Plastique Fantastique vol. XIX

 

Bishop: This is a brilliant concept. I think they should make an ongoing tv series out of this.
Actress: You could be onto something there. I ayam filled with the POWER!!!
Bishop: He fights against the powers of Satan… using karate!!
Actress: Busting through concrete has to be handy as a preacher, you have to admit.
Bishop: It’s a skill ALL preachers should learn! Although he doesn’t seem to be having a good time of it. Most karate experts make it look so easy. I actually think he broke something.
Actress: His pinky looks a bit wonky….
Bishop: Yeah, he’s not doing too well. Upon first glance, I mistakingly thought he had smashed a stack of Bibles. I guess that doesn’t make much sense, does it?
Actress: Hmm.. no, not a lot of sense. Although in my experience…
Actress: Something tells me he’s not actually Asian.
Bishop: “Crain” isn’t Asian? Next you’ll tell me that “MacGregor” isn’t Kenyan.
Actress: I swear he’s made up to look Asian. I mean, he could be half cast, but…..
Bishop: Yeah, he’s trying his damndest. Talk about playing to stereotype. Jesus, they even have the subtitle set in “Chinese” font style.
Actress: Because God would WANT you to bust through 6 blocks of concrete. I can see that prayer paying off in front of my very eyes.
Bishop: Right. It’s God’s will that you smash concrete blocks. Obviously.
Bishop: I have to say: God’s power doesn’t look so impressive. I mean, you’d think he’d be a little more confident in his block-smashing if he were really charged with the power of God. That pained expression on his face communicates to me that he was rushed to the emergency room as soon as this picture was snapped.
Actress: Not forgetting the wonky finger for a second, I do have to wonder what is on this record? Obvoiusly Mike Crain speaking of God’s power, but by the looks of this cover, I’m not entirely sure he’s someone I’d be taking seriously…. but then again, he does have that Beatlesque haircut….
Bishop: He could be performing on the Ed Sullivan Show with that hairdo.
Bishop: I’m still trying to determine the connection between martial arts and preaching. Does one help the other? We may never know.
Actress: Conflicting philosophies, I would have thought, but you can never know…
Bishop: The truth is that these blocks are fake and pre-broken. I just refuse to allow that this guy is a black belt. It can’t be.
Actress: I want to see Mike in action. Can we visit his church? Pretty please? I just want to see him break the blocks in person. Mike has the charisma of a rock star to me now. I’m attracted to him.
Bishop: If we went to his church and he didn’t break blocks, it would be the most disappointing thing ever. And please don’t make me fight Mike Crain for your love. I will embarrass this guy so thoroughly, it will be shameful.
Actress: After your dessimation of Satan, the Spaghetti Monster and all the rest, I wouldn’t dare. You don’t need violence to have my victory, my love….
Bishop: C’mere, you… *kisses*

Plastique Fantastique vol. XVIII

 

Actress: I can make no sense of this. Supernature of…. what? Bad Halloween masks?
Bishop: I have no idea what I’m looking at, except to say that if they’re trying to give me nightmares, they’re doing a great job.
Actress: Is the guy grabbing Cerrone’s foot sucking on a dummy… er, pacifier?
Bishop: I… don’t… know. I think the guys on the floor are Slipknot. Correct me if I’m mistaken.
Actress: A poor man’s Slipknot, if that is possible. IS his name Cerrone? You know, that rings a bell. I think I’ve heard of that guy. However, it could be recognition via my vast collection of bad album covers. I suspect he is a serial offender…
Bishop: If we’ve seen this guy before, then he owes us TWO apologies… I’m officially pissed at Cerrone.
Actress: I’m still trying to work out exactly what he is doing. He looks like he is trying to stand up off a table with what on it? That thing looks like something straight of my Year 9 science class.
Bishop: What’s it doing there? Why are the guys under the table attacking him? Maybe these are the doctors, and he’s just got really shit health coverage.
Bishop: If you need a checkup and the guys helping you are mental patients with rubber animal face masks, look out.
Actress: They’re doing a pathetic job of it. They don’t look remotely scary to me. Just idiots in stupid masks. Call me a cynic.
Bishop: Just like Slipknot. I think I’m onto something.
Actress: Hah! Indeed. I’m still puzzled by the guy on the left, however…
Bishop: He’s going in for the tackle. It’s a pig-doctor about to knock over a Latino musician… What’s not to understand?
Actress: I suspect Cerrone may be caught. He looks distracted. Disturbingly like he’s about to sit down on the lavatory, in fact…
Bishop: This cover is making my eyes bleed… I need a doctor. But not an evil pig-doctor. No wolf-rabbit-doctors, either.
Actress: Maybe if I dressed up in a sexy nurse’s outfit, I could ease your pain, my love?
Bishop: That would do the trick.

Ad Nauseam vol. XII

 

Bishop: Ahhh! What the hell am I looking at? These just keep getting creepier and creepier…
Actress: You are looking at one of a slew of “dance bands” that were (and possibly still are) very, very popular in Sweden in the 60’s and 70’s…
Bishop: Are you kidding? That sounds about right based on the appearance, but the thought of it being a reality is so, so painful.
Actress: This is no joke, baby. Bjorn from ABBA was quite the popstar in one of these very bands before ABBA hit the world’s stage.
Bishop: I know I’ve joked about the annoyance of bands dressingly uniformly before, but this is beyond the pale (and that’s not a joke about the Swedish lack of skin pigment).
Actress: Electric blue velveteen is a beautiful thing… c’mon….
Bishop: It’s good to see racial diversity in music, isn’t it?
Actress: Hey, one of them has brown hair.
Bishop: I’m not at all kidding when I say I think the four in the front are clones. Seriously. Clones.
Actress: There is a serious family vibe going on there, no doubt. What I want, is to see those flares in full flight.
Bishop: Be careful what you wish for.
Actress: Be careful how you tempt me. I’ll be off to YouTube before you know it…
Bishop: Nooo!! Any guesses as to what “Musikanterna” means? The band’s name? The album title? Possibly?
Actress: I’m under the impression this is a band poster. I have a bunch of them ready to go, you’ll be pleased to know, all in glorious technicolour. So, I’m thinking, band name…
Bishop: Wow.
Actress: Unfortunately the trusty Babel Fish doesn’t cover Swedish…
Bishop: I’m assuming it means “terrible music”. Or possibly “the muskrats”
Actress: Or, maybe “lapels are GO!”
Bishop: Go and enormous… True fact: if you stitched together the material used to make lapels alone in the 1970’s, it would cover the Pacific Ocean 1,356 times.
Actress: Wow, that’s handy to know. You’re so smart. I love you, baby.
Bishop: I love you, darling. Now let’s never speak of Musikanterna again.
Actress: I’ll agree, but only if you agree to wear a pair of blue velveteen flares for me. Please. I insist.
Bishop: The things I do for you!

Plastique Fantastique vol. XVII

Bishop: Obviously, “pussy” refers to a domesticated feline. I don’t get why you told me this photo would be racy. What’s wrong with that?
Actress: I agree completely. I love my pussies. Yes, I have more than one…. Aren’t I lucky?
Bishop: I heard that most women have only a single pussy.
Actress: Not me, baby. I have multiple pussies.
Bishop: Apparently, her cat is on loan from her father? Did he rent it to her?
Actress: Well, I hope he’s giving her a family discount, if that be the case. At least she’s giving him credit.
Bishop: Yes, the ownership of the pussy is not in question.
Actress: One would hope that Daddy is not in the room.
Bishop: I hope not.
Bishop: Look at the names on the side of the album cover. Those titles are more sophomoric and offensive than the album title proper (if that’s even possible)
Actress: Yes, I was going to get to those… A few of my favourites: “Sadie’s Still Got The Rag On”, “He Forgot His Rubbers”, “Things Are Soft For Grandma Since Grandpa’s Eighty-Four”, and of course, “Tony’s Got Hot Nuts”…
Bishop: Tony needs to see a doctor. Nut-related inflammation is no laughing matter.
Actress: You’re quite right. I’d want that seen to. I’m guessing and hoping that Tony isn’t Daddy or Grandpa…
Actress: So, how’s about them tits then, eh?
Bishop: I… um… the..tits… what? I was distracted. I was thinking about balancing my checkbook.
Bishop: Trust me, I don’t even notice tits that aren’t yours. Was this woman topless? I didn’t notice.
Actress: Good answer, baby. Nice pussy though….

Plastique Fantastique XVI

 

Actress: Geez, neighbours can be bastards, can’t they? “I told you I would keel you if you played any more of that Gordon Lightfoot music!!”
Bishop: It makes me wonder what neighborhood this is in… or country… or alternate dimension….
Actress: You mean you didn’t wield a machete at your neighbour today? I’m surprised.
Bishop: Are these two hunting one another? Is this like that Stephen King dealie where man is hunted like prey?
Actress: Either that, or they’re on a co-op, chopping bamboo to make way for the new yoga centre.
Bishop: That could very well be the case.
Actress: Although the mutually aggressive stance indicates otherwise…
Bishop: For the record, I never fight my neighbor with a machete… only a pair of rusty hedge-trimmers.
Actress: Oh, that’s alright then baby. I love you for your pacifism.
Bishop: Of course. Guess which one is the mayor…. I’m stumped.
Actress: And what the hell is on this record? A machete duel? Or a political debate?
Bishop: I wish mayoral debates were this exciting outside of Mexico.
Bishop: They’re DAMNED serious about municipal waterways and make no mistake!
Actress: Notice how the Mexican’s machete is rusty as hell, and the white guy’s looks like brand new, like he just moved into the neighbourhood and thought he ought to be suitably armed for the area. Home Depot to the rescue. I’ll bet his guitar is shitty though, if it is his guitar.
Bishop: I’m guessing neither play. It almost looks like the guitar got thrown in there as an after thought.
Actress: It has to be the white guy’s guitar. The other guy already has a hat.
Bishop: They almost forgot this was an album cover. Hell, I’M forgetting it’s an album cover.
Actress: Er, yeah… me too.
Bishop: As for what’s ON the record… I’m guessing it’s the aural version of human insanity.
Actress: Right up my alley. Let’s listen.
Bishop: I’ll crank up the turntable.

Plastique Fantastique XV

Actress: Is that John Belushi?
Bishop: *gasp!* Belushi!
Bishop: Snap.
Actress: I don’t think Belushi ever wore white pants.
Bishop: No, this is clearly some sort of tropical Belushi.
Actress: This is like Belushi on holiday in Imperial Singapore.
Bishop: I think he faked his own death and hid out in the Hawaiin Islands after changing his name to Jose Angel.
Actress: His shoes are pretty sharp, apart from the socks… and the baby poo brown coloured shoes.
Bishop: Yeah, and he really wants you to know how sharp they are, he’s displaying them quite prominently.
Actress: He’s got a pretty flash digital watch, too. He must have been making a mint. I think this “career” is a cover for his decadent drug lord lifestyle.
Bishop: Ha ha! Yes, he’s clearly a cocaine-lord on par with Pablo Escabar. The clothes fit, after all.
Actress: I am taken with what is written at the bottom of the cover, “Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual”. Translated: “Mother I am Christiano Homosexual”. Maybe it wasn’t drugs he was enjoying…
Bishop: Hey, I didn’t need a translator to tell that “homosexual” is Spanish for “homosexual”
Bishop: Points for me! I’m so smart, aren’t I?
Actress: Oh, you are, baby. That’s why I love you. I think this album is his coming out letter to his mother…
Bishop: I think you’re right… and that’s deeply concerting for some reason.
Bishop: I believe he’s acknowledging that he’s a gay Christian. Hey, more power to him, but is this album really the best way to tell your mom?
Actress: It’s a little public, I’d have thought… but who am I to judge?
Bishop: I think a face-to-face would feel more honest than a collection of spicy latin dance grooves?
Actress: I want to see one of his music videos.
Bishop: It might be like a chubbier version of Gloria Estefan
Actress: Or maybe, this guy……..

Plastique Fantastique vol. XIV

Actress: Such a good looking bunch of fellows are Black Sabbath, that we need DUAL images of their lustrous locks. I’m excited already.
Bishop: Hey, mirrors don’t work like that. I should be thankful. If this mirror reflected accurately, we’d have to see their asses.
Actress: Wow, you’re right. Instead we get two images of those lovely red….. longjohns?
Bishop: I was just about to ask about those. What are they? Are those panythose? Fess up, Bill.
Actress: Looks like someone didn’t wake him up in time for the photoshoot. At least they brushed his hair nice…
Bishop: They all look a bit inconvenienced. I get the feeling they don’t want to be there. Especially Tony. Tony is tired. He must sit.
Actress: Poor Tony. He looks like he’d rather be in an Ashram. All except Ozzy. He’s platform and crucifix ready, he is. Is that Ozzy?
Bishop: Yes, it’s Ozzy… it has to be… if it were Dio, he’d be three feet shorter.
Actress: Well, they are platforms.
Bishop: Tony’s meditation session was clearly interrupted.
Actress: Much like Bill’s sleep. Could he possibly look MORE like he just rolled out of bed? And not even with a beautiful woman, or he wouldn’t be wearing those pants.
Bishop: Ha ha. Take that, Bill. He’s sleepy and he’s also creeping us out with those pants.
Bishop: I like to imagine the giant mirror has snuck up behind them and they’re completely unaware. They seem to have no idea that a magical mirror has been placed behind them.
Actress: Indeed. Those white pants on the left are making me think of Christopher Cross for some reason. I think it’s something to do with sailing. And Ozzy is creeping me out with his kaftan.
Actress: In fact, if you removed the moustache, it could be a photo from a JC Penney’s catalogue from the 70’s… womenswear.
Bishop: Hey! Good point. Wow, disturbing. What if all the metal kids heard you bashing one of their most iconic bands? These guys invented heavy power chord-driven rock! They wrote songs about Satan! Recognize!
Actress: And robots.
Actress: They were ahead of their time, they were. Sort of… What’s your favourite Black Sabbath song?
Bishop: How could I pick just one? The bassline for “NIB” is so tasty, I might have to go with it
Actress: Oh, bugger off you… Boys always get rawk geeky about Sabbath and Led Zeppelin.
Bishop: Did you know that any time you play the main bass part for “NIB” someone within earshot will go “Oh yeah!” over the last two notes? It’s true! It’s like Pavlov’s dog. No one can resist.
Actress: I’ll take your word for it. I may even fall for that one myself. That said, I can probably only name a handful of Black Sabbath songs, and the one I like best out of those, is Iron Man. Well worn, but it sounded good in the car when I was waving at cows in paddocks the other day…
Bishop: “Iron Man” is outstanding cow-waving music. And what a crazy solo.
Actress: Oh, yes. The cows loved it. They might have even waved back, if I was wearing that kaftan…

Plastique Fantastique vol. XIII

 

Bishop: One of Roger’s facets isn’t a last name, sadly…
Actress: Or dress sense, so it seems…
Bishop: Or subtlety. Between the ham-fisted histrionics, and the outfit that has nearly blinded me, I’m already deducting Roger some major points.
Actress: I’m deducting points for his name, also. I mean, it’s one thing to have Roger as your given name, that’s all well and good… but it’s not very showbiz, is it? Think Roger Whittaker…
Bishop: Exactly. With that fashion sense, we can presume his music is deeply fonkay (yes, spelled “fonkay”). Therefore, why not go with Dr. Thumpalicious or Captain Interstellar-LoveMotherShip? That would be MUCH more appropriate than “Roger”
Actress: Indeed. But then again, he is a moody guy. Who can know what really goes on in the mind of Roger?
Bishop: Maybe he has multiple personality disorder. I wonder which one is the REAL Roger?
Actress: That’s exactly what I’m getting at. I’m guessing it’s the bottom, middle shot. I think that photo is the key to his very soul. Roger is but a sad clown. Just hazarding a guess, but correct me if you think I’m wrong…
Bishop: No, that’s what I imagine, as well. Roger has a deep soul and you can tell by that contemplative picture. “I think that I shall never see a poem funky as a tree…”
Actress: Hah! I think the other clue is the photo at bottom left. He’s trying to point the world toward his pain…
Bishop: Yes, as if to say “The real me is right over here. Have a look, won’t you?”
Bishop: Either that or he’s encouraging someone to pull his finger, in which case, I’m way off…
Actress: Well, there’s always that, too, but I think we’ve found the key to Roger’s soul. I applaud us for our perceptiveness and sensitivity to Roger’s plight. If we could just work out exactly what that plight is…
Bishop: He’s feeling sorrow because his clothes are SO shiny they blind unsuspecting passers-by, turning him into a social pariah. Much like Quasimodo, no one can look upon Roger. I mean that literally. They CAN’T look at him. He’s reflecting the sun’s rays.
Actress: Somebody needs to tell him. Do you think we can find his address? I feel a social duty to save him from his sequinned segregation…
Bishop: We might have a hard time tracking him down. Only knowing his first name isn’t helping. I imagine Googling “Roger” returns thousands of hits.
Bishop: A small problem I have with the album’s title: The use of the word “many” is a bit much. I count six. That’s “a few” at best.
Actress: Well, it could be “Several Facets of Roger”, at best…
Bishop: Maybe he doesn’t want to give ALL his facets away right off the bat.
Bishop: At the end of the day, it’s good Rog has a sense of humor. Look at that last picture (the one in the bottom, right-hand side). “Don’t go there, girlfriend!” See, it’s not all gloom and introspection!
Actress: Several facets, indeed. I don’t think any number of expressions will ever convey the complexity that is ROGER….

Plastique Fantastique vol. XII

 

Actress: Oh, hello boys!
Bishop: Ahhh! I don’t want to hit this jackpot!
Actress: I dunno, all that satin is doing things to me…
Bishop: What’s the group’s name? Jackpot again? Or is that the album’s title?
Actress: Maybe it’s like Led Zeppelin II, III, IV etc…. it’s Jackpot… Again!
Bishop: Jackpot… The Return!
Actress: Have you noticed how only the guy in the green is really getting into the glam spirit? I think he’s the group stylist. “Those stars look FABULOUS on you, Merv! Oh, Barry, I really think you need some kind of floral motif… in 3D!”
Bishop: Ha ha. The other guys seem like straight guys who got dragged into Mr. Green’s “World of Gay”. They seem a bit out of place.
Actress: Yes, indeed. Ol’ Bruce on the end with the medallion looks like he’s having a good time, but that could just be that he’s struggling for breath because his pants are too tight.
Bishop: The tightness of the pants is simply unacceptable. This picture causes me physical pain to look upon. Do you know how bad these clothes must HURT? I mean, testicles aren’t supposed to be treated that way.
Actress: Oh, sweetheart, you’re talking to a woman here. Talk to me again when you’ve walked a day in high heels, or worn an ill-fitting bra…. Although, I am concerned for their sperm count.
Bishop: I can’t stop laughing because I just noticed that the background is a candle store. They’re shopping for scented candles. Talk about furthering a stereotype.
Actress: Hey, nothing wrong with scented candles, darling. Although I was wondering where the hell they were… I thought it was some kind of gift shop. What gives with that?
Bishop: Why would you stage the photo shoot for an album cover there? It’s a really poor choice, but I get the feeling Jackpot made many career blunders.
Actress: … and most of them crimes against fashion, I daresay… but then again, I haven’t heard the record.
Bishop: OK, take your best guess… what’s the music sound like?
Actress: Well, I’m getting a pretty strong Bay City Rollers/Gary Glitter vibe from the outfits… I’d be surprised if they’re not singing in English either. I’m guessing, Swedish?
Bishop: Ha ha. Why does so much strangeness in the world originate in Sweden?
Actress: Those crazy Scandinavians strike again. It’s something to do with the weather, I’m sure. That, and their strangely insular culture…
Bishop: Yeah, this has Sweden stink all over it. But I mean that in the nicest possible way…
Bishop: And I’m sensing a strong disco vibe, for the record.
Actress: Sweden or Finland. God bless the Scandinavians. Where would our blog be without them?

Plastique Fantastique vol. XI

Bishop: Oh. my. god. I have NEVER EVER in my life seen anyone who was more ill-equipped to rock out than this guy.
Actress: I think his mother has been asking “where’s wally?” for some time, judging by his effusive greeting.
Bishop: If “effusive” means “bat shit crazy” I would have to agree.
Actress: Oh, he’s just happy.. Will you begruge Wally some happiness? Look, how could you when his tongue is hanging sideways from his mouth like that?
Bishop: Yeah, we’ll let him have a good time. I have to say, though, I can’t imagine this guy being terribly creative if that’s the best album title he can come up with.
Actress: Hah! I’d like to hear his version of “1913 Massacre”. Then again, “Don’t Send My Mother to Prison” could be a corker, and the answer to all our questions…
Bishop: Yes, there’s some skeletons in this guy’s closet, I think.
Bishop: Why isn’t he pictured playing the guitar, as is the norm for musicians? He looks like he’s dropping it and leaving it.
Actress: Wally by name, wally by nature…
Bishop: I think he wants to give his mom a big high-five. The high-five is not dead for Wally Whyton.
Actress: Well, wouldn’t you if your mother was going to prison? Err… hang on… that’s not what I meant…
Bishop: Wha’?
Actress: Nevermind. I’ll bet he does a wicked cover of “Greenback Dollar”. I dig that song.
Bishop: I wouldn’t trust him to cover “Hot Cross Buns”. Look at how awkwardly he’s holding that guitar.
Bishop: I’m beginning to think Wally isn’t really a musician at all! This is all too awkward and wrong. Just look at him! He’s more like some guy who wandered into someone else’s photo shoot.
Actress: It’s folk, baby. Folk musicians are a special breed all of their own. Skivvies and corduroy and all.
Bishop: I should have known… explains the 12-string.
Actress: Indeed. Will you wear a skivvy for me? Fawn coloured pants would be a bonus…
Bishop: Absolutely! Who could have guessed this of all album covers would have inspired romantic requests?
Actress: You’re so adventurous. I love you. *kisses*

Plastique Fantastique vol. X

 

Actress: Holy crap, is that a real child? In the pink, I mean…
Bishop: I have no idea… Do I see one lifeless doll, two, or three?
Actress: I’m counting three. This is like something out of a creepy doll horror movie.
Bishop: OK, Whichever of you are flesh and blood humans, raise your hand!
Actress: Anyone?
Bishop: *crickets chirping*
Actress: …………………
Actress: Ok, so we have to assume that Little Marcy is Chucky’s sister in the green… Is she a ventriloquist doll? I ask only because that woman doesn’t appear to have her hand anywhere near her arse…
Bishop: Ahh! This cover keeps getting creepier… The doll sings on its own!
Actress: And I don’t like the look on the woman’s face. I’m waiting for her eyes to glow red. Actually, I’m waiting for ALL their eyes to glow red…
Bishop: Yeah, bare minimum
Bishop: Who dresses their kids like that? Is that Laura Ingalls?
Actress: Oh, my… I think it’s Nelly! It would explain the sadistic vibe…
Actress: I think the other child has been kidnapped and forced to participate in blondie’s “little dolly” fantasies. She looks like she’s in pain.
Bishop: God, they all appear in pain… emotional pain.
Bishop: It makes me long for a nice monster movie poster. One where people are being attacked by vicious space aliens. At least then, the horrors are overt
Actress: This IS a monster movie poster.
Bishop: You’re right! This is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel if I’ve ever seen it.
Actress: I’m frightened to go to sleep now. Will you stay up with me, baby?
Bishop: Yes. I may never sleep again.
Actress: As long as we never, never sleep together… *wink, wink*

Plastique Fantastique vol. IX

Actress: Oh, you can’t be serious. Where do we start with this??
Bishop: This appears to be Bryant Gumble and Tommy Chong in speedos and neckties
Actress: Hah! And rather fetching speedos, I must say… You might have some competition there, honey…
Bishop: D’oh! I will fight them both at once if need be! For your love!
Actress: I’m a sucker for the nautical look.
Bishop: They don’t look very at home at water, I have to say
Actress: WHY are they wearing ties? Is this stage attire? Or did they just need to strip off really quickly because they needed to duck into the water for a pee?
Bishop: Ha ha! You might be onto something. To be honest, they remind me of homeless guys who are pretending to go work because they’re somewhat schizophrenic. They put on the ties because they have a big meeting today (in their minds).
Actress: Yes, that kind of explains the “vision” of an “angel” in a pyramid….
Bishop: Hey, there you go! Although I have to wonder why they’re not looking at said angel. It seems as if they’re deliberately ignoring her.
Actress: She doesn’t look happy about it, either…
Actress: She’s getting her frock wet.
Bishop: She looks as lost and sad as they are… get these poor people to dry land, someone! They’re clearly miserable
Actress: What impresses me most about this record, is that it’s AUTOGRAPHED. That is awesome (and I don’t use that word often, or lightly…).
Bishop: Yes. Duduca & Dalvan have FANS. Think about that for a second.
Bishop: It boggles the mind
Actress: Oh. My. God. It comes with a calendar!
Bishop: Holy shit! TWELVE pictures like this!
Actress: a poster calendar, no less..
Bishop: I’m afraid… I’m scared now.
Actress: I want it. Take me back to 1986!!
Bishop: Time to hit up eBay.
Actress: I’m still transfixed by those nautical themed speedos. They are stunning…and so well fitting.
Bishop: Ugh… no. This album cover is so horrible I’ve denounced God. There can be no Superlative Power in a world where Duduca & Dalvan strut about nude….
Bishop: for what God could allow THIS?
Actress: Are you saying their little angel is not of God?
Bishop: If she’s come to unleash these two on the world, then, no… she’s something far more sinister.
Actress: I think you’re right. Either that, or she just wants some ice cream.
Bishop: I’m disconcerted by the image of an angel on this cover. Are there religious themes? I don’t like the vision of serenity juxtaposed against these creepy, hairy guys and their tightly-bundled sausage links.
Actress: She doesn’t look very serene to me…
Actress: Someone’s a little grumpypants…
Bishop: Upon closer inspection, she does seem a bit disgruntled.
Bishop: Again, it probably has to do with being in the cold water in that outfit. She can’t be comfortable.
Actress: Exactly. I want to hear what’s on this record, as always…
Bishop: It’s in Spanish. Which is good, because I’m almost afraid of what the lyrics sound like.
Actress: I’ve run the title through a translator, and apparently it means “Massa Falida”, which explains everything, don’t you think?
Bishop: Yeah, makes sense to me
Bishop: This cover has been rated HW (Horrible & Wrong)… Listener discretion is advised.
Actress: You have been warned….

Plastique Fantastique vol. VIII

Actress: I feel like there is some strange symmetry to this, but it’s not pleasant… I feel dizzy… baby, help….
Bishop: Are you OK? Has another horrible album cover made you ill again?
Actress: I feel like I’m in a room of mirrors or some other disconcerting exhibit at the fair… Why are those women leaning like that? Can you make them stop?
Bishop: Yeah, this is nausea inducing.. for several reasons.
Bishop: Are they tilting like that on purpose?
Actress: I’m trying to ignore it, but it is quite seriously making me nauseous. Let’s focus on the men for a moment….
Bishop: Creepy, Awkward, and Icky…. I give them dwarf names for easy reference.
Actress: Brilliant. Shall we name our non-ever-existent children thus?
Bishop: I hope not. Child services will have us for sure.
Actress: Even if we DON’T have children. They’ll be after us…
Bishop: Even hypothetical children are protected.
Bishop: What kingdom are they seeking?
Actress: The Kingdom of Appalling Dress Sense.
Bishop: I think they’ve found that particular kingdom already.
Actress: I say, the title of the album is a crying shame, isn’t it?
Bishop: I’m sure the listeners would prefer if if the title was “We’ll Be Going”… ZING!
Actress: You see, the frock on the left wouldn’t be so bad, if I was wearing it .. *whistles* It has a certain charm. Miss tilty-bad-specs on the right, not so much…
Bishop: You would look great it in. A redundancy since you look great in everything….
Actress: Oh, you flatter me, my love…
Actress: But seriously… these people FAIL the Christian album test, because they are clearly standing in a park, and NOT in the middle of a forest. Hasn’t anyone told them that you must be posed up to your neck in tree trunks for this kind of thing?
Bishop: You took the words right out of my mouth. They’re obviously aping the standard Christian album template. Sure, they’ve chosen a park instead of the sylvan wood, but let’s see what they DID do right… I’ll rattle off the checklist…
Bishop: Boring band name that very obviously displays Christianity? Check. Album title that is bland and inoffensive? Check.
Bishop: Horribly square musicians who look like they’d be laughed at for being too dorky at a polka concert? Check. Trees somewhere in the shot? Check.
Bishop: And most importantly of all: matching clothes! The absolute most essential ingredient is ugly, offensive clothes that are identical.
Actress: Nasty frocks and very, very bad suits? Check. Extra points for matching gear. Also, we have a very nice sample of “high hair” and some exemplary examples in the male contingent of hair combed over within an inch of its life.
Actress: I take it back. They pass.
Bishop: Yes! Exactly! Men with combed hair and women with pinned up hair. That’s how it’s got to be. You’re right my love, exactly right.
Actress: Now, if only they would be gone…

Plastique Fantastique vol. VII

Bishop: Is that… Nellie Olesen?
Actress: Oh, my…..
Bishop: On the left! It’s her!
Actress: She has that smug, self satisfied expression… Nice hairclips, girls. Kudos to you.
Bishop: Those hairclips are pretty obvious, aren’t they?
Bishop: Why are they dressed alike? Their parents put them up to this. No way in hell this was their idea.
Actress: I’m wondering how long those dresses are. If they were short, they’d be cute, but if they are, as I suspect, floor length, we have a dressmaker in the family…
Bishop: I agree… I’m suspecting floor length dresses. Super conservative.
Actress: Oh, but they have confidence.
Bishop: Yes, but only one of them has confidence. Otherwise the title would have been “We’ve Got Confidence”
Actress: Oh! You are so right. And we can see which one it is…
Bishop: Which one is it?
Actress: It’s Miss Nelly…
Bishop: Of course!
Actress: Then again, her sister looks like she could be the town bike, given half a chance… I think she has a secret life.
Bishop: Yeah… there’s something about her.
Actress: Miss Nelly has a cheekier look about her, but it’s a look that could easily swing towards the spinster from hell… I picture her as the crazy 60 year old unmarried woman with 15 cats.
Actress: Far out, the elder sister’s hair looks disturbingly like mine in the morning. I need a haircut. Or maybe I can borrow her hairclips…
Bishop: I’ll recommend no hairclips. How about you leave it like it is and just jump in bed with me?
Actress: Well, that’s another option. Far more tempting. Let me call my hairdresser to cancel first…
Actress: I like how they’ve tried to be really hip with the lettering (of course it wasn’t called “font” in those days, ahem). It matches their outfits and everything…
Bishop: Ha!
Actress: Now, somebody said it… “I’ve Got Confidence”. WHO said it? I think Mommy Dearest said it, that’s who… NOW REPEAT AFTER ME…
Bishop: The Stepford Babies have to learn their lines somehow.
Actress: Seriously, WHO dresses like their sibling at that age? It’s one thing for toddler twins…
Bishop: Again, I can sense from here they have a demented mother. I just KNOW it.
Actress: I also am so very intrigued, yet again, as to how so many of the covers of these Christian albums have people standing awkwardly in forests?
Bishop: That is, apparently, THE hot spot for communing with Jesus.
Actress: Yes, and I’ll bet they sound like a poor man’s version of the Moir Sisters…. and that’s saying something…
Bishop: Maybe it’s like a wi-fi internet connection… you’re more in-tune with Jesus if you go to certain hot spots, most of which involve standing in front a very placid and calm lake or forest.
Actress: Hah! Baby… You’ve cracked the nut, yet again…
Bishop: The Moir Sisters? More like the Lesse Sisters! ZING!
Bishop: Why are they leaning on a piece of wood? Was this taken at a lumber yard?
Actress: It’s padded. At least they’re well looked after, bless.
Bishop: We wouldn’t want the little musicians to get splinters
Actress: No, not when we’re listening in stereo….

Plastique Fantastique vol. VI

Actress: You know, if there was anything way I was going to transport myself around the cosmos, it wouldn’t be loping…or lopin’ for that matter.
Bishop: Ha! I just thought that. You’d probably be rocketing, or possibly flying…never lopin’. Also, “moseying” is right out…
Actress: Well, loping implies something to lope on, in my thinking, and there ain’t much to lope on in space…
Bishop: Yeah, you’d be floating before you were lopin’.
Bishop: Ginni looks like she’s about to catch a long hit to deep center field.
Actress: Yeah, she’s about to take a speckie in the goal square. Go Ginni!
Bishop: Oddly dressed for the occassion.
Actress: She looks disturbingly Sanyassin.
Bishop: Oops.. you lost me.
Actress: Orange People…er, a bunch of hippies in a cult in the 80’s who were very into Kundalini meditation and worshipping a corrupt “Bagwhan”. Bhagwhan Shree Rajneesh was his name. What a dodgy bastard…
Bishop: Cultists often are.  Yeah, she could fit right in that lot.
Actress: Indeed.  Ginni, however, is of the stars…
Bishop: I enjoy the tonal discrepancy between the title and subtitle. You would expect a more urgent verb than “lopin’ along” if the focus is on the immensity of human potential.
Actress: Well, yes…
Actress: Will you lope with me? Through the cosmos…?
Bishop: I would love to lope along through the cosmos with you.
Actress: Oh, lovely…
Actress: I think Ginni was hoping to be zapped up when the intergalactic bypass was being built. Shame it didn’t happen.
Actress: I wonder if she found her potential?
Bishop: Ha ha! She’s still waiting…
Bishop: She looks quite desperate and confused, given the vehemence of the subtitle. Does she know what the hell’s going on?
Actress: It does look like a desperate call… Or maybe she’s having an orgasm?
Bishop: Wow! That’s what I call achieving your potential!
Actress: RIGHT ON!!
Actress: Ahhhhhh………….

(It was at this point, dear reader, that our esteemed Actress disappeared into a vortex of cosmic orgasmic fancy. If you spy her, please notify the relevant authorities – and her mother. She can be recognised by her rosy cheeks and rather pleased with himself companion who goes by the codename: Bishop. Thank you for your attention.)