Plastique Fantastique vol. XIX

 

Bishop: This is a brilliant concept. I think they should make an ongoing tv series out of this.
Actress: You could be onto something there. I ayam filled with the POWER!!!
Bishop: He fights against the powers of Satan… using karate!!
Actress: Busting through concrete has to be handy as a preacher, you have to admit.
Bishop: It’s a skill ALL preachers should learn! Although he doesn’t seem to be having a good time of it. Most karate experts make it look so easy. I actually think he broke something.
Actress: His pinky looks a bit wonky….
Bishop: Yeah, he’s not doing too well. Upon first glance, I mistakingly thought he had smashed a stack of Bibles. I guess that doesn’t make much sense, does it?
Actress: Hmm.. no, not a lot of sense. Although in my experience…
Actress: Something tells me he’s not actually Asian.
Bishop: “Crain” isn’t Asian? Next you’ll tell me that “MacGregor” isn’t Kenyan.
Actress: I swear he’s made up to look Asian. I mean, he could be half cast, but…..
Bishop: Yeah, he’s trying his damndest. Talk about playing to stereotype. Jesus, they even have the subtitle set in “Chinese” font style.
Actress: Because God would WANT you to bust through 6 blocks of concrete. I can see that prayer paying off in front of my very eyes.
Bishop: Right. It’s God’s will that you smash concrete blocks. Obviously.
Bishop: I have to say: God’s power doesn’t look so impressive. I mean, you’d think he’d be a little more confident in his block-smashing if he were really charged with the power of God. That pained expression on his face communicates to me that he was rushed to the emergency room as soon as this picture was snapped.
Actress: Not forgetting the wonky finger for a second, I do have to wonder what is on this record? Obvoiusly Mike Crain speaking of God’s power, but by the looks of this cover, I’m not entirely sure he’s someone I’d be taking seriously…. but then again, he does have that Beatlesque haircut….
Bishop: He could be performing on the Ed Sullivan Show with that hairdo.
Bishop: I’m still trying to determine the connection between martial arts and preaching. Does one help the other? We may never know.
Actress: Conflicting philosophies, I would have thought, but you can never know…
Bishop: The truth is that these blocks are fake and pre-broken. I just refuse to allow that this guy is a black belt. It can’t be.
Actress: I want to see Mike in action. Can we visit his church? Pretty please? I just want to see him break the blocks in person. Mike has the charisma of a rock star to me now. I’m attracted to him.
Bishop: If we went to his church and he didn’t break blocks, it would be the most disappointing thing ever. And please don’t make me fight Mike Crain for your love. I will embarrass this guy so thoroughly, it will be shameful.
Actress: After your dessimation of Satan, the Spaghetti Monster and all the rest, I wouldn’t dare. You don’t need violence to have my victory, my love….
Bishop: C’mere, you… *kisses*

Plastique Fantastique vol. XVII

Bishop: Obviously, “pussy” refers to a domesticated feline. I don’t get why you told me this photo would be racy. What’s wrong with that?
Actress: I agree completely. I love my pussies. Yes, I have more than one…. Aren’t I lucky?
Bishop: I heard that most women have only a single pussy.
Actress: Not me, baby. I have multiple pussies.
Bishop: Apparently, her cat is on loan from her father? Did he rent it to her?
Actress: Well, I hope he’s giving her a family discount, if that be the case. At least she’s giving him credit.
Bishop: Yes, the ownership of the pussy is not in question.
Actress: One would hope that Daddy is not in the room.
Bishop: I hope not.
Bishop: Look at the names on the side of the album cover. Those titles are more sophomoric and offensive than the album title proper (if that’s even possible)
Actress: Yes, I was going to get to those… A few of my favourites: “Sadie’s Still Got The Rag On”, “He Forgot His Rubbers”, “Things Are Soft For Grandma Since Grandpa’s Eighty-Four”, and of course, “Tony’s Got Hot Nuts”…
Bishop: Tony needs to see a doctor. Nut-related inflammation is no laughing matter.
Actress: You’re quite right. I’d want that seen to. I’m guessing and hoping that Tony isn’t Daddy or Grandpa…
Actress: So, how’s about them tits then, eh?
Bishop: I… um… the..tits… what? I was distracted. I was thinking about balancing my checkbook.
Bishop: Trust me, I don’t even notice tits that aren’t yours. Was this woman topless? I didn’t notice.
Actress: Good answer, baby. Nice pussy though….

Enfant Terribles vol.V

 

Actress: I was a deprived child. Why didn’t I have an ugly plastic wig? WHYYY??!!! I need to talk to my therapist about this…
Bishop: Any kid would love those wigs. They look so LIFELIKE.
Actress: Eric Bana used to wear one of those wigs when he was a sketch comedian impersonating Australian media personality/journalist Ray Martin. It looked disturbingly like the one in the middle, except black. Eric Bana must have a small head.
Bishop: It claims to fit all head sizes, but I’m not so sure about that. We’ll get Philip Seymour Hoffman (the man with the world’s largest head) in there to test that claim.
Actress: Good idea. Stay tuned folks…
Bishop: I’m glad they’re soft. Not only do they look EXACTLY like real hair, but they have the same texture. Wow, what a simulation.
Actress: I wish I had one now. Perfect for those bad hair days…
Actress: I’m particularly taken with the blonde wig on the right. I know if I was to choose a blonde wig, that would be the hairstyle I would be after…
Bishop: Definitely. It’s like a little hair plateau that sits on your head. How stylish.
Actress: You could serve food off that wig. Send little Sally with the blonde wig around at parties with hors d’oeuvres.
Bishop: Ha ha. Yes, I think that’s what it was designed for.
Bishop: The important thing is that it’s SAFE. Because if your kid was somehow injured with her own plastic wig, it would be five times as sad as if they were merely injured.
Actress: Yes, because if you were standing under say, a falling tree branch, or piano for instance, you would be well protected.
Bishop: Exactly! If your kids don’t want to wear a helmet during playtime, trick them into wearing a helmet by painting hair on it.
Actress: I’m feeling crafty and inspired. I think I’m going to dig out my cycle helmet and delicately paint fetching “redhead” strokes on it with my acrylics. Yes. Yes I am.
Bishop: And everyone will just think your hair looks a bit different.
Actress: As I said, perfect for those bad hair days…

Plastique Fantastique XVI

 

Actress: Geez, neighbours can be bastards, can’t they? “I told you I would keel you if you played any more of that Gordon Lightfoot music!!”
Bishop: It makes me wonder what neighborhood this is in… or country… or alternate dimension….
Actress: You mean you didn’t wield a machete at your neighbour today? I’m surprised.
Bishop: Are these two hunting one another? Is this like that Stephen King dealie where man is hunted like prey?
Actress: Either that, or they’re on a co-op, chopping bamboo to make way for the new yoga centre.
Bishop: That could very well be the case.
Actress: Although the mutually aggressive stance indicates otherwise…
Bishop: For the record, I never fight my neighbor with a machete… only a pair of rusty hedge-trimmers.
Actress: Oh, that’s alright then baby. I love you for your pacifism.
Bishop: Of course. Guess which one is the mayor…. I’m stumped.
Actress: And what the hell is on this record? A machete duel? Or a political debate?
Bishop: I wish mayoral debates were this exciting outside of Mexico.
Bishop: They’re DAMNED serious about municipal waterways and make no mistake!
Actress: Notice how the Mexican’s machete is rusty as hell, and the white guy’s looks like brand new, like he just moved into the neighbourhood and thought he ought to be suitably armed for the area. Home Depot to the rescue. I’ll bet his guitar is shitty though, if it is his guitar.
Bishop: I’m guessing neither play. It almost looks like the guitar got thrown in there as an after thought.
Actress: It has to be the white guy’s guitar. The other guy already has a hat.
Bishop: They almost forgot this was an album cover. Hell, I’M forgetting it’s an album cover.
Actress: Er, yeah… me too.
Bishop: As for what’s ON the record… I’m guessing it’s the aural version of human insanity.
Actress: Right up my alley. Let’s listen.
Bishop: I’ll crank up the turntable.

Comix Remix vol. VI

 

Bishop: The boomerangs aren’t scary until you factor in the little electrical trails that wrap around you like barbed wire. It’s almost as painful as Captain Boomerang’s taste in clothes.
Actress: I’m not sure if I’m more concerned by his girly flared jacket, or his Burger King headwear. It’s making me hungry…
Bishop: It creates the illusion that he’s working behind the counter, serving someone their Whopper with fries.
Actress: And if you dare to ask for no pickle, he’ll stun you with his wicked boomerang throwing skillz.
Bishop: Boomerangs aren’t so bad. Popular fiction is full of ninjas with traditional Japanese weapons and pirates with their cutlasses… I say let the Aussies represent.
Actress: If only he did represent Aussies. A milliion Aborigines are spinning in their graves, trying to match the mad skillz (can I use any other spelling?) of CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.
Bishop: Nah, it’s not a mockery, it’s a celebration. Three cheers for boomerangs.
Bishop: I’m amused by the Flash’s footwear. If you’re the fastest man alive, do cleats matter?
Actress: Not in the face of the astounding wrist flick of Captain Boomerang. I’m still transfixed by the trajectory of his throw. I’ve never thrown a boomerang (successfully), but being of Aussie descent, I can safely say, there is no person, living or dead, who could make a boomerang rotate around a person two times, let alone EIGHT. Call me pedantic…
Bishop: He’s THAT amazing
Actress: It must be the hat. And tights. And all that…. blue.
Bishop: Serves the Flash right for underestimating him. Flash can’t believe he’s getting his ass handed to him by Captain Boomerang. You can just see the “WTF!” expression on his face.
Actress: Well, what would he expect when his movie was so crap? They really need to fix that…
Bishop: Definitely.
Bishop: I enjoy the emphasis on “must”. They’re very adamant about that.
Actress: I really think I must read ROAD TO OBLIVION now. I have no idea what it is, but the italics got me…
Bishop: Had it not been italicized, I might have skipped it.
Actress: And incur the wrath of Captain Boomerang? You’re game…
Bishop: *gulp* Not that game. I know better now.
Actress: Beware the blue boomerang…

Ad Nauseam vol. XI

 

Bishop: Wow… am I seeing things or do these people live with a horse in the kitchen?
Actress: No, you’re not wrong. I thought stable doors indoors were a relic from the 19th century.
Bishop: “Clean up after yourself! Were you raised in a barn?!?”
Actress: That horse could take off at any moment and gallop through the house, spilling organic vegetables and marking that lovely green paint with his poo and hoof marks at any moment. My mother would have a fit.
Bishop: Speaking of poo… how do they put up with the smell? It’s in their kitchen ferchrissake.
Actress: One must wonder a lot of things about this arrangement…
Bishop: You know what makes me sad? That guy’s paying more attention to the horse than his wife. That’s not right and I don’t care how rural you are.
Actress: You have to take into account that the lady of the house, either has a nasty foot disease, or lives in an imaginary world where she walks around on tippy toe…
Bishop: Yeah, that doesn’t look comfortable.
Actress: I think he and the horse have a “special” relationship. They look close.
Bishop: Eek. I must wash my mind clean of those thoughts.
Actress: Who keeps bales of hay inside their house? I mean, it is a house… not a barn… clearly. Why else would it be featured as a fashionable 1974 interior?
Bishop: I don’t know… I mean how can Europeans look down their snoots at Americans when they’re living like this? For shame. NOW who’re the hillbillies?
Actress: Well, I don’t know about hillbillies…. Her hair is way too shiny.
Bishop: I feel sorry for anyone living in this house. It reminds me of the Great Depression, for some reason. Just horrible.
Actress: Yeah, I can see that. But what I see more, is a couple of barefoot, champagne bo-ho’s with an oppressive green ceiling.
Bishop: That ceiling is the greenest green that ever greened. You have to give them credit for that, at least
Actress: It was the 70’s after all… Ah, I remember that green well. I’m sure at least a couple of our readers can even name the shade…
Bishop: Well, it’s downright purdy, at any rate.
Actress: Yes… and well swept. The amount of hay debris that must be tramped through that kitchen…

Comix Remix vol. V

Bishop: Must… resist urge… to make… tasteless terrorism joke…
Actress: It’s really bloody hard, isn’t it? Oh, go on…
Bishop: Doesn’t being outside the plane make it harder to hijack? AGH! I couldn’t resist! Forgive me, please…
Actress: HAH! Oh, shit… Where do we go from here? This is fraught…
Bishop: I wish I could even guess what’s going on in this picture. Is Hassan some sort of superhero? Is he an enemy being attacked by the plane? Is he HELPING save the plane?
Actress: No, he is the enemy! The carpet is his secret weapon! I think somebody had better call homeland security quick smart….
Bishop: All I know is that if you’re going to have history’s most stereotypically Middle Eastern character, and you’re going to name him Hassan, you had damn well better not give him a flying carpet! Racism was alive and well among comic book writers in the mid-20th century.
Actress: Yes! Oh, god… This is just too much. And the title is telling, too. Calling the comic “Unknown Worlds” is tantamount to calling it “People From Mars”. You not American! You alien!
Bishop: For shame.
Actress: I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to duck out of the way just before they hit a building…
Actress: Is that wrong? Oh, it is…. Oh.. I’m going to hell now…
Bishop: You are very very bad.
Bishop: What’s sad is that the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Admin. entire gets their intel from 1950’s comic books! It’s true! This very issue prompted the national drive to strip search anyone wearing a turban in an airport.
Actress: I think you may be right. Although carpets can be tricky to hide in a crevice. Believe me, I know. Wait… what?
Bishop: Ouch! The FAA’s fear of carpets all stems from “Hassan’s Heirloom!” Comic book related propaganda runs deep.
Actress: Who knew?

Far-Out Flicks vol. VII

 

Bishop: Oh no, they invited WEIRD atomic beasts who live off human blood? I was hoping this party would have all the normal atomic beasts who life off human blood.
Actress: You’d be a bit disappointed if it was your party, no? “Sheryl, I thought we specified! Now our party will be full of WEIRD atomic beasts! I was hoping to see George, the normal atomic beast. He’s cute”.
Bishop: Natch. I wonder if human blood is healthy enough to really live off?
Bishop: Doesn’t seem like a very balanced diet to me
Actress: Full of protein. Dr Atkins would approve.
Bishop: Mmmm…
Actress: What bothers me is that there is a whole party full of reveling teenagers there, completely oblivious to the fact that one of their friends is being ravaged by a weird atomic beast. That band must be shit hot….
Bishop: Yeah, or else the lot of them are near-sighted. Maybe they think that’s NORMAL?
Actress: I’m also waiting for that weird atomic beast to burst into song….
Bishop: He better! It’s a musical.
Bishop: And it’s about time they got around to a horror monster musical.
Actress: I agree. Hey, maybe he’s not attacking her at all…. I think she’s being serenaded.
Bishop: Hey, I hadn’t even thought of that. His mouth is open as he belts out his songs of romance. And they’re dancing. Isn’t that sweet?
Actress: It’s always lovely to see different cultures combine. It’s like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony. I feel a bit choked up now. Pass me a tissue will you baby?
Bishop: Here you go *passes tissue* This was groundbreaking. See, it’s the FIRST of its kind.
Actress: All I can say is that she’s a lucky girl. I think I have a bit of a crush on Mr Weird Atomic Beast now. The fins hair, the teeth… and I’ll bet he has a voice of gold. My attention is diverted, baby. You have some work to do…
Bishop: Damn you, Weird Atomic Beast! I’ll kick your weird atomic ass! This is FAR from over!
Actress: Sing to me, o’ Beastie…
Bishop: His name is O’Beastie? He doesn’t LOOK Irish…
Actress: It’s an attraction you’ll never understand. Although maybe if you found a nice reptilian costume I could be persuaded….
Bishop: OK, but I draw the line at drinking blood.
Actress: As long as you drop me from a great height, I’ll be happy baby…
Bishop: Deal? Question mark?
Actress: *flutters eyelashes*

Ad Nauseam vol. X

Actress: Mad Mixers? Mad Hatter more like it. What the hell do you call that?
Bishop: Yeah, either Lipstick Girl has turned into a human lamp or that’s a really crappy hat.
Actress: Oddly enough, I have a sneaking suspicion it would win a prize at the Spring Racing Carnival.
Bishop: I like to imagine that she’s an 11 foot tall giantess and has her head stuck in a chandelier.
Actress: And a rather fetching lampshade it is. I’ve been looking for a lampshade just like it for ages… Bitch! Stole my bloody lampshade….
Bishop: But you weren’t planning on using it as headwear, though? Right?
Actress: Right, indeed. Nor was I planning on wearing Christmas baubles for earrings. I think she had an accident decorating the tree in the living room…
Bishop: Ha ha. You can’t see it, but she also has a giant star sitting on her head. It’s under the lampshade. The entire tree exploded.
Actress: That explains her facial expression…
Bishop: Women of a bygone era must have had sturdier earlobes. Look at how she can wear those shot-puts from her ears without any apparent pain…
Actress: On closer inspection, they look like clip-on earrings. My god. Speaking as a woman, there is nothing quite as painful as those clip-on’s that screw into your ear. I’m impressed. She’s one tough lady.
Bishop: Her ears are tough, anyway.
Bishop: I like the label this ad carries… It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Mixer (not world)
Actress: It must have been quite the turn of phrase in the day. If only Cover Girl still made ads like these. Not that you even notice the colour of her lips…
Bishop: The ad copy suggests insanity… in fact, so does the entire ad.
Actress: I like “they’re madly beautiful”. If only someone would tell me I’m madly beautiful.. (hint, hint)
Bishop: Aw, baby… you are madly, madly beautiful. And I’m madly, madly in love with you.
Actress: *sigh* You just made my day, baby. As you are so wont to do… Do you think it would help if I wore some Mad, Mad Mixers though? Or perhaps a lampshade on my head? We can all do with a bit of enhancement.
Bishop: You’re perfect as you are. Lampshades or not.

Enfant Terribles vol. IV

 

Actress: I said ADD bacon, you useless gimp! Geez. Service nowadays…
Bishop: That’s why you have to check the food before you pull away. Unless you’re not driving, of course
Actress: Which she clearly isn’t… but you are absolutely right. Nobody can complain if they don’t check first. Window staff can never be trusted.
Bishop: Let’s talk about the kid sitting in the grass hut with Dr. Zaius and Cornelius. He looks hungry.
Actress: I think he can smell the sweet aroma of a whopper with cheese ADD BACON coming from next door…
Bishop: Do you think their parents believe in favoritism? “OK, you two get to eat cheeseburgers. Billy, you get to hang out in a crude treehouse with gorillas.”
Actress: I love how it quite unintentionally illustrates the juxtaposition between the “first” (read: consumer) world, and the third world.
Bishop: Ha ha. Good point. You’re clever to catch the symbolism.
Bishop: On the left: Americans. On the right: Africans.
Actress: I don’t think it was intentional on JC Penney’s part.
Bishop: Jimmy: “Should we share with Billy?” Susie: “Nah, redistribution of wealth constitutes socialism. Billy needs to stand on his own two feet.” Cut to: Billy’s dead body.
Actress: Hah! Oops, somehow I don’t think I ought to be laughing at that… Billy does look pretty bloody desperate though, no? “Just a pickle? C’mon… please?”
Bishop: You can tell he’s been told to STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE… but every fiber of his being wants Burger King.
Actress: He doesn’t even get to wear a hat.
Bishop: That hat is nifty.
Actress: I think Susie likes it… But then again, her taste in clothes is somewhat dubious.
Bishop: Yeah, Susie looks like she’s been dressed by her mother. Oh, wait! She has been!
Bishop: I hope the franchise owner took out plenty of insurance. You see, the walls are made of cardboard and will blow over in a stiff wind. The bricks are only painted on. Crooked contractors, I’ll assume.
Actress: They are corrugated fibreboard. AND they fold away for easy storage. What more could you need? I’m kicking myself for buying that $300 tent now…
Bishop: It looks cozy.
Actress: If only we had page 277 of the catalogue. We could furnish the joint.
Bishop: He he. Yeah, I’m sure it’s bigger on the inside.
Actress: Said the actress to the bishop… Oops, that didn’t quite work. *wink*
Bishop: Nice try, though!
Actress: Thank you, thank you baby. I would still keep my tent, given the option, with you in it. Wanna go camping?
Bishop: Absolutely. Just leave out the camp.

Far-Out Flicks vol. VI

 

Bishop: The tagline focuses on the seven savage punks, but I’m wondering about the giantress off to the side… do you see her? If you squint, you can just barely make her out.
Actress: *squints* Oh, yeah.
Bishop: Incredible. Neither the title nor the tagline acknowledges her. Hello?? She’s a GIANT!! Not to mention the focal point of the poster.
Actress: Hello? We have SEVEN SAVAGE PUNKS on a BINGE!
Actress: I think she’s about to thump them all dead like cockroaches under her giant fists.
Bishop: She could crush them if she felt like it. Oh, she’ll show them a binge of violence, alright.
Bishop: Did you know that “seven savage punks” was in the original draft of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”? It’s true.
Actress: Wow, really? There you go again… educamacating me like you do. I love you, baby *kisses*
Bishop: I love you, darling. *kisses*
Bishop: With a tagline like that, this better be a rip-snorting fight movie. Why do I get the feeling it fails to live up to the promise?
Actress: Possibly because of the potential for fist thumping, but really I think this is some kind of spin-off, telling the background story of the first young woman to escape from Land of the Giants. And she is cool, you know… mainly because she’s that freaking tall that the air drops degrees every time she stands up.
Bishop: Amazing. I imagine it’s hard to shop, being her.
Actress: And I thought I had problems. How is it that all those men are frozen in almost exactly the same pose?
Bishop: Good question… It’s baffling…
Actress: They don’t look crazy to me, they look like automatons, programmed to beat people up in sync.
Bishop: Choreographed fighting! Nooo! Nightmares of West Side Story…
Actress: Don’t start me singing… You’ll be sorry you mentioned that
Bishop: Question: If you were that tall and your hoo-ha were hovering over the head of seven savage punks, would you wear a skirt? Probably not the best choice, I imagine.
Actress: Uh, nice call. No. No, I wouldn’t wear a skirt. I’d be wearing very demure slacks. No culottes, you understand, or stretch jeans for fear of giant camel toe… demure slacks. Yes.
Bishop: Ha ha… Camel toe. Comedy goldmine. Good one, honey.
Actress: GIANT camel toe, no less. It can’t be good. Unless….
Bishop: Well, not for you
Actress: What do you mean, not for me? What’s wrong with my camel toe?!
Bishop: Nothing. Just seems a bit revealing with all those savage punks around. I mean, savage punks are not gentlemen.. hence the “savage punks” tag.
Actress: I wouldn’t want to block their light….
Bishop: You know who’s NOT shy? Giant-lady. It just occurred to me that she’s almost definitely mooning people.
Actress: Maybe that’s her M.O. All she has to do is swivel and I’m sure those savage punks would stop fighting immediately.
Bishop: Despite their weekend binge of violence.
Actress: A weekend binge of violence. I’d rather have a weekend binge of sex. Or alcohol. Or food. Call me old fashioned.
Bishop: Hey, how about all three? I’ll just be old fashioned right with you.
Actress: Sounds better than good to me, baby. Let’s get fashioned in an old timey way.

Enfant Terribles vol. III

 

Actress: Should we be calling someone about this? Child Protective Services, perhaps?
Bishop: This is genuinely frightening. Should children be bound to the bed?
Actress: Well, you never know… They might come and axe murder you in the night. You can never be too careful.
Bishop: It’s best to keep them in place in that situation, I suppose. However, I can’t help but wonder how many innocent kids are put in a fire hazard because of this. It’s a sombering statistic.
Actress: Maybe the kid IS a fire hazard. Did you think of that? Huh? Huh?
Bishop: Good point.
Bishop: They’re really adamant about statistics, aren’t they? They just beat you over the head with those numbers. Holy crap…
Actress: I believe those are knitting instructions, o’ manly non-knitter of mine….
Bishop: Oh! I thought this was an overly pedantic ad… wow, is my face red. But now I know they’re instructions… for how to make your own baby-trap. Very nice.
Actress: Of course you’re forgiven for thinking so, my love. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d never laid eyes on anything resembling a knitting pattern. They even do my head in.
Bishop: I guess whoever is making this baby-trap has to be really dedicated. It’s not just a way of binding a child to a crib, it’s a work of art. How sweet.
Actress: I just wonder how comfortable it can be for that poor child to spend the night in a starfish pose. I don’t think they’ve thought this through…
Bishop: Yeah. God help you if you want to turn over.
Actress: Or… move. In any way.
Bishop: “Tie ’em in and keep ’em warm… and if they want to lie on their side, too bad!”
Actress: Hey, she still has use of her legs. It’s not all bad…
Bishop: This is depressing. I feel scarred.
Actress: So do I. I feel like I need regressive therapy after this, and it wasn’t even me.
Actress: Shall we move on?
Bishop: Yes, let’s.

Comix Remix vol. IV

 

Bishop: Dr. Bobbs! I’m sure this comic is action packed and full of excitement, but why is the center shot him on the phone? That’s the least exciting picture to showcase his amazing adventures.
Actress: Paging Dr. Bobbs… Paging Dr Bobbs…. Life saver, lab genius, drug addict. Brilliant. Not to mention that right hook…
Bishop: It just looks like such explosive excitement. Kids should be warned in advance that Dr. Bobbs does’t represent most doctors. I mean, a big part of the job is filling out paperwork.
Actress: What? You mean you don’t become a doctor to raid your own medicine cabinet?
Bishop: Speaking of drug abuse, should we be concerned he’s a heroin addict?
Actress: Well, according to this comic book cover, it’s all part of a day’s work.
Bishop: Yes… shooting up is just part of doctorhood.
Actress: How else would he deal with the stress of bandaging elbows? I ask you…
Bishop: Almost as disturbing is the fact that he’s hitting a guy. Since when do doctors ever need to punch people?
Actress: And since when do heroin addicts become violent, unless their stash has run out? Not likely in his case…
Bishop: I don’t know. I get the feeling they’re related.
Bishop: Tell me something… was there a time when doctors affixed compact discs to their own foreheads using black electrical tape?
Actress: I was wondering the same thing…
Bishop: I’m not sure he knows it’s there. Someone should tell him.
Actress: Maybe we should write a letter.
Bishop: OR maybe whoever is on the other end of the phone is letting him know. The look on his face is dawning realization… “So THAT’S where my ‘Best of Pat Boone’ CD’s been!”
Actress: Hah. That’s what you get for taking too many drugs. Silly Dr. Bobbs.
Bishop: Haha. Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re out of your mind on smack.
Actress: You can see he’s mixing up his own stash in the bottom right corner. He’s in deep. I hope I don’t get Dr. Bobbs next time I visit Emergency.
Bishop: When was it that cars looked and sounded like that? I’m not a car buff, but I don’t recall a particular model that made noises like a monkey.
Actress: I believe that’s an ambulance, rushing Dr. Bobbs to where the elbows need bandaging. He’s very good at that, you know.
Bishop: That’s his area of expertise. He’s an Elbow Bandagologist.
Actress: *checks own elbows* Nope, I’m good. No Dr. Bobbs for me. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Especially as he seems to have just administered an overdose to one of his patients.
Bishop: I just now remembered where I’ve seen Dr. Bobbs! This is Thomas Dolby! The bottom middle picture, where he’s punching that guy, is from the “Blinded Me with Science” video!
Actress: Oh, good god… you’re right. Maybe that’s why he needs the injections, since he was blinded and all… He’s having trouble with that microscope.
Bishop: Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Dr. Bobbs
Actress: Trust him. Bloody Dr. Bobbs…

Far-Out Flicks vol. V

 

Bishop: What a creative title for a movie… hmm.. we want teenagers to see our horror movie… we need something combining teenagers and zombies… so…
Actress: TEENAGE ZOMBIES! Brilliant. I’m confused about the pulsating cages, though.
Bishop: Yeah, how does a cage pulsate? This just sounds like crazy beat poetry, man. Imagine some Ginsberg wannabe reading this at a coffee shop, clad entirely in black while a guy playing bongos thumps away.
Bishop: Young… pawns… thrust… into… pulsating… cages of… horror in… a sadistic… experiment. *snaps fingers* Can you dig it?
Actress: I’m picturing Mike Myers reading it, a la SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER. Yeah, I can dig it….. baby.
Bishop: She stole my heart and my cat
Actress: Stop that now, or I’ll start quoting his father. “Head! Pants! Nooo!”
Bishop: I’m still trying to make sense of this and it isn’t working because the picture, the illustration, the title, and the dopey ad copy are putting four different pictures in my head. Has there ever been a more incongruous movie poster? I submit that there has not.
Actress: And what the hell is King Kong doing there?
Bishop: That’s what I mean… I’m just lost. Is HE a teenage zombie? Is he killing her and SHE’S a teenage zombie? None of it makes sense.
Actress: And since when did being bitten by a gorilla cause zombification?
Bishop: Maybe that’s some sort of unspoken Halloween rule that I’m unaware of. One of the lesser-known Halloween rules. If you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf, if you get bitten by a vampire, you become a vampire, and if you get bitten by a large gorilla, you become a teenage zombie. Do you see how that works?
Actress: Yes *shakes head*, of course. I’m also puzzled as to what that strange thing is in the middle right of the poster…
Bishop: It seems to be a crematorial urn. Yes, it’s the urn that makes the cage pulsate. Do you see?
Actress: It looks like a turkey.
Bishop: Oh! Yeah, I do see that now… hm.. I’m lost
Actress: A robot turkey.
Bishop: Ha ha ha! Well, what the hell? Just when you think the poster couldn’t get any more strange, we’ve positively identified a robot turkey.
Actress: No wonder that chicky in the photo is cowering. I would totally cower in the presence of a robot turkey.
Bishop: Would you pulsate in horror?
Actress: Only if I was being thrust into….
Bishop: By a young pawn?
Actress: I’d rather it be you, baby.
Bishop: G’night, folks. We have some pulsating and thrusting to do.
Actress: *waves*

Ad Nauseam vol. IX

Bishop: What the hell? They made a horse?
Actress: I think this blog has suddenly become unsuitable for children….
Bishop: Whatever’s going on here, it’s unsettling and wrong.
Actress: Yes, and I think it scares me more that it comes from a sewing pattern.
Bishop: Eeek. I don’t want to ask.
Bishop: An alternate theory: maybe the caption belongs to the horse.
Actress: Oh. My. God. I may puke. I think they may be clones. Are they the same woman? Look at them. It’s weird.
Bishop: Maybe he made a couple of blonde 70’s stereotypes… Could he be a mad genius horse who’s cloning women? Who knows?
Actress: Is this from an Amish fashion catalogue?
Bishop: Yes, it is from an Amish fashion catalogue. The Amish do in fact have their own fashion culture.
Actress: I say, that bonnet is rather fetchingly tied at the side. Very subversive..
Bishop: Hey, if there’s a subversive way to tie a bonnet, that must be it.
Actress: All the Amish ladies are doing it (said the actress to the bishop)…
Bishop: Ah! I fall more in love with you with every double entendre.
Actress: Would you still love me in a bonnet and pinafore with cherries on the bib? *flutters eyelashes*
Bishop: Of course. Wear it to bed. Be my Amish Aphrodite.
Actress: What about the frock underneath? That neckline is so sexy…
Bishop: The whole outfit is great. It gets my approval.
Actress: Not to mention the puffy sleeves. The safari pantsuit, isn’t nearly as comely….
Bishop: Yeah, it looks a bit stiff. No guesses as to what they made? And who made what?
Actress: Whoever made it, couldn’t help themselves, and that in itself screams a dire need for some deep psychotherapy.
Bishop: Yeah, talk about needy. It’s a compulsive desire for attention.
Actress: Although it may be a little more comfortable for riding (ahem) the horse…
Bishop: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Actress: Oh, you don’t really mean that… *smiles*
Bishop: Ah, who am I kidding? Go ahead and keep your mind in the gutter. I wouldn’t have it any other way *grins*.
Actress: Aw, just my mind? *winks*