actress: Oh, and not have stinky breath…
Bishop: I think the statistic that 9 out of 10 people have bad breath seems to be a bit high. Was the problem really that severe back then? That’s like an ad that says “98% of people have explosive diarrhea!”
Actress: I thought the same thing. I know I don’t wake up smelling like roses, but surely morning breath doesn’t count?
Bishop: Morning breath shouldn’t count.
Actress: Mary doesn’t have morning breath. You can’t have morning breath in the moonlight, Mary… Hey, I’m digging the alliteration…
Bishop: Very nice.
Actress: Well, look at the toothpaste, sorry Dental Cream tube. I’m thinking the entire concept was quite new before then. What on earth did they use?? Like, they have to CONVINCE us to use toothpaste… and not just Colgate..
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, toothpaste was brand new at the time. Before that, you had to rub pieces of coal on your teeth. That’s all we had and we liked it, dagnabbit!
Actress: The funny thing about this, is that even after Mary uses Colgate, her suitor still looks like he’s trying to avoid being anywhere near her open mouth..
Bishop: Yeah, they need a better “after” picture.
Bishop: “You too can avoid open-mouth kisses at all costs after using COLGATE!”
Actress: I’m thinking about switching brands…
Actress: Oh, one more thing. Does her bad breath have anything to do with the fact she’s wearing an empty plate on her head? What has she been eating?
Bishop: HA! She’s serving hors d’ouvres on her head. That’s connected to the bad breath somehow, I just know it.
Actress: I think Mary got a bit carried away with the ol’ cocktail onions and cheese on toothpicks. Just a hunch…

Ad Nauseam vol. IV

Actress: How is it that I am the core demographic for this advertisement and I am completely confused?
Bishop: It does seem a bit disjointed in focus, doesn’t it? They’re talking about joining sports teams and then arguing with your family… FOCUS in, ad people!
Bishop: This is easily the most cluttered Kotex ad in history. Usually it’s just a girl running through a field and feeling “fresh”.
Actress: Or in a bikini…
Actress: Gosh. I think we should tackle it section by section; what do you think?
Bishop: Yes, we’ll take it section by section.
Actress: First, what the hell is “parlor” chatter? Even they put it in ” “…. and how does your soundtrack fail you in thus? What does it all mean???
Bishop: It’s bizarre… whoever wrote ad copy for this thing seriously has no grasp of youthy vernacular.
Actress: And how does a snow train make all the difference to your level of yakkety-yak confidence? This has nothing to do with sanitary protection at all, it seems…
Bisohp: No… if you covered up the Kotex logo, you would have no idea what this ad was even for.
Actress: Are we really supposed to tick the boxes? Do you think anyone ever actually did??
Bishop: That would be so pathetic. This ISN’T a real quiz, after all
Actress: Moving onto the next question, “…which style demands special grooming?”…
Bishop: “Hey, junior kiddos! Time to jump on the snow train and make with the yakkety-yak while giving your razzmatazz a real shot in the arm! Join a bowling team! Wear batwings! Do you like pleated skirts? Don’t blow your top!” These sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic person, not someone attempting to sell women’s hygiene products….
Actress: Hah! The batwings really bother me. Will you only love me if I wear batwings? I mean, I might perspire.. and you might tire… of me. *worried look*
Bishop: No batwings for my baby *kisses*. If you perspire, I will not tire.
Actress: I feel a sudden urge to finish this in Dr Seuss style rhyme… but we won’t go there…
Bishop: “I will not eat it with batwings.. I will not eat them wearing rings…”
Actress: …or a bra with built in shields. WHAT IS THAT?? Am I supposed to strap diapers sanitary napkins strapped under my armpits? That could explain the batwings..
Bishop: Are people not supposed to notice the diapers sanitary napkins sticking out from under your arms? Maybe the batwings would be necessary in that situation… go around looking like a flying squirrel.
Actress: Aw, squirrels are cute… but batwings send me flying right back to the 80’s and that’s not a good thing…
Bishop: Oh, I remember that
Actress: Isn’t it quaint how they refer to “calendar time”? I’ve never heard that one before…
Bishop: It’s actually a surprisingly tasteful sobriquet.
Actress: Shall we move on? We’re getting lessons in how to straighten out a feud…
Bishop: Yes. And you want to be comfy before you start a fight in your own house.
Actress: Quite. So THAT’S where I’ve been going wrong all these years. If only I’d worn a diaper sanitary napkin during PMS, all my hormones would have behaved themselves! *slaps forehead*
Bishop: Yes! No arguments if you’re wearing your trusty Kotex.
Actress: But is she wearing her batwings? I think not…
Bishop: You’ve gotta have those life-saving batwings!
Actress: Think of me at Christmas, darling. Add batwings to the list… They can only benefit both of us…
Bishop: You got it. Ironically, this ad has turned us more on to batwings than it has to any Kotex-produced product.
Actress: Yes, and I take umbrage at the suggestion to “Try the weeping technique”, when trying to gain forgiveness for a feud I started because I wasn’t wearing my Kotex. It makes the entire sisterhood sound like a bunch of manipulative hussies.
Bishop: Oh, 1950’s! Was there anyone you DIDN’T condescend to?!

Comix Remix vol. III

Bishop: I love it when masked comic book ninjas conspire against their partners with the audience. Yes, it happens all the time.
Actress: Indeed. And I wouldn’t like to make Power Man MAD. Geez. He might… break something!
Bishop: He’s quite strong! And he hates low sales numbers. He’s quite the stickler for strong business performance.
Actress: Well, I think they did the right thing by stipulating that 60 cents is cheaper than a doctor’s bill. You’d get far more readers with that clever marketing ruse…
Bishop: These days, buying a car might be cheaper than a doctor’s bill.
Actress: Depends on which country you live in, I guess… ahem.
Bishop: Although, I don’t like the threatening tone. That’s not the best way to win over readers, I have to say. “Hey, punk, do you like trips to the doctor or don’t you?!?”
Bishop: It’s a bit off-putting, but on the other hand, you have to begrudgingly respect that kind of bravado. Even fictional characters were ballsier back in the 70’s.
Actress: I thought he was talking into a nifty wrist phone at first, but no…. He’s just yelling because he likes the sound of his own voice inside that echo chamber of a collar…
Bishop: Yes, Iron Fist has a collar that resembles those lamp shade things they make dogs wear so they don’t bite their stitches.
Actress: Yes! That’s exactly what it reminds me of. His mask looks a bit ill, too..
Bishop: Another sign of the times: open chest tunic, with wicked dragon tattoo on his chest.
Actress: Is that a dragon? It looks like a wilting tulip…
Bishop: Hey, don’t insult his dragon…
Bishop: Said the actress to the bishop!
Actress: Oh, brilliant call, my love… *kisses*
Bishop: Thank you, thank you *kisses*
Bishop: Go ahead and make fun of the name. Power Man and Iron Fist sounds TOO suggestively pornographic… you can’t ignore it.
Actress: Are you saying Power Man and Iron Fist is a sublimated gay comic?
Bishop: No, but that name MUST be mocked publicly. I mean, it’d be a crime not to.
Actress: I think it all sounds rather invasive and painful when I think of it that way….
Bishop: True… and now that you brought it up the wilted flower on his chest where a dragon should be, this comic becomes even more disturbing and awkward. We can just twist ANYTHING around, can’t we?
Actress: Isn’t that why you love me so? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: C’mere, you…

Plastique Fantastique vol. VIII

Actress: I feel like there is some strange symmetry to this, but it’s not pleasant… I feel dizzy… baby, help….
Bishop: Are you OK? Has another horrible album cover made you ill again?
Actress: I feel like I’m in a room of mirrors or some other disconcerting exhibit at the fair… Why are those women leaning like that? Can you make them stop?
Bishop: Yeah, this is nausea inducing.. for several reasons.
Bishop: Are they tilting like that on purpose?
Actress: I’m trying to ignore it, but it is quite seriously making me nauseous. Let’s focus on the men for a moment….
Bishop: Creepy, Awkward, and Icky…. I give them dwarf names for easy reference.
Actress: Brilliant. Shall we name our non-ever-existent children thus?
Bishop: I hope not. Child services will have us for sure.
Actress: Even if we DON’T have children. They’ll be after us…
Bishop: Even hypothetical children are protected.
Bishop: What kingdom are they seeking?
Actress: The Kingdom of Appalling Dress Sense.
Bishop: I think they’ve found that particular kingdom already.
Actress: I say, the title of the album is a crying shame, isn’t it?
Bishop: I’m sure the listeners would prefer if if the title was “We’ll Be Going”… ZING!
Actress: You see, the frock on the left wouldn’t be so bad, if I was wearing it .. *whistles* It has a certain charm. Miss tilty-bad-specs on the right, not so much…
Bishop: You would look great it in. A redundancy since you look great in everything….
Actress: Oh, you flatter me, my love…
Actress: But seriously… these people FAIL the Christian album test, because they are clearly standing in a park, and NOT in the middle of a forest. Hasn’t anyone told them that you must be posed up to your neck in tree trunks for this kind of thing?
Bishop: You took the words right out of my mouth. They’re obviously aping the standard Christian album template. Sure, they’ve chosen a park instead of the sylvan wood, but let’s see what they DID do right… I’ll rattle off the checklist…
Bishop: Boring band name that very obviously displays Christianity? Check. Album title that is bland and inoffensive? Check.
Bishop: Horribly square musicians who look like they’d be laughed at for being too dorky at a polka concert? Check. Trees somewhere in the shot? Check.
Bishop: And most importantly of all: matching clothes! The absolute most essential ingredient is ugly, offensive clothes that are identical.
Actress: Nasty frocks and very, very bad suits? Check. Extra points for matching gear. Also, we have a very nice sample of “high hair” and some exemplary examples in the male contingent of hair combed over within an inch of its life.
Actress: I take it back. They pass.
Bishop: Yes! Exactly! Men with combed hair and women with pinned up hair. That’s how it’s got to be. You’re right my love, exactly right.
Actress: Now, if only they would be gone…